Everything I do is for nothing. I never get any social validation for anything I do. Even when I do something good. Or whatever. It doesn’t matter. All I get is resentment from family and society as a whole. Just because I can’t show emotions on my face? It’s just complete and utter hypocrisy. And I have to deal with idiots that think they’re smarter than me, or think their opinions are more important than mine just because I have flat affect. F off.
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I’m miserable 24/7. Every time I think, you know my life used to be infinitely better than this, there is no way it has gotten this bad, but then I have another crappy social interaction, where people completely miss the point im trying to make, or the joke, or whatever. I can’t keep running in circles like this for the rest of my life. I literally can’t.
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I know my life is a joke. I know it is. But normal people don’t understand what they take for granted. The ability to enjoy things. To contribute to society. I can still technically contribute stuff to society, but it won’t be acknowledged just because everyone takes out the meaning of every singe action I do. My life is completely pointless to the bone. And I have to live with that. Every second. Every god damn second.
What do you think the point of everybody else’s life is, out of curiosity?
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As you become one with the universe,
grasshopper,
you will know that everything any of us do
is for nothing.
You must learn to enjoy the wind just for the feel of it across your skin, and not for where it blows your sails. 
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Well, I’m a nihilist. So it’s not like their life means anything more than mine. It’s the social construct that makes them think their life is more important than mine. But I am also tied to those social constructs.
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Actually, I was nihilist becoming existentialist before this illness. I think life is about creating your own meaning in it. But I can’t anymore. Without the ability to socialize, life is beyond pointless.
Why not unbind yourself from these ties? Then life gets a lot easier.
Challenge and change your values to your genuine ones., perhaps…
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That requires an autistic way of looking at socializing. I’m not autistic. I have nothing against autistic people, infact, I’m quite jealous, cause I believe being both autistic and schizophrenic would reduce or remove the social suffering aspect of this illness.
And it would require me to just throw away every last part of myself. Which doesn’t even seem possible. Actually, I can’t. But the world has thrown away every last part of myself.
I am not autistic either.
I just think that applying capitalistic values to a sz life is self defeating.
When it comes to socialising, find a circle that you really belong to. Start with your interests and find people who like them too, perhaps.
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And I’m sorry, I don’t mean to push my negativity on anyone else, I’m mostly just venting.
Eh, idk. Seems impossible. Even people who are nice to me, there is no true connection.
The ever self defeating spiral of misery where it looks like there is no way out.
Don’t get trapped there! Step outside of yourself and beome the very thing you wish to see in the world. Then you will attract likeminded souls, perhaps.
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It is my get out clause so my advice doesn’t ruin anybody’s life!
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Don’t play a game you can’t win. Play a different game. I found things that I can not only do, but do so well that NTs came to me to ask me to teach them, or if I will do these things for them for pay. My employer acknowledges that I have the social skills of a baked potato (not kidding, it’s in my HR file), but there are few employees here who can audit policies at my speed and accuracy level.
Gotta carve out your own niche.
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