Not sure if losing it again. Need to talk.

Hello. I’m a 26 year old three time college dropout programming nerd. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia two years ago after I had a “break” while working at Apple Inc. In Developer programs. I screamed profanities, accused some of them of harboring pedophiles. I shouted out programming instructions and new device names, cried a bunch, spoke in what I had believed at that time to be (and part of me still isn’t sure, I’ll get to that,) an angelic language, claiming for myself the right to be the Jewish Messiah, here to save the world from itself and build a temple in Jerusalem because only I had achieved technological singularity with my understanding of the principles of artificial intelligence and consciousness. I was going to a Hindu temple in Austin, Texas during the time, trying to find similarities between the Hindu Gods and the demons of Solomon’s Greater and Lesser Keys. Now Apple could have called the police, or security, but they didn’t. They called an ambulance instead.

I passed out in the ambulance and woke up about eight hours later in the hospital. I weighed 145 pounds and stand at 6’ 1”. The doctors were asking me questions of whether or not I heard voices or saw things.

Of course I heard voices. They were spirits I was channeling, entities who I was in contact with, messengers from God.

I told them no, I needed to get back to work.

Now it was obvious they didn’t believe me. The doctor then asked me if I saw things that other people didn’t see.

Well yes. The day before the break I realized after work that something was amiss. I had been working on a side project with a friend who was in research and developement. I talked about my partner and my project to my superiors who were very interested. Little did I know that they were looking to contact this person, his name was Ryan Schneider. He was Jewish. He was shorter than me. He was a genius. We worked and talked and got drunk and smoked weed and did acid together. But he never existed.

I told the doctor no.

Long story short they released me that night. I was adamant about getting back to work and I shrugged off the hallucinations and voices and questions as nothing more than a test from Apple, who was really working for the government on a CIA contract of which I was an integral part, they were testing me to see if I was tough enough. Could I go crazy and come back. I walked the five miles from the hospital to the house I was renting that night. I called my boss and manager and said I was fine and I would see them tomorrow. They told me to take the day off and the Monday off. They called me Monday and told me not to come back.

It was then that I really lost it. I was finished. I drove my car to a grocery store parking lot and slept for twelve hours. When a I woke up I went into the store to steal a rotisserie chicken, one of the in-store cooked ones. I couldn’t do it. It was then that’s i decided to get help.

I checked myself into a hospital voluntarily. They gave me shots, they gave me pills, we talked about things. I was flat broke, was no longer allowed to live where I was living at the time (it was an eight minute walk to the Apple campus, part of living there was an agreement that you worked for Apple). I was not in contact with my family as I had come out to them as being gay. This really kind of shook the whole family. I was a four year varsity football captain, a hard worker, a believer in God and at the time Jesus, the oldest brother, the first son. So things were not good when they found out. I had to drop out and move out. I moved to a Austin and got the job at Apple, hoping to find love and fortune.

So there I was in the hospital, a paranoid schizophrenic with an uncontrollable sex drive and an ego as big as Trump.

I took all the meds, gained so much weight (I gained 100 pounds, I went up to 240 so fast).

I worked with a social worker and found myself in a group home after the hospital. Bed bugs, extreme temperatures, gang violence, drugs, crack [ I have only ever done beer, weed, mushrooms and acid(everyone at Apple does Acid)]. I was living off of unemployment and taking the bus everywhere. I was smoking the cheap weed that the landlord sold. I was saving the seeds. I was taking my medicine, I was going to appointments, etc.

Well, this guy asked me to come over one night. He texted me. He was a friend of my best friend at Apple and he had the hots for me. I ended up moving in. It didn’t last long as my best friend eventually got some space at him and lances house, and so i moved in with them, which is where I currently live, and I have for quite some time now, almost two years which is the longest I have lived in a place since highschool.

I found a job as a personal shopper, working long grueling hours late in to the night delivering groceries. I saved all my money. I worked there for a full year. Rent at the house I live in is cheap, and I was able to save up quite a bit of my tips. I decided to save and go back to school. I enrolled in the community college and took the hardest programming and networking classes they offered. I took one semester and made As in all my classes. Then I applied for a job doing technical support for hardware and software for a major multi billion dollar company that isn’t Apple. I also have recently begun programming work for them. I bought a new car, bought a game system, a cat, a bunch of new magic books and swords and wand s and skulls and stones and candles and a ROBE. I’ve been studying algorithms and I have the dream of building my own operating system.

I have also been off my meds ever since I got the new job. I have noticed. A difference.

For one, I have lost tons of weight. I’m back down to 160, which is optimal for my height.

I have a regular sex life. I use the online apps. I’m still very lonely though and would prefer an emotional connection.

I don’t drink any alcohol at all, but instead I smoke weed.

Now I’m not going to argue with the studies that it can increase the likelyhood of being diagnosed with schizophrenia and all that. But for me it helps with the paranoia. It does not help with the hallucinations though. I have decided I can cope with visual hallucinations as I have been learning to ignore them, but i can not cope with the paranoia. I have to smoke a lot. I smile so much weed. It’s ridiculous how much I smoke. I smoke weed and code at my computer and work for hours and hours on end.

Not sure if it’s good or bad but I’ve decided that I’d rather smoke weed and be homeless than not smoke weed at all. Luckily I’m not homeless and I can smoke so win win.

I have a crush on this guy at work. I really like him a lot. I’m not sure if he likes me. We are supposed to hang out soon. I give him rides after work and stuff, and we talk about things, and I know he isn’t straight because he has talked about relationships with other guys. He is extremely cute and I really want to be passionate with him.

I’ve just noticed something though. When people find out that you have schizophrenia they are really hesitant. Even if you are good at hiding it for a while like I am. He confessed the other day to me that he could tell I had it.

It just really sucks.

I still have a hard time cleaning my room and taking are of things. I feed my cat and oh my bills—which for me is a huge accomplishment. I don’t know. I’m definitely experiencing more symptoms than before I quit the meds, but i must say I have much more energy and I can work better. When I was on the meds I couldn’t do anything that required higher or creative thought. I’d rather have symptoms (and mine are bad) than not have symptoms but not be able to think. It’s hard to explain. Does anyone else out there have any ideas? I just hope I can impress this cute guy enough to like me. I hope I can overcome the stigma. Damn. I shouldn’t have told him the truth about it. But he said he could tell.

I want to change the world. I just need to figure out what’s real first.

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I read all that. Interesting story. You sound quite accomplished, in spite of the SZ.

Two things I can suggest, one is switching to a THC-free strain high in CBD, so that the THC doesn’t make you lose your sanity (it worsens schizophrenia.)

Second thing is to give Amyloban 3399 a try, if you’re adamant on staying away from antipsychotics. Me and another forum regular are taking it and have experienced at least a 2/3rds reduction in symptoms. There is more info including some studies here.

Good luck!

I don’t know if I can help, I was screaming all sorts of accusations at my mom outside the house about her being a drug dealer and a bunch of other stuff that wasn’t true during my first episode four years ago. I thought I might be bisexual at one point, but I don’t sleep with men or find them romantically attractive. Nor have I ever slept with any men, so I don’t know what to say about it, my dating experience is always with women. I tried and went on one date with a gay guy who was really into me and it just felt odd like a friend asking me to kiss him. Didn’t try again after that. Was kind of a shame, I was looking forward to making a lot of new friends.

I guess having hallucinations could be a liability for you, it would probably be best if you tried to find a medicine that doesn’t make you gain weight. There’s several to try, not all of them make me eat. Off meds you might be doing well but if you have a relapse you could lose insight again and think things that everyone around you knows isn’t true. The only med that made me feel like a Zombie was Seroquel, they have me on a low dose of Zyprexa right now that does zonk me a little but it’s a favorable tradeoff because I hear the voices less often.

The odds of you recovering while abusing weed are somewhere between slim and none. Sorry.


thanks for replying guys. I’ll look into those meds. I’m just really enjoying not taking them right now. The only thing that’s not fun is the bad/mean/scary voices, and the ghosts that fly around the corners. Cutting through all this is hard.

I guess I’m just now getting comfortable with the acceptance phase. It’s challeneging recognizing you have a significant disadvantage and you have to work extra hard to make up for it just to survive.

There are days when I just want to drop out and go be homeless somewhere nice, like a beach town with good weather. The only reason why I don’t is the hope that’ll I’ll find romantic love one day. We will see. I’ve been getting my heartbroken lately. As soon as people start to find out or notice things they def. put more distance between themselves and me. It’s frustrating. I’d like to think that I’m mentally capable of handling a relationship, burn i may not be. If I’m not, I’d like to know now so I can quit while I’m ahead and focus on trying to find satisfaction in other things.

I don’t think recovery actually exists. You either make it doing things or you don’t.

So why did i got much better since my diagnosis? You don’t feel ok maybe because you don’t take meds now and besides you smoke weed. That’s what i read in this topic lol

Of course recovery is real, it’s what we’re all striving for. People with sz who recover and become high functioning are an inspiration.

I’ve been dealing with SZ for a quarter century. Have a career. Have a wife and a kid. Own property and some nice vehicles. Have interesting hobbies. Am a valued part of my community (have awards to prove it). Oh, and, I take meds for my illness and this doesn’t stop me from living a life I enjoy.

If I can do it, you can do it.


You just have to keep trying to find a med or combo of meds that works for you.

And MrSquirrel does it with meds, to boot.

Not all meds cause weight gain, by the way. Here’s a chart of antipsychotics that tells you how they affect weight on average (some antipsychotics cause weight loss, even:)


Well since you are intelligent, you should take a long, hard, look at your marijuana use. Pot really messes up a lot of schizophrenics. Be honest with yourself about what it’s doing to you. I know that other schizophrenics who smoke it are willing to accept some negative effects it has on them because pot helps with one aspect of their disease. They think it’s a good trade-off.

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