So I went to my doctor’s office last week, she increased my medication and it worked for like the first two days, but now I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and it’s causing me to feel depressed. I feel like I go to work on my stories and there’s so much work to be done that I can’t get any of it done. My initial instinct is to ignore everything and do mindless stuff until my body calms itself down before going into complete overload and having a panic attack.
The thing is I don’t have to do the things I’m worried about doing. It’s my writing, it’s not like I have a deadline for anything. So why am I pushing myself so hard to pump out the words? Is it because of the self-help writing books of mine? Is it preparing myself for the off-chance that I get a publisher and they want a deadline story in the future and so I start stories now and then will have them when asked? I’m moving too far into the future though. I don’t have a publisher. I don’t even have a finished book yet. But I’m stressing, and stressing bad.
But if I stop writing, I feel lazy. Writing has given me a purpose. If I don’t write what do I have? Is it procrastination when the writing is meant as a way of release? But if the release doesn’t come from writing and writing becomes the cause of my anxiety doesn’t it make more since to step away and do other things? It’s not like I’m getting paid to write right now, as of now it’s a hobby. A hobby I really want to pursue because I want to be a published author someday…and the sooner the better. I want my hobby to become my full time job, and get paid to do what I love doing. But right now I’m not loving it. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just stop writing, but how do I cut it back so I’m not so overwhelmed by it?
I once took a poetry writing class. What my instructor told us was to pick an hour in the day to write. There is something called the muse that comes to us writers and artists. It is like an opening of the creative river, so that it flows out into the work. She said to pick an hour each day and write then. Keep writing at the same time, so you train the muse to come out consistently.
Ira Glass once said that the first several years of your creative work won’t be very good (it doesn’t have to be), but you still have great taste. The point is to keep doing what you are doing and not be too critical of yourself, because it will get better. You may have some bumps in the road, but you eventually will hit your stride.
You’ve chosen a difficult road. The price of creativity is high. Keep in mind that you are pursuing a lofty goal, but temper that with the realization that you need to take care of yourself. Writing is a draining, demanding profession. I’ve heard that F. Scott Fitzgerald got 128 rejection slips before he finally got published. Chances are you’ll get a fair number of those. Like an Olympic athelete that trains avidly for his sport, writing will force you to call on all your resources. Maybe you could find some kind of writing workshop to help you improve. (Chances are they’ll help you improve by tearing your work apart.) I don’t know what kind of financial resources you have. Be prudent, and keep an eye on your money. Use your resources carefully. Try not to let yourself become cut off.
No worries…one thing at a time. All you have to do now is finish your book. No deadline-no worries. You can worry all you want later when the other things come up. Just focus on what you have to do now.
Thank you all for the replies, I know this stress is self inflicted. I need to take a step back and figure out how to convince myself this just for fun right now. I think the hardest thing with accepting that is the negativity of the voices telling me I’m just lazy and don’t want to work…I don’t know if I can get myself all worked up over no real deadline, then what would it be like if I had a deadline to meet and had real stress to deal with? How do I get the voices to stop being so negative about me sitting at home? I don’t wan to take even more medication, I think I’m on enough at the moment, its the highest dosage I’ve been on since I’ve been out of the hospital when I was 15…
I did take the 50MG tablet I’m supposed to take in the middle of the afternoon/morning and I think it’s kicking in which is helping me relax some now. I just…I don’t know, I’m just tired of it all I guess.
Maybe you are just not motivated at the moment. It would be awful to have a deadline. You wouldn`t do your best work. What if you just set your own deadline-if you need motivation…go at your own pace…