I don’t know what pregnancy is doing to my head, but it’s killing me. I was totally stable and high functioning before I got pregnant, and now I’m a loony mess. They’ve put me on xanax, which is not typically prescribed to pregnant women because of the risks, but they had no choice other than to hospitalize me again. I’m also still on risperidone and I feel like absolute ■■■■. The side effects are terrible plus being fat and having all the other pregnancy ■■■■ is killing me. But it’s my own stupid fault I’m on all this stuff. I began to believe that I was undead, so I stopped eating and sleeping and I really wasn’t taking care of myself to the point where I was so starved that I passed out at home and had to be taken to the hospital. The xanax is helping, but I’m worried it’s going to hurt my son. If I could be done with this pregnancy right now, I would. I want to feel like myself again. My fiancé and I have actually had to have conversations about putting Ben up for adoption if I don’t get better after he’s born. I can’t take care of a baby like this, we can’t afford daycare, and neither of us can afford to quit our jobs. If my mental health doesn’t improve after he’s born, I need to give him to someone who can take proper care of him. I just hope we don’t have to make that decision
I’m so sorry you’re going through so much right now. Pregnancy really messes with your hormones and can do terrible things to your brain. Try to be easy on yourself and remember that this isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose to have an illness, and you are trying your best. The medications are a necessary part of keeping yourself healthy enough to continue growing a baby.
Since you’re past your first trimester, the main risk now will be that your baby will go through withdrawal when he is born. That will be unpleasant for him, but he will survive and be fine. He will just need to spend a few days in the NICU. My mom is a NICU nurse, and she takes care of babies going through withdrawal all the time.
I hope things start to get better for you soon. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Going on a guilt trip will not do you any favors.
Sorry to hear how you are struggling with this pregnancy. I am sure it is hard enough even without mental health issues, let alone with them. Work with your doctors and take care of yourself. You are in my prayers.
I’m sorry to hear you’re having trouble…I have been a mess too. I was totally doing well and then boom shitstorm, now I am taking a gap year. I think I want to do neuroscience when I go back, that was what I started school doing. What comes to my mind is what meds you were on- how come you wet from stable to mess? I went from adrenaline junkie to just burned out. That and other things, but that started it.
One foot in front of the other, sweetheart, don’t look down. Take care of yourself, and if you made a decision you didn’t like yesterday, make a better one today.
Yeah @PrincessKenny if it helps, I feel you… Pregnancy was a nightmare for me too. I was feeling fat, dumb and useless 90% of time, with all those mood up and downs…completely losing control of myself.
It started to get better after 7th month when my belly got noticeable bigger and I kinda start to feel that I already love that little baby.
It will get better. Sure you will have some seriously shitty times when you gonna curse your life and your destiny and everyone around…but remember that’s something even normal mothers go through…and we then even have a bigger justification.
I hope it all goes the best way for you and little Kenny.
Oh and don’t worry about meds too much. I was taking Zoloft in the first trimester and the baby was just fine. Stress can cause much more harm…so take your meds, keep out of smoking places…try to stabilize…find some occupation when you’re alone…
I just hope I can take care of him after he’s born. I don’t wanna have to give him up. And I also don’t want these mental changes to be permanent. I want to go back to being high functioning. And I feel bad for my fiancé. He’s never had to take care of me like this before. I can tell he’s worried about me and that he’s exhausted
Thank you, I really appreciate the support. It helps me to know that people care
I feel really guilty about taking the xanax but it’s helping me. I just don’t want him to struggle with addiction later in life because I couldn’t keep my head screwed on right for just three more months
Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that from someone who’s been through it. I’ll hit the seven month mark in a couple of weeks, so I hope things start to get better. I’m also really worried about postpartum depression, did you have any of that? I’m worried that I’ll do a terrible job of taking care of him
I didn’t have a postpartum depression, well, not diagnosed one. I did cry a lot first weeks after the birth, because, everything seems so scary and demanding, you’re so vulnerable and baby so small…BUT it ain’t that hard if you have a support around ( I had my mom) and if you take advices from more experienced moms (like me Lol) who will tell you that what is happening is normal, every woman goes through it and it will pass.
I think that you’re supposed to have a nurse ( don’t know how you call it) that is required to check on you and help you with breastfeeding and stuff). That helps too. Just having someone experienced who you can call when you start to panick. 
Also you gonna see a lot of poop. Its aaall gonna be about poop for the first weeks. 
I think you cannot be worse than me, I really suck and had my mom with us 24/7 first month.
But you see, maternal instinct is a real thing. You gonna learn very fast.
Everything will be okay Kenny Princess.
You have our best wishes whatever you decide.
I am so sorry you are so upset and suffering. I will pray for you and your son. and your husband too.
i’m sorry, some how my mom made it through two pregnancies and she is bipolar and she took no meds while pregnant but everyone is different just remember that some women have hard pregnancies some don’t.
I think it is scary enough to have a child, let alone with all the issues you are having, Just from your posts, once you get used to looking after him and the first scary part has passed you will make a great MOM, if you choose not to be, it just shows what a great person you are putting your son first.
Hormones wreak havoc on your mental health @PrincessKenny.
You will feel better once the pregnancy is over.
Please hang in there and listen to all of your doctors.
This shall pass.
I’m sure that you will make an excellent Mother.
I’m probably gonna be constantly asking you if something is normal lol it’s one thing to know about kids and mental illness it’s another thing to HAVE kids and mental illness
@crimby and @jukebox thank you both so much. I really appreciate all the support, and my fiancé does too
I wish I wasn’t having such a hard time. I feel like I should be enjoying this and it should all be a happy time, but it’s pretty miserable for both me and my fiancé