yesterday we visited my friend and she just had a baby and she was adorable and precious.
I didn’t hold her or touch her but it is magical to be a mother and feel that love for your baby.
In the ride back home I told my partner I kinda want a baby too but I don’t think it is possible.
I think if I have a kid, I could work, take care of the baby, cook, clean and just be a good partner and start a family.
Before falling asleep I did some research and apparently 3 in 100 women who are on antipsychotic have a baby with birth defects especially it happens in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. It is scary - even if everything seems normal, the baby could be born with another hidden illness and could even develop schizophrenia in further years as both, my mom, my aunt and me are in the family and my dad has some psychotic stuff too.
my life feels like a huge failure sometimes.
The only thing that is working well in my life is my career. (which is only for myself) and it does not fulfill me.
My relationship is not good, my health is not good, my future is not bright and the things I can not have are the things I want to have. Such as a great fun happy relationship, a family afterwards and good health. I guess some people don’t even have careers so like - at least I have that?!
I will take my injection on Wednesday so maybe my attitude will change afterwards.
That is really scary about the birth defects.