My thoughts and feelings currently

Unusual Beliefs
1

They thought I had borderline personality disorder before. But I got diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome instead. I currently have Schizophrenia (technically, Schizoaffective bipolar Type). Most of my dissociation is gone, except I sometimes have the fantasy (technically, delusion) I have DID (multiple personality disorder) but I don’t. I never got diagnosed and doctors denied it. I never had a girflriend and lack social skills and am a geek/nerd so asperger’s makes sense, but I was a normie before schizophrenia or my psychotic break. Most doctors say I don’t have Asperger’s and just diagnosis me with schizoaffective disorder now. They said bipolar type, not depressive type. I sleep a lot.

My derealization, depersonalization, dissociation was so bad I thought I was in eternal hell for eternity. I’m a bit of a hypochrondric and even felt like I could have had at one point Cotard Syndrome, but didn’t really fit the full critera for it.

I guess schizoaffective is better than schizophrenia, but I feel low to moderate functioning since I cannot work or feel burnout or psychological damage from psychosis or mental illness and going through the ropes or motions for years.

I guess the point was I sometimes wonder if I do have BPD. Did I manipulate the doctors subconsciously to diagnose me with asperger’s? I don’t know. Asperger’s made sense to me, but then they said schizophrenia instead – later on. It doesn’t matter.

I might have an aspie brain, but I am schizophrenic now. I think you can technically have both, but I don’t get double the benefits haha lol jk.

I don’t have abandonment, but I have problems with my dad currently. I forgave my mom for leaving me as a child. My dad is a jerk to every body.

I have mental dissociation currently, but not visual dissociation anymore. It’s like mental processes and memories are dissociated, I guess.

I probably hear and see stuff, sometimes unknowingly. Like at night when having nightmares and having severe intrusive thoughts or inserted or unwanted thoughts and stuff like that.

Previously, I had one doctor suggest I didn’t have psychosis, but a personality disorder, but she didn’t specify or I forgot, but she later changed her mind about it. I don’t remember the details.

I have a thought disorder I was told in group theory before. I have a strong imagination, am fantasy prone, and have delusions, I guess. I hallucinate with my mind’s eye or my imagination.

I believe in past lives or infinite reincarnation and believe in aliens and stuff like that and simulation theory…

I think I know stuff, but I don’t. I think I’m a genius in some ways or special or gifted, but am not. It’s just my inner most thoughts, I guess.

My mom said my brain is broke and I have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality or fiction from truth and reality, I guess!

1 Like
2

I used to think I was gifted also in someways. Creatively. Gifted with reasoning. Gifted with a slight musical ability. my dad is showing me the reality of life. That it is not a fantasy. And he has achieved all of what I fantasize about. But rather than saying I am gifted. Sometimes I just say it’s just amazing to see what a gift life is. My dad isn’t showing me all the things I can’t do in life. He is showing me all my fantasies can actually become lived out realities. He tells me I have a mental illness. But he is showing me through responsibility there’s nothing out of the ordinary I shouldn’t really be continuing to strive for. He constantly challenges me and breaks me down and I say some very outrageous things. But I see what’s actually happening as I’m recovering and being built up and excepting the challenge. It’s not exact but kind of like when you break down your muscles and then they recover they are actually stronger.

1 Like
3

I tend to agree. I think actions (accomplishments) speak louder than words though. I have limited accomplishments or none since I’ve gotten sick though. Each to their own, I guess. I’m hoping to get a part time job some day or work in IT like tech support or maybe a help desk at home or something. I’m very limited.

I never was screened for the gifted program (IQ above 130) but I got placed into AP and honors by chance in High school and it did some good for me.

I changed schools a lot, but nothing out of the ordinary or crazy. I was actually behind a lot most times.

My goal is to learn quantum mechanics before I die some day and get a job or career going. I wanted to be an entrepreneur or investment banker before I got sick, but it turned out to be a dud lol. It never happened. I get triggered just by thinking about it now.

1 Like
4

Money is important for me too.

1 Like
5

I never graduated college obviously, but was thinking about CS major from WGU. It’s ABET certified and affordable with financial aid. They cover robotics and AI. It would be a long term goal…very long term goal…like a bucket list sort of thing…haha…

1 Like
6

I really hear what you’re saying. I just remind myself of my situation. I am not being punished. Nothing is intentionally deceiving me or controlling me. Nothing is against me personally or after me for any reason. My life is mine. And whatever I want to accomplish or have thought of accomplishing is still out there for me in some way.

1 Like
7

I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, AND borderline personality disorder (they say it’s cuz i do so much self harm) and I’d rather be sza all day long when it comes to the stigma i get from healthcare providers. I get better care when I’m psychotic and delusional than i do when I’ve been hurting myself. I just don’t understand it…

1 Like
8

Did you have temper tantrums growing up as a kid? Just wondering…I did…

9

I’ve been told before I’m a ‘complicated patient’ or ‘hard to deal with’ before. I was never satisfied with my diagnosis especially early on.

I thought I had derealization or depersonalization disorder because of the 24/7 chronic and severe dissociation.

I never engaged in self harm behavior. I’m pretty peaceful too.

I’ve felt depressed and suicidal in the distant past because of hopelessness and paranoia and despair but those days are mostly gone now. I’m just numb and distant.

I do feel empty though and tired and drained and depleted of energy and dead inside to some degree sometimes.

I drink caffeine excessively.

I wonder if my Asperger’s Diagnosis was a misdiagnosis. My current psychiatrist said schizophrenia can act like autism or mimic it.

10

This topic was automatically closed 7 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.