She thinks since I claim I was psychotic circa age 15 and never did drugs or alcohol till age 18. But I gravitated towards it so hard. I told her things like “I felt I was catching up to my peers” and “It made me think for the first time, before that I didn’t have any conscious thought process”…
Now I’m not advocating substance abuse/use here but she claims that I took substances because i was “Trying to belong in a certain body of thinking”…Like when I was schizo without the substances I was very alone in the world because schizophrenia is a very unique way of thinking in my opinion. Anyone with schizophrenia feels alone with their thoughts. You can come here and realize youre not alone, years later, but when youre 16 years old and youre possibly the only schizophrenic at your high school you feel very alone.
Then I did substances and I was not alone anymore…because I knew many other people who smoked weed for example. So I was joining the body of thought, those who smoke excess amounts of weed, think alike in some ways.
Well I think she is a little biased because shes never done drugs in her life and she claims “drugs don’t ‘expand your mind’ in any way”…she also said “If you like ecstasy, you can get the same feeling through sobriety,just look at me!!!” Yeah right, that’s BS. No one would do ecstasy if you could feel that good when youre sober. She is WRONG. I mean say what you want about the negatives of drugs, but “feeling good” is something that drugs tend to do…that’s kinda the point??? So I think shes pushing an agenda with her comments. But I thought it was an interesting perspective that i was looking to “fit in, to a certain body of thought” when i smoked weed and stuff.
I mean, i didn’t consciously say that, but at the end of the day I might have FELT that way… Why do people use substances? Is it to fit in or self-medicate, both, more reasons??? I say all of the above but I never thought about fitting in as the reason I did drugs. maybe its obvious to some that that’s why people pick up drugs in the first place. But I wasn’t so conscious as to WHY, when i was 18, 19, 20 years old. I just did it and I couldn’t stop. I also feel theres a biological need for some people to escape reality based on their nature/nurture. I think I am stuck in this void.
For the record I haven’t bought weed since like December 15th I think. I have smoked it at friends house, but not as often since I stopped buying it ever since I decided to re-route all my funds towards cryptocurrency. Its given me a reason to not smoke weed! Or at least not buy it. You really gotta have some type of motivation to even CUT DOWN. And now that I do, cut down I have. Progress not perfection folks!!! I am doing great lately with my thinking.
Okay rant over…too much coffee for me. Thanks for reading my new book…