A few weeks ago I admitted myself to a place called River Edge. I had to lie to say I was detoxing just to get in-patient treatment for what I feared was schizophrenia. It is in every generation except my mother. I begged to be admitted after my episodes becoming an every day occurrence. Seeing, hearing, and feeling things that aren’t there. After being started on a low dose of risperdal, I lied and said i hallucinated less just to get out on my scheduled date. The help there is non-existant. (on another note they nearly starved me by feeding me mainly green beans and sometimes a beef patty bc I am gluten and lactose intolerant).
I was there for a full week, locked inside with all us other unwell people and those detoxing. After a long week of poor care for patients, and being denied my anxiety meds a few times, they finally diagnosed me with sever bipolar disorder, severe anxiety disorder, psychosocial disorder, with psychotic features. When I first got there they diagnosed me with schizophrenia, but then changed it to all those I previously listed.
I am currently on 1 mg of risperdal, once a day. Along with an anxiety med every 12 hours, and a depression med at bedtime.
I still hallucinate constantly. It is making me hate living. It is very very upsetting.
My hallucinations include:
-being tugged on and pushed by things that aren’t there
-seeing things shift to every color possible one at a time
-seeing things and a color they obviously aren’t
-floors, walls, and everything else move, and breathe, like a water bed.
-beeping or music
-voices, whispers, and screaming
-shadowy figured
-and plain old paranoia
I have been on y meds for less than a month probably, but shouldn’t they help at least a little?
I am tired of losing grip on reality, I would do anything to make the hallucinations stop. I am desperate. With my physical health being very horrible bc of many conditions, as well as all my mental ones, this is too much to handle. Is stress making it worse? When will it get better?
It’s strange that they changed your dx from sz to that long list.
Do you do drugs? Your hallucinations sound very similar to an acid trip, especially the walls breathing and changing color.
Are you seeing a pdoc? You must be honest with them else they really can’t help you much. It could take years to get on the right combo of meds. But it’s best to get started asap so you can get back to having a normal life.
I tried acid in the past. But have been drug free for a long time now. I will tell them at my follow up that the meds don’t seem to be working. I hope they up the dose of the risperdal.
I had been hallucinating a little bit since child hood, but never really thought much of it. (Tugging on my clothes, baby dolls moving) I had panic attacks as a kid bc of it. I remember the first time I recall seeing colors change was a few years ago. I started hearing voices when I quit drinking this year. I am wondering if I was unaware of how much I really hallucinated before i stopped drinking.
1mg of risperdal doesn’t sound like a very high dose… I have been on 3mg for a very long time with a max of 4mg in the past. Unfortunately you may have to do some experimenting on your own to see what helps in addition to meds. Fear feeds symptoms and symptoms feed fear so try to find ways to feel secure as much as possible.
Our imaginations usually conjure up material usually based on the mood we are in… If we feel we are in danger then the imagination will usually offer guesses supporting that assumption. The imagination is not unbiased and will guess what you see is a danger if you feel insecure. It will also try to assign meaning to noise or fill in incomplete information but it usually doesn’t do it independently of your arousal state. If you feel worried about your general health that won’t help you feel safe so it might be good to talk with a therapist about how to handle that anxiety.
Another thing that might help is to avoid using emotionally intense language when describing your illness to others… It is very uncomfortable but sometimes using dramatic language just makes things seem worse and can also alienate you from normals because they can’t empathize or relate to your distress. (I say this in kindness because it’s something I have to be careful with myself when I am upset)
It sounds to me like they’re just going through the motions with you because of a lack of resources. See if you can see a therapist on an outpatient basis. Maybe then they can experiment with your med’s to take care of your hallucinations. Be assertive. If you let them push you aside you might not get the care you need.