my schizophrenia story
after jogging my daily 4 kilometers and later in the night lifting weights for 1 hour i was sitting in front of the computer and reading some stuff and watching youtube videos about some religious context. then suddenly out of the blue (as if somebody grabbed me and threw me around) i felt some sort of presence and it burned , like some sort of mark or spot, on my forehead/head. then the door shut right after 1 second after this experience. i looked at the screen and saw the face of jesus. then i began to know that this world is not random but is “guided/directed”. had alot of weird beliefs after that the next and they all got fed by the stuff i would hear and understand the people around me would say. couldnt sleep the night after “schizophrenia” kicked in, couldnt sleep the next night, couldnt sleep the night after the next night. believed that jesus chose me to bring about the end of the world or whatever. so i screamed with all of my voice that jesus is the lord and our redeemer. because i believed i was chosen to do so (one doesnt even get to think after having had such incredible experiences, one just does what is “right”). felt absolutely weird the entire time as if somebody turned off half of my bodily functions and emotions. couldnt feel any satisfaction from food or having that feeling of being “full” after a meal. i actually , before the schizophrenic forehead burning and door shutting was training for the military and was about to move to my brother in order to apply for military there but this ■■■■ kicked in and ruined basically everything. so when i was thinking i was chosen to bring about the end of the world, at 6 o’clock, (1 day and 1 night after the schizophrenic experience) the police came with the ambulance and they grabbed me put me in cuffs and send me directly to the hospital/psych ward. they thought i was on drugs the entire time. but nope i havent taken drugs in like 5 years. it all came out of the blue for no reason whatsoever. none, absolutely 0%, of my relatives had mental illnesses of any kind. diabetes? yes. depression? 1. alcoholism? 1. but for the large rest they had absolutely normal lives. so i was in hospital having really bizzare delusions of god. i actually thought that god walked in the psych ward (he was a small guy with white hair and a full white beard) i asked him about hell and he told me that hell is eternal. i also believed at that time that i need to convert people to jesus or i will fail and will therefore burn in hell. then some guy (the main doctor, who is responsible for the entire psych sector) asked me to talk to him and he appeared to me to be the holy ghost. he had , “coincidence” i guess, a suit with a tie with white doves all over it (christians portray the holy spirit as a dove). he asked me a bunch of question about my religion and whatnot. everybody who met this doctor said he was so amazing and so nice, which further gave me the delusion of him being the holy ghost. then after laying for like 3 more months there, suffering from bad mood and bad emotion the entire time, i had delusions of my fellow patients being demons and these patient were quite ugly and smoked alot also used to talk about grilling meat, giving me the delusion of them being demons who go to hell on their days off, when nobody sees them, and grill human souls in the smoke and hellfire. then some guy called me to talk to him and he had “snake eyes/ cat eyes” the vertical slit pupil, and i suddenly realized that he was satan himself and i had some sort of delusion that i need to follow satan then i behaved strangely and the nurses put me into a monitored room and tied me to the bed. there, “coincidence” again, a young guy with long hair and a beard, looking like jesus, lied in bed. he was wounded on the head and accused me of having had hurt him. he talked some weird things about how he believes he is god himself. he was a cool guy but also threatened me of some sort of consequences if i dont do the right thing. i constantly tried to convert people all of them reacted, as one would expect, with displeasement and ran away from me. so i was stuck with the terror of hell because nobody believed and i was a failure. i was delusional for 7 months and had constantly a bizzare understanding of what people were saying around me. then i got better and the delusions became less and less and i stopped believing in hell altogether. but i started to hear voices from then on talking weird insulting stuff to me. they(the voices) also basically ruined all of my previous christian believes about jesus and god. they basically said “i am not jesus”. and they made fun of jesus from time to time but nothing serious. continued to feel like ■■■■ after being released from hospital and voices would constantly insult me. then all of a sudden few days after christmas the feeling of being “full” after a meal returned and i could even be filled from drinking water. this is the first thing i did actually. so for almost 1 year i went through the day never feeling anything after eating. i was totally numb. this numbness also was felt emotionally - i had no emotions at all. i had no motivations or ambitions - at all. it went on like this well over a year and only a couple of months ago came somewhat back. as of now i almost hear no voices. there were even days where i havent heard one odd thing. so basically a days without voices. but they still are there and didnt go away fully. one hears them from time to time. so yeah after all of this crazy ■■■■■■ up ■■■■ it seems as if i am returning back to some sort of old routine although i cant see myself preparing for the military at all since ive gained around 40kg of fat since the schizophrenia. but i think ill start jogging soon, not feeling in the mood as of yet. still am hoping for some sort of “supernatural” event where the total normality of life comes back and where one isnt afraid of delusions and these ■■■■■■ up “coincidences” anymore. where one can walk outside and not hear voices from other people or misunderstand them. yeah, thats my story. thanks for reading, i guess.
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