I start to have a better relationship with my suffering, its even a bit of the human condition from what i know…
I fight now for real, but i still get my moments, where am ultra scared and not able to function, just sitting here with even physical suffering…
Dont pity me, i’ll keep hoping and try to give way better to the world than before… While still taking account of my needs and desires, you know its important, at one point i was just giving, without being able to receive…
Whatever.
Just share if you too sometimes can only endure some symptoms and nothing else, until it gets a bit better and only then, you keep moving with your life?..
Big hugs to all of you dears!!!
Yes, i had my 20 years of sedentary and isolation, this kills the mind, but am focused now to fix this a bit more…
Yes, I have moments of extreme frustration and anger. Life isn’t fair. I grew up believing it was fair, that’s my mistake.
My biggest enemy right now is social anxiety.
Today, my cousin and her uncle visited us. My parents welcomed them in the backyard (it’s actually a nice garden) and I was inside the house, feeling scared. But I told myself: it’s silly, I can do this, it’s no big deal. So I showed up and greeted them, poured myself a glass of water and had a short conversation. Everything went well. After 20 minutes I excused myself, saying I had to go back to work in my room, and I left.
This is called gradual exposure therapy. It means I must put myself in uncomfortable situations, little by little, until it becomes routine and the anxiety lessens.
Of course I will never be an extrovert or a social butterfly, but I can improve my functioning and my self-confidence.
You can do it, too. Try to forget the past. Focus on today.
Oh, i expose now too yeap, i understand you…
The thing is, that my mother wants me totally healthy already, her school is the harsh one tbh, way too harsh, she even hates my fears and gets angry around them, it makes me feel even smaller than that…
Me too i spent the last 20 years believing, that its all my mistake, i even have as a symptom the guilty conscience…
Yes, we can get better… Even Bukowski couldnt stand long socializations, dont worry…
We should just find some more meaning and feel a bit better, even if its in some kind of solitude still…
I dont even seek for a man right now, am too often in pain and then, everything irritates me…
I also probably dont believe, that am enough as i am. My childhood was more than abusive, but whatever…
Am very glad that you saw a bit your relatives Andrey, keep going yeap…
I just say, that my support is awful, tbh i did some things when i was in hell, only because asked from the others, while they dont have a clue that paranoia and the rest is hell and tbh, my mom doesnt care even…
She once even told me, that if i cant go against my fear, maybe i should stop living…
Anyways, its so hard yes…
I guess i am the light in a toxic family haha…
Lots of health and joys to you, blessings on us i guess… 
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