I get periods of time where I feel absolute despair ,kinda like the first relationship gone bad where you think the world has ended, but I get that regularly.
I mean in cycles that I can set my watch by,what happens to me is when im in that state I eventually get sick of it then I eventually get in a rage because it wont stop.
When im in this state its like im possessed because I say and think mean, cruel,psychotic things.
No interest in life?!
Why this life is the most interesting thing that has ever happened, who could not be interested in this?!
Who i ask?!
LOL im glad you are still with us pans and its great that you are feeling somewhat better.
That sounds like a put down or something.
You are glad im still here?
Like now when i here someone go āyou deserve to liveā i think they hate me or something because who would curse someone with this life. āI hope you live a long long timeā sounds like a cruel threat actually.
I just said that because last winter you seemed to be really down wanting to end it.
And I just think its cool that you didnāt ā¦after all you are our resident pessimist and necessary for keeping the balance.
Didnāt mean any disrespect.
I think youāll like this forum waterwayā¦
I talk to chipmunksā¦fry bacon in the nudeā¦and cross-dress as Celine Dion every Saturday nightā¦
So I think your problems will pale in comparison to mine, and hopefully provide you with a more positive outlook on life!! 
It was just stressful as hell.
No one is watching you. Apple makes some of the most secure products in the industry. Youād have to at least sign some documents to get married. Reincarnation is trippy, but their is no evidence for it. I donāt consider it real.
On the note of people looking at youā¦ Iāve dealt with that too. I donāt mean to be forward, but the simple answer is probably that your attractive, beyond that everybody gets looked at anyways.
I used to complain about that to people. At one point my mom said, āwell you just have this presence.ā Another girl said āwell your damned sexy, of course theyāre looking.ā
It does trigger hallucinations when people look at me. I could see it as grounds to make that delusion engine start churning in your case. Iāve gotten used to it and donāt pay it any mind. The hallucinations donāt say anything I havenāt heard a thousand times before.
Use your logic, find someone who you can contact at any time who is willing to help you reality check. Or a few people if need be.
Reality is simple, really the world doesnāt care about its individuals. Strangers might take interest in you but 99.9% of the time they donāt mean to intrude or cause any harm. If your wise in where you go and all that that can easily become 100%.
Iād relax and not try to think so hard. Equip yourself with the reasoning and frame of mind to negate your delusions.
Iām fine now. Just my relapse lasted for five months and the last two months, the camera conspiracies started to surface. Once I recover, Iām at 100% and I realize my delusions arenāt real. Itās just during the psychotic episode, these thoughts come up and I have no control over them. Even the radio and TV start talking to me, everything around me becomes about me and my mind creates endless stories. This is part of my illness. Iām surrounded with good people who help me, Iām lucky enough.
Yeah. Perception of false reference to the self is a big one.
Itās kind of become a game I play. I have no choice as the hallucinations have never lapsed. The real challenge is behaving normally while all this other ā ā ā ā is going on in my head.
Life with this illness is strange.
Hereās to hoping to good days for the both of us.
Sorry that I did not read all posts due to my lack of concentration, but I believe that it helps you to talk with some professional, I know it is very stressful to live if you have any suicidal thoughts. Talk to some real persons and get some meds if you have not. When I was depressed in America many times I could not really talk about these things although I was married at the timeā¦ I had to go through āall that mind messā by myself. Well I was just a legal alien then in America and their family wanted everything be just fine. Talk to some professional person and they can help you. The life is worth living.
Ideas of referenceā¦ I hate thoseā¦ that really amps up the paranoia and makes me feel spied on.
Then Iām sure Iām being followed. I eventually had to get rid of the T.V. and take a break from music with lyricsā¦ just classical or instrumentalā¦ no T.V. and I started feeling better.
@waterway Iām glad to hear you have a good support systemā¦ I may have gotten the bad hand in the family geneticsā¦ but I got all aces with my familyā¦ very lucky in the family departmentā¦ having a good support system helps so muchā¦
I hope you feel better soonā¦ 
This sounds exactly where Iām at I had a breakdown after several years of doing okay and Iām starting to move on with life but Iām taking 160 of Latuda and Iāll tell you my birthday was this week and Iām sitting at my birthday party with 30 people that came to see me and all I wanted to do is die it just nothing has a good taste you know food excitement laughter nothing does but we didnāt get this far from just holding our hands and hiding in the closet we got to keep pushing no matter how tasteless it is it will be better days thatās a fact life is nothing but peaks and valleys just keep moving forward push against live because it sure has pushed against us keep your head up
thought i would say hi.
take care 
You said you went to uni, do you live in the UK? Iāve never heard an American use that word. lol
haha no. Iām Lebanese, born in Beirut, although caucasian origin, I immigrated to Canada in 2011.
There should be a thing for f***s givenā¦
Oh ok Lots of Canadians on here
You should be glad half of your country doesnāt think Donald Trump would be a good presidentā¦