Schizophrenia.com

Ok so here's what I heard last night

Too long, didn’t read:
Step mom blames everyone for her problems and won’t take accountability for herself. So I am happy.

Dad on phone: He goes to CNS during the day. He does to those groups, which are during the day.

Step-Mom through speaker on Dad’s phone: How do you expect our marriage to get any better?

I never got along her, mainly because she thinks she can control everybody’s lives. I’m writing about it in my journal today thinking she just said that because she just sees me as a threat to her marriage with my father. Which is true but that’s not why she said that. Anyways, I’m getting to the point where I try to figure out the sequence of events that lead up to the quote above so I ask my Dad what was leading up to this. He says she wanted my Dad to go to groups with me because her Sister, L, goes to groups with L’s daughter. And my Dad responds with how L doesn’t do anything all day so she can do that stuff and my Dad works during the time CNS is open. Which brings us to where the Step-Thing says, “how do you expect our marriage to get better?” Now once thinking through this, it doesn’t really bother me at all, because it gives me power over her. It seems she has it in her mind that her sister and her daughter have the same situation as me and my Dad. Which is definitely not the case. L and her daughter have a toxic relationship because L drank and still drinks all day since as long as I’ve known her. So she has abusive qualities towards others… My Dad quit drinking shortly after I was born. My Dad and I have always gotten along. So when Step-Thing says things like that, it just shows me she is weak, blaming everybody but herself for her problems. We have power that she gives to us because she is too weak to handle it herself. And this has been my struggle with her all along. We cause her hardship and she blames gets upset that we are not satisfying her because she is too weak to take power for herself. I see she is unsatisfied and that is pretty messed up, yet I am completely satisfied with her torturing herself.

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I hear ya loud and clear @Apathy. I have similar experiences. My dad cheated on my dying mom with someone. That “someone” would become my new step-mother 6 months after my mom died. She was bipolar and abusive. She broke my hand when I was 13, and I spent the greater portion of my time knowing her butting heads. I detested her (still do) with every fibre of my being. My dad finally grew a backbone and divorced her 4 years after their wedding. All I wanted was for my dad to pay attention to the only child he had - the one who lost his mother when he was 11.

Your dad sounds like he at least has his act together, especially compared to mine, so that’s a huge plus. I don’t know if I can offer much in the way of advice because you and I have two totally different circumstances (you’re an adult - I wasn’t). Hopefully she’ll find her way out of your life. Stay close to your dad, and maybe things will even out. I think of my step-mother more than I want to, but c’est la vie when dealing with a crappy childhood.

Hang in there. I’m on your side.

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I’m guessing there is a lot of history and unspoken details here, that lead you to your conclusions, because honestly it seems like you are assuming a lot of things and some parts don’t make much sense to me. But again, I am guessing there is just a lot left out from years of history that your subconscious mind is also drawing on.

Anyway dealing with step-parents can be tough, they come into things late and don’t really understand a lot of the dynamics and history of the family, but then they also often seem to have the urge to fix things and solve all the problems - problems they might not even really understand in the first place. My step-father is like this, he has no idea about my mother and I’s history and so he forms false assumptions all the time about things, when he just flat out doesn’t get it (and doesn’t want to, either), so to outsiders it can sometimes look like I am just having a “difficult” attitude, when in reality there is so much unspoken history.

So that’s why I’m guessing there is more to all of this than just what you wrote and that your perception probably does make more sense in a big picture sort of way. I personally don’t think I could explain things to others when it comes to our family issues without me having to write a small novel to cover everything and tie everything together. Things are not always what they seem on the surface. So I get that much.

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Yeah I’m actually much more content now than I was before. I mean I made her move out and my Dad told me he is basically indifferent to her marriage now, but I’d wish he’d have a opinion on it at least so I know what side he’s on. So yeah she is out of my life. Only time I see her is never again. But yeah I never had a mother growing up but I know how abusive step-things with bipolar can be. They have no morals beyond themselves. I usually grew up feeling a sense of resentment from her but now that I know I am not to blame for her problems, it is a huge comeback. She basically pulls every trick in the book to separate me from my father. First she threatens my Dad with divorce, my Dad says “whatever”. Then she moves out and puts all the bills on my dad from the camper, to the truck, to the house. So my Dad gets an even better job and pays all these bills on his own now. And the best part is, my Dad only married her to help financially. (Which she doesn’t know but it’s fun to have that idea looming over her head). Now she has no ammunition besides threatening divorce, which my Dad says he doesn’t care if she stays or leaves because he can get another girl if he wants. And one that he likes this time. So it’s all working out and I feel great.

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There is one thing to be sure of: Family relationships are difficult AF. It’s hard because to insert an outsider into a family can be a hazard. They’re unaware of prior history, and a lot of the time, the step-folks will believe their mere presence will make everything groovy. It almost never does. Usually when a step-parent comes into the mix, there was a loss. A death, an imprisonment, a divorce, all kinds of difficult situations that the child had no control over, and most certainly is not responsible for. I’m not wild about step-parents as a sweeping generalization (and I realize it is just that - a generalization). But yeah, I think it’s safe to say that unless a child is very young, a step-parent makes things loads more complicated. Even if a child is grown up and out of the house, step-parents can make things toxic, as they may be seen as “desecrating” a memory or position of another parents.

Yeah I figured I would leave out some details because they didn’t seem important to the story. I was also worried I would have missed something and that is why I asked my Dad what lead up to the even I heard on the phone. I am curious as to what parts of the story don’t make sense. I would like to hear them so I can make myself better if you don’t mind telling me.

Yeah, I’ve been there especially with my extended family. Some of them thought I was upset because she wasn’t my real mother while others saw that she was just nuts.

Yeah I think that’s what some members of my family thought that was how I see things which was never the case. I never knew my mom and I really have very little emotional connection with her, so to say that I am lashing out because my step mom is desecrating my mothers memory is a misperception of the situation. Someone (don’t know who) deserves more credit then that for my inherited ability to problem solve and see things in a better light.

My stepmom has bipolar and I get along great with her. I see it as a challenge that we as a family will help her face. She reads books about Sz to help me. She wants me to have as normal a life as I can.

I know things can be tough when you are mixing a bunch of personalities. I’ve considered dating people with children. (I’ve only window shopped on OkCupid.) I would want to help the children fix all of there problems. I think that is what a decent person does. So maybe try seeing from the adult’s perspective. It might make you feel less agitated about her.

We did have a really good therapist who helped us to blend our family.

Yes I have but the problem is she runs around people’s backs talking about them rather than speaking with them about it.

Oh. Okay. I didn’t know that about her.

It’s alright. We used to see a family therapist too and almost everyone stopped going besides me. And now it’s become a thing where one person is using it as a coercion method to tell the other person they are not living up to their standards. But nobody cares what that person thinks. So it just goes round and round because the person trying to use the therapy as a power tool doesn’t learn very well so they just do the same thing over and over.

So if Step-Thing is leaving, that’s good right? You probably don’t need the added stress of having her around, and your dad doesn’t seem that troubled by it.

All families are disfunctional at some point or another, that’s why there’s so many therapists in my opinion, everyone has a loose screw in the head.

You’re stong enough to fight for yourself, and to know what’s best for you.

I’m also on your side here, I think you’ll do fine.

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Thank you Minnii. She has been moved out for years now but she still threatens my Dad with divorce so that’s they why I think he doesn’t care if she stays or leaves. I personally would like to tell her off on a few things but I just don’t see that happening.

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Now that I reread my post I see some things that don’t make sense, even to me. I will try to do better next time. But it’s like you said, there is alot of history that is hard to explain, especially without moving off the subject I want to put it on.