I think it’s obvious.Yes! All of us on here started off (I’m assuming) being psychotic. Most of us (again, I’m assuming) have been hospitalized. Many of us (I know) have later: got jobs, gone to school, some have kids, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends. I wouldn’t say having schizophrenia is failure because it is a diagnosable disease that we didn’t bring on ourselves and our symptoms are often not under our control by it’s nature. BUT… if you say, 'Have you ever been DOWN in life, and then changed your life for the better and accomplished something".?.. Well that is basically the same question. I’ll repeat: We are NOT failures, but many of us have been down and out but we still accomplished something.
I’ve worked, albeit mostly part-time since 1983. I’ve had about 16 or 17 different jobs. I’ve gotten fired from about half of them. That could seem like failure. But I’ve come back and gotten new jobs and even stayed years at them. Despite my employment history I have been at my current janitor job for four years and counting. I am taking classes now but I had a gap of 15 YEARS between going to school. When I was 18 or 19 before I got sick, I took it for granted that I would eventually get married, maybe even have kids. I just vaguely assumed that. And get a good-paying job. Well, at 53 I will probably never get married and have kids and it doesn’t bother me. I can work, live on my own, take classes, see my sisters and mom, and I had two people invite me out to coffee or whatever recently. That’s MY adjustment.
I don’t have any friends. This world scares me. I have ideas for the future but they seem so out of reach. I keep holding on to hope that things will get better. This disease has been a blessing and a curse, as many would say. Basically the only thing standing between true happiness and desolation is money, lots of money. I don’t have to wake up in the morning to go somewhere to pay my rent, my disability benefits allow me some maneuverability but it’s not nearly enough, for the rest I depend on my parents.
My best friend became really mean to me, I had to break contact because he was making my life miserable. I have trouble connecting with other people. I want to move places. I want more out of this life. I want to have my innocence and being free-spirited like when I was a teen and child. But in all of this, I have some luck, and I won’t deny that, it’s just a matter of expecting more from life, and I think that’s natural when you are not fully independent, don’t drive a car, have rocky relationships and no spouse.
My dream right now is to study Arts and Science at University, those are two fields that I’m akin for. Disability office won’t allow full time studies so I have to get a loan and bursary. If I could become something, just something to show the people who abandoned me or didn’t believe in me just how I’ve succeeded, it would be a sweet revenge. If my face was in newspapers with “New discovery made by…” or at the helm of a movie production.
In truth I’m tired of people and their shenanigans, I’ve lost faith in being around other Humans, I’m better off alone, maybe I’m the problem, maybe some see how they can take advantage of me because I’m too sensible. People are predators. But oh well, I have a spacious, cozy place, I’m often bored but many things make me happy, a cup of coffee, good music, dreaming. I’m not being credited for anything I do it seems. People avoid me like the plague or try to terrorize me. I feel safe online but I don’t mingle too much so in that way I stay in retreat and don’t like to attract attention. I’ve written a lot, time to reflect on the Future and keep faith alive.
Holding a job is possible for me,having a relationship,having kids seems pretty not possible…I hope I can lead a less stressful life so I won’t have sz symptoms
Failure in the real world; success in my own.
If I could sit + write + hold something long together, I think I could write publishable things. And maybe something big with time. I know I have a way with words that is unique.
Then I would be successful in both worlds. But I’m over 60. Time is ticking.
You are doing great, 77nick77.
I start seeing physical objects in detail while slowly losing attention from ideas and my own thoughts.
The feeling is like I am learning to control my arm and hand again for handling objects despite being able to do so from the inside for many years before. And I am quite happy for not being trapped in my own world any longer.