I feel like the laziest person in the world. Today I have done absolutely nothing except browse the web. My therapist and doctor tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it, that it is a symptom and I can’t help it. My GF doesn’t seem to mind it because I cook, clean and do laundry. But without an external direction I am utterly listless.
It is really frustrating for me because I would like to play video games or read at the very least. I have this dream of getting off disability and getting a job at a really small company writing reports or programming or whatever. I used to do it before I was diagnosed. I even have a CS degree and it is kind of morale breaking that I can’t will myself to do anything.
The metaphor I use with my therapist is that the engine is revving but the transmission won’t shift out of neutral. In over two years of therapy it has yet to make any difference. I want to quit that too, but the people around me think it is soooo good for me that they even pay for it.
I get a lot from SSDI, but its barely enough to live a lifestyle close to what I had before my diagnosis. I have an apartment, a car, a computer and internet. I can afford healthy food. I even manage to save $100 every month. I don’t need more than that, but it would be nice to be able to afford dental work, or god forbid medical care should I need it. A hospitalization costs $1600 by the time I am finished paying the doctors. My medication choices aren’t shaped by what is best for me, but rather what is generic. I want to be able to save something for when I am old. All these things are impossible without making more money. To make more money I have to find motivation. My doctor says my lack of motivation is my disease. My disease makes it impossible for me to attain my goals and it is depressing.
I just wish people would understand. I get a lot of ■■■■ because I don’t talk to myself or have crippling delusions. I am still just as broken in every way that counts, but people think I should be doing exactly what I was doing before I got sick now that I am on medication. People don’t understand it because its not something you can see or observe. Its not something that the medication treats (if it isn’t the medicine causing this). People have told me that I am stealing from them before.
Its just something that has been distressing me.
What are your thoughts.