I was everything at once – the diligent student, the “cool” friend you could turn to about unfairness, the classmate who looked good, the one who played basketball, ran, exercised, and followed daily diets – and also the one who knew the “important” and even “cooler” people at school. A dream teenagehood – always invited, always welcome, and in general, the golden child… if you looked only at the grade book (before the psychosis hit).
Now I understand that it was perfectionism.
I wanted everything, here and now – without even knowing who I truly was inside or what I personally wanted on a spiritual level, beyond the need to be the best and please everyone.
I’m convinced that marijuana, a terrible experience with amphetamines, stress at home… and my total burnout from trying to be perfect in every area – all of that broke me.
And realizing that once psychosis hit, all those friends, all that attention and popularity vanished – that realization cost me more than one episode of depression.
I can relate to perfectionism, I think many people who have a yearning to be valued and loved go through episodes of perfectionism. To this day, a decade and more after leaving compulsory education I still have episodes of perfectionism which ruin my experiences - I hope it gets better for you
Perfectionism wasn’t a thing for me in school other than in my chef training. Certainly not in grade school. Everyone was lucky if I showed up. It was a bonus if my socks matched. I was a high achiever in the earlier grades, but it wasn’t something I had to work at.
As a photographer, yes, I strive for a high degree of technical perfection. The closer I hit the mark with an exposure the more I can push an image in post processing. That’s where my interest lies these days.
You still are perfect. You haven’t really lost who you are. I know how I was like as a child and who I am now. I hope you find peace like I am searching for.
I had everything before psychosis hit too. Good friends, a boy friend who was lovely, a job managing a juice bar, money. And i sabotagued myself to the point of psychosis. Now days I just want to have some fun again!
I did well up to the age of 10. After that my academic performance went on a downward trajectory. In my case I think moderately severe executive functioning impairment had an increasingly harmful impact on how I did. The widening gap between what was in my head and getting that into a written form. I was not a swot. In fact I was quite lazy. If I didn’t like a subject/have a natural ability at it, I made little effort to do better at it.
It’s was known at public school I had difficulties. Numerous 3 weekly assessments, and end of term reports, mentioning how disorganised and messy I was. But back then,early 1960s to mid 1970s, there was no help and support for that. My psych records mention my difficulties with organising and planning, again sod all help and support for it. A strong reason for not pursuing further education,aside from the bullying related trauma, has been the fear of failure due to not getting the help and support I needed.
