Hey I’m new round here~
(and long winded sorry, I’m just so lonely)
I have psychotic episodes, sounds and voices in my head, perceptions that go haywire and insane levels of stress/paranoia - been that way since I was a wee child so I’ve grown used to it, but it’s increasingly hard to deal with.
1 I’m not diagnosed atm but my life’s been pretty hellish for a while now, despite all the good things in it.
One of them is my boyfriend. He’s one of the best things to have happened to me. Thing is, my psychotic episodes are hard on him (if he comes home and I’m writhing on the floor, or he tells me something and I start screaming and hitting myself, etc…). I know it makes him feel horribly helpless and depressed because no matter how hard he tries or how better I feel, IT COMES BACK. I don’t know what to do; I don’t even know what I have, it’s frustrating!
I would like to know if someone knows what I could do/tell him to make it easier on him? I’m used to being the ‘responsible, strong, caring figure’ but with my psychosis running rampant I can’t seem to do anything right. I saw someone say somewhere: ‘don’t describe in detail what’s happening’ and I was like, OMFG I’m so dumb, since I’ve stopped he’s been feeling better. Any other ‘obvious’ advice TO DO / NOT TO DO please? Because what’s ‘normal’ to me isn’t for most people so I have absolutely no clue as to how to behave.
2 Also, I see a psychologist (mostly for PTSDish related stuff, my voices use my memory against me all the time, I figured that if they didn’t have anything to work with they wouldn’t hurt as much) and I would like to broach the topic with her, but I CAN’T and it’s driving me NUTS. I’d like for her to take me seriously, see if I can get a diagnosis or a referral just for the specific issue of my psychotic breaks…So I can get meds? Or at least explain to others that think I’m ‘faking it’.
How can I work around:
A: my stress
B: the voices in my head (understandably they don’t want to get treated)
C: the fact that I’ve been seeing mental health people for FOUR YEARS and I’ve gone through every loophole in the system, been referred like 5 times (reason being: OMG I hadn’t noticed but you’re a hot mess, I’m not qualified here is a more qualified person to deal with you) and am now having appointments at the psychiatric ward of the hospital. Is it the final level?
D: the fact that I present as absolutely normal and hella successful: brilliant academic record, meaningful relationships, outwardly cheerful + humour, tough mature kid… PEOPLE JUST DON’T BELIEVE ME. I have voices in my head, screaming profanities at me and they’re like: ‘chill bro dat’s normal you’re normal stop sweating it’ ‘why are you being such an attention whore you already have it all’ even after they’ve seen me break down monumentally. Like the ‘me with problems’ and the ‘me who’s going to kick ur ass’ don’t add up at all?
E: the fact no one believes that a 8y old kid could have had hallucinations, be laughed at, proceed to shut everyone out and march through life because ‘tomorrow will be better’ with no one caring until he reached his twenties.
3 On the other hand, if I get a diagnosis my family will treat me like a child again. How can I tell them mental illness doesn’t mean: ‘coddle me please I’m a helpless fool’, that would be quite unwarranted and inappropriate given they ignored me and left me to cope for 12 years?
It’s…lonely. And I’m scared that I’ll be left to rot inside my head without anyone paying attention until I’m so broken I can’t even live, because I should ‘man up’ and ‘deal with it bitch’ and ‘you’re not even a sob story you sap’. Yikes Glum.
Thanks bunches people!