I said “it doesn’t do anything!” But that’s the whole point. It doesn’t do anything, it doesn’t make you fly, give you special powers, etc… Antipsychotics don’t do anything. But that’s the point. They’re supposed to make you normal not into superman or Jesus. In fact the quite opposite. So I guess they do do something to someone who is ill… But at the time I had some other inner demons I was facing. I was trying to accomplish something with my mind. And psychosis seemed to bring the answers. Sometimes I thinki wanted to have six or seven psychotic episodes because now not even the meds can make me COMPLETELY sane! I’m stuck in this insanity! I didn’t want to heal right away because I wanted to become more crazier. To make me different. I was compelled to insanity. I was born Ill but wanted MORE. It would have seemed too mundane for me to have one psychotic episode then commit to a life of full recovery. But that’s just me! But I sure do need my anti psychs now!
I would not go off meds without a doctor of medicine telling you to…that is dangerous…even I dont do that…at worst I will change meds, not stop taking any, and then call as soon as the office is back open.
I have had a few psychotic episodes, and they got worse the more i had. The last one i had almost exactly a year a go and it was terrible, it really scared me straight after i came out of it and realized how truly whacked out i was. I was dangerous. Since that one i have been stuck in this fairly consistent on and off episode of psychosis. Ill be good for a day, bad for two, good for two, bad for a week. Sometimes i think it would be better to just go thru a severe break again and get it all done in one shot and not have this continual struggle but probably not the best option. I dont mind being a little whacky or eccentric maybe but i feel like things really changed for the worse after each major episode. I definitely dont want to go thru 7 or 8 major breaks, the 3 or 4 i went thru were frightening enough. I never got the euphoria or elation that some talk of tho, mine were based in fear and paranoia. I still cant quite shake the delusions from last years breakdown and this psychosis is tormenting. Now i have frequent blackouts, not allowed to work or really do anything at all until the doc says im stable. Its just frustrating and i would have much rather got by with 1 psychotic break, things seemed easier after that one compared to now. Now its a real struggle. But everyone has different perceptions. Just stay on the meds homie.
If I could highlight one word in my op it’d be “demons”. I had demons which compelled me to self harm. Fortunately the lights are on, more so than before I reached “true psychosis” and I’m pretty happy these days. I just know I have delusions that are really tough to shake…but almost wanted it that way.
Psychosis can be incredibly exciting. My therapist accused me for going off APs because I was too bored and upset with my regular life without the distraction of my psychotic symptoms and I can’t say she was fully wrong.
My voices are the only ones who understand me. I feel deeply lonely and isolated without them.