Need advice please~

DX'd - Other
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Hey I’m new round here~
(and long winded sorry, I’m just so lonely)

I have psychotic episodes, sounds and voices in my head, perceptions that go haywire and insane levels of stress/paranoia - been that way since I was a wee child so I’ve grown used to it, but it’s increasingly hard to deal with.

1 I’m not diagnosed atm but my life’s been pretty hellish for a while now, despite all the good things in it.
One of them is my boyfriend. He’s one of the best things to have happened to me. Thing is, my psychotic episodes are hard on him (if he comes home and I’m writhing on the floor, or he tells me something and I start screaming and hitting myself, etc…). I know it makes him feel horribly helpless and depressed because no matter how hard he tries or how better I feel, IT COMES BACK. I don’t know what to do; I don’t even know what I have, it’s frustrating!
I would like to know if someone knows what I could do/tell him to make it easier on him? I’m used to being the ‘responsible, strong, caring figure’ but with my psychosis running rampant I can’t seem to do anything right. I saw someone say somewhere: ‘don’t describe in detail what’s happening’ and I was like, OMFG I’m so dumb, since I’ve stopped he’s been feeling better. Any other ‘obvious’ advice TO DO / NOT TO DO please? Because what’s ‘normal’ to me isn’t for most people so I have absolutely no clue as to how to behave.

2 Also, I see a psychologist (mostly for PTSDish related stuff, my voices use my memory against me all the time, I figured that if they didn’t have anything to work with they wouldn’t hurt as much) and I would like to broach the topic with her, but I CAN’T and it’s driving me NUTS. I’d like for her to take me seriously, see if I can get a diagnosis or a referral just for the specific issue of my psychotic breaks…So I can get meds? Or at least explain to others that think I’m ‘faking it’.
How can I work around:
A: my stress
B: the voices in my head (understandably they don’t want to get treated)
C: the fact that I’ve been seeing mental health people for FOUR YEARS and I’ve gone through every loophole in the system, been referred like 5 times (reason being: OMG I hadn’t noticed but you’re a hot mess, I’m not qualified here is a more qualified person to deal with you) and am now having appointments at the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Is it the final level?
D: the fact that I present as absolutely normal and hella successful: brilliant academic record, meaningful relationships, outwardly cheerful + humour, tough mature kid… PEOPLE JUST DON’T BELIEVE ME. I have voices in my head, screaming profanities at me and they’re like: ‘chill bro dat’s normal you’re normal stop sweating it’ ‘why are you being such an attention whore you already have it all’ even after they’ve seen me break down monumentally. Like the ‘me with problems’ and the ‘me who’s going to kick ur ass’ don’t add up at all?
E: the fact no one believes that a 8y old kid could have had hallucinations, be laughed at, proceed to shut everyone out and march through life because ‘tomorrow will be better’ with no one caring until he reached his twenties.

3 On the other hand, if I get a diagnosis my family will treat me like a child again. How can I tell them mental illness doesn’t mean: ‘coddle me please I’m a helpless fool’, that would be quite unwarranted and inappropriate given they ignored me and left me to cope for 12 years?

It’s…lonely. And I’m scared that I’ll be left to rot inside my head without anyone paying attention until I’m so broken I can’t even live, because I should ‘man up’ and ‘deal with it bitch’ and ‘you’re not even a sob story you sap’. Yikes Glum.

Thanks bunches people!

crosses fingers

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wow! well I think you are having some anxiety problems for sure. I think it’s great how aware you are about whats going on in your head, It might be helpful for you to talk with a mental health professional about your “psychotic episodes”. Voices and thoughts are two different things but if you have one that’s bullying you, you might want to ask it what its problem is. And when he/she pipes up just take control like you would with a child and set down some rules/boundaries. Don’t forget at the end of the day you’re in charge. Our voices are being generated from within - ultimately someone has to be in charge or things wont go smoothly. You seem nice and you don’t deserve to have someone calling you names and belittling you - don’t settle for it. That’s all I can think of to help you out. Be well.

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Maybe see if you can talk to a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist

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You always have the right to challenge your voices and you don’t have to take what they say as gospel or believe what they say.

You probably already know this but distraction techniques work the best when you want to get out of your own head! Things like watching tv and listening to music, talking to other people. - now that you seem to be under the care of the psychiatric’s, that’s definitely a step in the right direction :slight_smile:

Are you on any medication for this? As that may be a good way to get a handle on what’s going on! Certainly is working for me!

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I hope you get taken seriously and get help ASAP, it’s unfair to be treated so foolishly for such a problem.
My episodes began gradually starting September of last year and were very minimal, but as time went on, I got voices in my head that were mean to me, one actually tried to protect me but rarely was around even if my primary voice would bully me to convince myself I was experiencing normal things and should hurt myself to see if this is even real at all.
I’m on medication and beginning to slowly realize they’re more like thoughts from deep down but just aren’t in my control. They’ve stopped being violent and demanding when I’ve gotten on meds, but occasionally they pipe up with obnoxious things like voicing what I’m thinking about or writing/typing. I know medication can take a good while before you notice major differences though, but for your sake, with how bad your situation is, I hope you DO get help. I submitted myself to a hospital just to get the help I needed since my therapist/GP wasnt going to appoint me anytime soon.

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Print this post out and give it to your psychologist. Doing that is often much easier than making yourself say the words out loud. The way to make things easier on your boyfriend is to get your symptoms under control and being up front with your psychologist is the best way to start.

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Holy long post ! My eyes my eyes

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Like Rhubot said you need to talk to a doctor. But the thing is you have to be 100% percent honest with them.

We’re not doctors, so we can’t diagnose you. But a psychologist/psychiatrist can more likely be able to tell what’s going on with you.

Take care. :v:

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I’d suggest that you see a psychiatrist right away. Preferrably one from a teaching university.

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Thanks to everyone who responded! I didn’t think I’d get as many replies so quickly!
I’ve gathered that I should see a psychiatrist then. I’ll see what I can do (getting an appointment is rather tough)
I guess I was a bit reluctant because my only experience with a psychiatrist went pretty bad, and it had taken a lot from me to go and do it (basically all he told me was that I had a pokerface and would take a lot of time to sort out that he didn’t have, I went home and cried myself to sleep). But I’ll try again. I’ll ask my psychologist if she can get me an appointment (that’s what happened the first time I saw a psychiatrist, a psychologist had gotten me an appointment so I didn’t have to wait as much).
Sometimes it’s just so hard to manage everything that I miss the obvious, or chicken out. So yeah, thanks!

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I know, but even when I think I’ve distanced myself from them, I realise they creep back in, invading my way of thinking, slowly taking over. I know they’re wrong most of time, but it’s really insidious because they take something ‘believable’ as starting point (memories, random observation etc…). So they’re also right, sometimes.
Ah yes, I’ll try to do that more! I have a tendency to shut myself off when the delusions creep in, but I’ll try to reach out instead.
No I’m not on any kind of medication! Actually, medication scares me… If I ever get prescribed some I’ll take them, but it makes me really anxious.

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Sorry for the separate replies! I hadn’t seen how well this website is made, it’s pretty amazing :slight_smile:

@Cipher Mine are…weird? Most I identify as ‘me’ but not me, I thought it was normal until recently tbh. I thought everyone had it. They vary with my mood, but they’re always pretty obnoxious. Thank you for the validation, it means a lot (it gets tiring trying to get help when no one listens).

@Rhubot Wow yeah, I’ll do that! I had noticed I did better with written words, but didn’t know if it would be appropriate. I’m scared of being too upfront, because I quickly lose patience when I’m not listened to. I’ve scared therapists before. But in written form I’ll have more control. It’s a really good tip, thanks.

-> meg: I did warn you know? Though I’m sure you’re eyes are still pretty when they burn :wink:

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ok

  1. get diagnosed , the boyfriend thing , i lost my partner due to this kinda BS as they didnt stick around to support me so im jealous and consider you lucky , have you tried being open with him ? like actually asking him wether he wants to hear in detail whats going on or if he prefers not too , or a better idea is to shift your attention to him , whenever you notice hes there for you and makes you feel better you should express your love for him and perhaps talk about positive things , ex. your future together , what you wanna do with your lives , holidays , your feelings towards him etc etc

  2. mine use my memory too and its fucken annoying , main thing is to acknowledge that whatever theyre trying to use against you , regardless of how bad it may be…just accept it , this was you , this took place . that your life no matter where youve been or what youve done (ive done some pretty fucked up an horrific things myself) is all that you have and there is no reason to be ashamed of it.

i know what its like not to be believed , just remember if your bf loves you he will believe you at the very least that (at the risk of sounding offensive)your just delusional . he knows its real , but real for you , not for him…or its as real for him as it is for you because although he may not experience it , he knows that you do , and if he loves you he will care about what your going through

(my concept of delusional is more so that although it is real for US that no1 else is experiencing it)

We are definded by our present , not by our past , and if our present is not ideal then we work towards a future that is

3 . who sais being diagnosed would mean your family would have to know about it ? tell them when your ready , unless and most likely if you were ignored like i was myself…you probably subconsciously wanna be coddled but would never accept it…

It is lonely , i lost my partner of 5 years of which i wished to marry and have children YOU STILL HAVE YOURS , BE GRATEFUL…the majority of my friends too…try not talking down on yourself either , if your gonna address yourself do it lovingly and respectfully

ummm i spent a year isolated in my head with the voices alone day and night , nearly went mad , nobody pays attention to me really at all anymore and i hate it , i can barely live myself…

just count your blessings and show appreciation for the few things you do have in your life

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Yeah, most people have the one voice that’s them, but for people like us, it usually doesn’t feel like it belongs to us but it’s coming from within, should the voices be internal, which can be very confusing!
Oh really? That should be something to tell your doctor/psychiatrist if you can get one soon, that can be a huge indicator, if they bounce with your moods…I think a lot of voices tend to be pretty loud and unwanted.
You’re welcome, I can understand where your coming from…sort of, except I had people who took my whole suicidal ideals and what not seriously.
As my therapist said, if you don’t have an appointment and it gets to the degree the voices are going to make you want to kill/hurt yourself, to go get help immediately.

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Yes, for the longest time I was like: izzat me? izzatnotme?
Yeah? Didn’t know that, thanks. It also worsens when I don’t sleep, which is often. ‘Substance’ also worsens it. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t do drugs. Once I drank too much coffee after a sleepless night, and it felt like dying. I suppose I should note that too then?
Mine can be almost nice? If I draw about them for example. They’re really vain. And sometimes if I have a test (eg) they back off to let me work and play relaxing music, or give me back the brain activity they use up all the time, so I can go quicker. But more often than not it’s like this overgrown child that has access to my sound/visual bank, and overlaps/mixes everything on top of the other.
Well at least I think I’m past that point…Absolutely positive I would never kill myself, not even by accident, but I used to hurt myself a lot. I found it relaxing. I was really careful so I didn’t see the problem. Now I don’t anymore, out of respect and love for my partner, but sometimes it claws at me. And when I’m in psychosis mode, I just don’t know what I’m doing, so sometimes I do by accident.
How do I get ‘help immediately’? (because obviously what I’m doing is not working). I usually go to my partner and friends and chitchat or browse the internet, but that only slightly lessens the want. (which is rather overwhelming)
I was accepted in the emergency service when I was 16 after having an episode at school and a ‘psychopanic attack’ on the way home and I was physically normal, no drugs etc… (bet they didn’t even see my scars, they’re really tiny) And they didn’t even think to put me in the psych ward, so after breaking down repeatedly, screaming, thrashing, defending myself against the wicked blood test and laughing at the incompetent staff, looking like I’d gone through an acid trip and screeching I was fine, I was released to my family with a ‘your kid is weird but he’s 100 per cent normal’.