I'm a failure

I just feel like a failure. This disease has taken me over. I don’t feel like myself. I used to be so smart and accomplished. Now I just barely get by financially and mentally. My cousin today was telling me she’s started school for forensics and said hopefully if she gets a job in her field she’ll be making 60k or more. I’m not jealous or envious but I want more out of life but I don’t feel with my illness that I can do better. I feel like my life is over. I don’t know what to do, I’m feeling so down and out.
Some history about me is I’m 34 years old and was initially diagnosed as bipolar at about 26. I had everything going for me. I was a homeowner at 20. I had a great career and I was engaged. Then the illness kicked in and I lost everything. My house my car my fiancée and my job. I ended up twice in a mental institution. I never thought I would get a home again but I did. I got a new job ( not making as much as I did ) and an apartment. I was out for a manic episode too long and lost that job and my apartment. I had it ruff but some of my family stuck by me and I moved in with them with my child. I tried to get disability but they denied me. After 2 tries at disability I went to get a job again because I needed money for myself and my child. I found the job I’m on now and have been on for the past 3 years. The pay is crappy but it’s an ok company to work for. I got on public housing because I couldn’t afford a traditional apartment and I hate it. My life has been horrible after my diagnosis and on top of that 4 years ago I was diagnosed as schizoaffective because I started hearing voices. I just want a better life…

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you’re not a failure, you just had a lot of loss because of your illness. I too lost a career in architecture. I never owned a home prior to getting sick though. Good for you! (even if you don’t have it anymore that is an accomplishment!) Please try to find peace and find hope in something in life. I feel for you really.

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I appreciate it @jukebox. Yes I have had a lot of loss I was crying while typing. I never really told anyone (except my family because they lived it with me), not even my therapist. I feel a little better getting it out. I’m usually a positive person but I see everyone around me getting promoted, going back to school etc and I feel stuck.

It’s not an easy road recovering in baby steps from a disease as vast as schizophrenia. Give yourself some time to see the beauty in the world? Maybe take a walk where there are flowers or talk to a friend? I hope you have someone to talk to.

I’m going to try that. I have my aunt I talk to she’s really positive and understanding but she doesn’t know exactly what I have. I never told her I’m schizoaffective.

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I’m open about my diagnosis with my family. I wish you the best.

try not to be so hard on yourself brea. you can still have all those things. all you need to be to get those things is stable and if you’re on the right meds that’s a possibility. it doesn’t have to mean the end of your dreams at all. look at all the people on here that have published books, some have businesses. some are getting phd’s. not everybody is trapped in a downward spiral. we all find some things difficult. look at sith. can’t shower more than every two weeks yet is self employed and is not on any meds at all, hallucinates all the time yet manages to work everyday in his own field. now that’s a true achievement. we are all in the same boat yet some do better than others and believe me, the hardest job you will ever do is raise your child. i know because i have two of my own, i don’t work right now but if i did it would be my own business. you can achieve whatever you’re capable of. and right now you’re in the perfect conditions to try to do that. public sector housing may not be all it’s cracked up to be but it’s a cushion provided by the government so use it as a springboard. you can always try again when you’re ready. failure to me is just another opportunity to succeed. get stable and go for it!

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Thank you @jaynebeal it’s just so hard with this illness. I’m thinking maybe with the right meds I can be better but it’s not working out with any of them. They’re so many side effects with them. Saphris worked well but I gained so much weight I couldn’t stay on it ( I’m slowly getting off it now). This invega is ok but I feel mentally slow. It’s hard.

no one is a failure, the accumulation of wealth is not an indication of a person’s worth, nor whether they are married or have 5000 friends !?!
i look at how kind someone is, if they are kind they have reached the pinacle of their human potential…
take care :alien:

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I agree. You aren’t a failure, you just have a legitimate illness. It’s not anything you did that caused your losses. It’s not your fault. It’s like blaming a cancer patient for losing his/her hair. It’s not their fault. You may never get ALL that stuff back but many of us get a little something out of life. Sad to say this is an illness measured by years, not months. Sometimes it takes years to recover. Meanwhile, keep plugging along, doing the best that you can.

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Part of the illness is fighting the illness. When you bump heads with it and fight what you can’t control, you feed it your energy and emotions. It’s a long road to recovery, but one of the first parts is acceptance of your illness and finding ways to cope with it. Don’t be so hard on yourself, experience and learn everyday. “Embrace the suck” as I’ve heard. Simple, not easy.

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I was thinking today that I am at the age where I should have grandchildren. I fantasized about having raised children and being a proud dad of grown children. I guess the best thing is for me to blame the illness.

This illness of ours can cause all kinds of problems, we may feel that we have failed, in my life I have made many mistakes, but so what?

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its very frustrating isn’t it wed be veryn different people if we weren’t sick. but I sort of say for a schizophrenic im an A grade student know what I mean?

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Have you ever heard of “Evolution’s It Girl” Margie Profet? I have. I love Profet’s Mind. Love the way she Handled Herself when she interacted with her peers. Love the way she Communicated. Love Her Ideas. I hate that she faced Danger Alone. I hate that she fell through the Cracks. I hate that she ended up miles away from home–homeless. I am Pleased that she was found. I raise my hands up that she is Safe now.

Margie Profet has never been a failure and neither have you.

Any individual who does not experience a mental illness may be a failure in their most qualified position if their attitude is that of a failing nature.

Right Now there are advantages to take to become informed about. Look at the INTECH 2012 article by James Lake: The Future of Mental Health Care Toward an Integrative Paradigm. The quoted section is from the Introduction. The whole article is Worth Discussing but Section 5 can lead to all types of new discussions—discussions that never induce a tone of failure. The title of Section 5 is Important advances are taking place in the theory and practice of psychiatry.

Treatment protocols incorporating validated mind-body and energy therapies will become widely used preventive therapies for maintaining optimal mental functioning in healthy populations and will be more frequently “prescribed” for the treatment of depression, anxiety, psychosis and other mental health problems. Following a brief overview of the perspectives and limitations of biomedical psychiatry, emerging paradigms in the basic sciences and medicine that are changing the way we think about and treat mental illness are concisely described.

If James Lake is on the right tract, as his research leads him to be, new experiences are on the horizon.

http://cdn.intechopen.com/pdfs-wm/25964.pdf

The Virtual Reality Exposure Therapy sounds interesting (pg 460 - 461). I wonder how far they can go with that?
The BCI - brain computer interface has its pros and cons. It’s already used in more ways than we are led to believe. Must remember also that some computer brains are programmed to learn from you, so that should be considered.