I don’t know if I feel this way because I’m schizophrenic or because I’m just unlucky enough to get hung up on the worst possible thing to get hung up on. I’m not obsessed with the government or monsters in the walls this time. I’m obsessed with a boy I used to see. I saw him unofficially for four years and he was all I wanted, I even wanted to marry him. Long story short, because of some rumors that got spread about me, he ultimately decided not to date me because of my reputation. It’s killed me every day since. I practically stalk him on social media, but I avoid him like the plague in person. I almost crashed my car once because I saw his car in a parking lot and I froze. I think about him almost 24/7 and I dream about him more nights than not. I cry about it. And I can’t tell my fiancé. He’s been very understanding about my illness but he would never understand this. He’d think I LOVE this guy. I love my fiancé with all my heart and I actually really hate this guy I’m obsessed with. But when I’m obsessing over him it’s like I love him. And I think that’s why I hate him, because of how he makes me feel. I don’t wanna think about him ever. I wanna leave town with my fiancé and never see this guy again. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know if any of you can help me. I guess I’m just more needing to vent than anything else, but if you have advice I’ll take anything. It also doesn’t help that my fiancé somewhat resembles the guy I obsess over. That has nothing to do with why I started dating my fiancé. In fact I wish desperately that they looked nothing alike. I wish something would ■■■■ up this guy’s face so he’d look nothing like my fiancé. I want this guy out of my head. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. And I don’t know why he’s the only person I can’t get out of my life. I’m not even mad at the guy who cheated on me with two girls and a guy. I never think of him. I also never think of the guy that beat me and emotionally abused me. I only think of this guy and it needs to stop before I start ripping my hair out. I need help. And I’m getting help. But no matter what approach my therapist and I take to the situation it doesn’t help at all. I don’t know what I need. A good long stay in the hospital psych ward, maybe. I’m ■■■■■■■ schizophrenic and I’ve never been hospitalized, but this ■■■■■■■ guy is gonna be the reason I have to go to the hospital. Of all the stupid reasons to go to the psych ward, it’s gonna be him. I hate him. I hate him so ■■■■■■■ much
I have no social skills and am no psychologist, but my guess is that you are splicing the love you have for your fiancee with the guy you wanted to marry in the past because when you think of both of them, you think of marriage, and because he looks like your fiancee, you’re forced to think of the guy from the past. i think it has something to do with being hung up on him judging you for your reputation. Your obsession with him might have more to do with being rejected based on your reputation, and fear that that will somehow happen again.
I think there’s a lot of truth to that. Having people I thought were my friends lie about me was bad enough, but when it started to actually impact my life, it was a whole new level of distressing. And I trusted him too and he just decided to believe a rumor instead of the girl he’d stay up talking to every night until 3am. It made me feel pretty worthless
yeah that would really suck and traumatize me.
I just want it to stop bothering me because it happened in high school and my life is great now. I’ve moved on from all of it in my life but why can’t I move on in my head? It’s so frustrating
Oh, Princess. I’m sorry, how awful.
I don’t know if this is any help at all, but my brain has this weird defense mechanism where when I run smack into a harmful thought (for me, dwelling on traumatic or guilty memories), all of a sudden my brain ”talks" over it with something that makes me happy.
I am not going to pretend that these thoughts are cool or edifying - the most common one is “I sure do love my cat!” - but it gets me off the subject and lets me regroup.
I wish my brain did that! I would love to be able to talk myself out of a funk. I don’t know, just keep talking. I need someone outside of my head to talk right now. It’s midnight where I am, no one talks to me at this hour
Obsessions are like that, they drive you crazy. Probably if you find what is at the core of it you will finally be able to let go. It might be the friends betraying you too, idk.
I am going crazy 
I’m freaking bawling. Like I’m losing my ■■■■ and nothing is helping. I wish I’d never met the stupid ■■■■■■. Even if I’m obsessing for other reasons, If I’d never met him, I wouldn’t be obsessing over him. I don’t wanna feel this way, I’m engaged for gods sake. I feel so guilty and I can’t make it stop
I hear voices. I’m terrified every day that I’m gonna start hearing him in my head as well. I wish I could take meds. I wish so much that they helped me
aww poor princesskenny. go ahead and cry it out 
and then try and get some sleep 
. From my very limited perspective you are just afraid that that will happen again. Just remember that even though they look the similar, they are two different people. I’m sure you know how different the two of the them are. I’m sure if he asked you to be his fiancee that he loves you very much 
.
you can’t take meds?!! That’s horrible! How do you survive without meds?
I have this too about my past high school. It kills me how things turned out with my past but i carry on. It is trauma and can be worked through with time and effort but i still cant help but reminisce. But time heals and with some work like meditation u’ll be ok.
He does, and he’s amazing and I wanna be the kind of girl he deserves. I want him to be the only guy on my mind. I love him so much it hurts, I need him to know that. I constantly do things for him that most girls only do on special occasions because inside I feel like I need to prove to him and to myself that I deserve someone like him he’s the first guy to understand me and not be scared of my illness. He helps me through everything but I can’t ask him to help me through this. I’m scared of working through something this big on my own.
And surviving without meds is exactly that. It’s just surviving. I don’t know if it’s really living. It’s hard, but I claw and drag my way through each day and my fiancé is always there to pull me up when I need a hand
that’s sweet of you. Just keep working through it with your therapist. I’m sorry you can only survive. I vaguely remember what life was like before the meds, and I wasn’t even surviving, I was a complete mess. Perhaps with time it will pass 
. If not, your love 
for your fiancee is much deeper than your pain from that guy in high school who broke your heart 
. I have a huge struggle with forgiving myself and others, I don’t know enough about the your personal feelings to know if that is part of it or would help. For now you can just play videogames 
or listen to music 
until the morning when you have someone you can talk to, and/or stay here on this forum.
I’ll stay on here, I need to be around people who get me and what life is like for me. And another thing that’s bothering me is thatthe rumors about me were worse than what I was really like but I did do some horribly sleazy things in high school. I was just dealing with my illness in the worst way. I tried to assimilate by making people like me with my body rather than my personality. I ■■■■■■ a guy in the school bathroom and bragged about it the next day. I dressed like a hooker and I didn’t act much better. I did it with another guy in a laundromat bathroom. I still feel disgusting from it. I think that’s another thing that keeps me obsessed with this guy. I’m the only person who ever went farther than kissing with him. I loved him most for his innocence because I would give anything to have mine back. Social acceptance was not worth the personal price I paid for what I did. I know this is all pretty heavy and super personal but thanks for putting up with it all. I’ve never talked this freely before about what bothers me. I don’t tell people about my feelings ever
The girl I loved has similar eyes as mine… I used to see her soul in my eyes. If I could I would find her and beg her to be with me forever but she is married with three children and I can’t be selfish so I decide I’ll miss her and write songs. Maybe the next life I’ll treat her better and win her heart right
I hope someday somehow it can work for you two. I hate to see other people sad over these same things. The guy I’m hung up on has a gf of over a year (a mutual friend says he still misses me and only chose her because she has the same name and interests as me) but I’m terrified he’s gonna marry her someday. I don’t know why because I’m engaged and I love my fiancé so it doesn’t matter what he does but nonetheless my worst nightmare is him getting married
Staying on here sounds good. I don’t really know how that would make me feel, because I tried to keep a clean cut appearance, but at home I was dealing the pain of school with trying to prove to my family I was some kind of prophet. I even deluded myself into believing it. I think being a false prophet is really bad according to Christianity, and I was hyper judgemental, setting myself up for failure at Judgement Day, and being a hypocrite. I think outwardly I tried to look good and but I was far from pure. Thanks for confiding in me, I don’t know if I’m really the best person to confide in, but this is anonymous so I guess it’s ok. I had rumors around about me too a little bit, for some reason calling me a lesbian just stuck? I’m not really sure where that came from. I never was.
People thought you were a lesbian? I had a similar one. Someone started a rumor that I was trans and was born a man. People are so cruel