My life has been turned upside down in three months

DX'd - Sz/SzA
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Hi. I used to post here under a different name a while back.

While I know we’re all dealing with or own issues, I needed to have a place to just spill of this. My family has been tremendously supportive through everything that’s happened, but I feel as though I can’t tell them how low I’m feeling for fear of losing what I’ve finally rebuilt with them.

This past year has been the worst and hardest of my life. It’s been worse than when my schizophrenia controlled onset and I was completely unable to cope with real life. My fiancé left me, without even telling, with my money, right before rent and utilities were due. I pulled that together, like a champ (sad and angry champ- sheesh). Then right before Christmas, I lost the job that I had been at for four years before I had purchased any gifts for my son. I pulled that together too, because damn if some bad luck is going to stop me. THEN, my sons behavior took a turn for the worse. He started displaying symptoms of a social/emotional disorder and began acting out tremendously. A few weeks later? My moms health took a nose dive. A month or two later she died. I held her hand and witnessed the ugliness that is death. Two weeks later, our new apartment fell through. Now the landlord is is trying to hold me responsible for a mess of things that aren’t fair or my doing. Beyond that, my depression has just absolutely taken over me. I have no energy to keep fighting. I’ve been a half assed, maybe even bad mother. I can’t catch up with my responsibilities, I can’t wake up on time, I can’t put on a smile, I can’t do family functions. I’m just destroyed and feel like I’m a waste.

I don’t even know how to handle all of this. I miss my mom, I was a terrible daughter to her. I’m not just saying that either. I was terrible. This is all so overwhelming and I don’t know how to begin to start recovering again. I’m scared for myself, I’m scared I’m going to ruin my son, I’m scared I’m going to lose everything that I’ve worked so hard for.

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Remember that there is nothing stable in human
affairs; therefore avoid undue elation in prosperity; or undue
depression in adversity.
~Socrates

That’s one of my favorite quotes I always try to remember.

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You might have to come clean with the rest of your family about how you’re finding things difficult, and ask for their help.

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my family is very big, so gossip flies through and evolves as it goes. I’m very afraid that me asking for extra support and coming clean about all of my feelings and behaviors will cause to them to think that they need to take my child and commit me. Or that they’ll begin doubting things about me that don’t need to be doubted. Does that make sense? I really don’t want them to start talking to me and treating me like I’m stupid again. I love them very much, but sometimes that can be ignorant to what it means to have schizophrenia. I’ve finally broken through the stereotype and they finally look at me as smart, strong, and an adult.

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Smart, strong adults know when to ask for help. Maybe you just need to think about how to go about it?

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Maybe you’re right. Thank you.

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I don’t hear anything that makes you sound weak or messed-up. You sound like an amazingly strong and capable individual. I’m so so sorry for the loss of your mom! When my mom passed, it felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me. That alone is hard to cope with, but you’ve had so much! Your family must have some kind, caring and reasonable members? People who could never blame you for reeling under the pain of so much loss. Ask them for help. :heart:️

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My family is wonderful. They really are. I think I’ll talk to them. Maybe I’m being the judgmental one.

Thank you. It’s funny how grief can hide for a while and then just t bone you when you don’t expect it.

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My heart goes out to you. It’s hard to keep standing up each day and to keep walking forward. Sometimes it’s even harder to sit down and rest and let someone help. I know the fear of never getting up again, but resting and getting help isn’t the same as giving up. Your son is lucky to have a mom who cares so much about being a good mom.

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Affirm yourself this, “Even though I feel my symptoms are controlling me, I will not allow them to control my ambitions nor destiny.” Mention this to yourself as if it was a prayer. You WILL.

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You are doing really well even though it doesn’t feel like it.

You have had more than your fair share to contend with and I hope things get better for you soon.

It’s ok to ask for help.

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Do you know if you are eligible for any kind of aid from the department of human services - like food stamps and assistance with the rent? If you can get that kind of assistance maybe you could work part time until you’re more on your feet. Do you have a caseworker? He or she could be of help. You can always vent here. People can empathize. I’m a male, but I was terrible to my mother too.

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I don’t think that’s what I want in my heart of hearts. Idle time increases my symptoms and I’m not having trouble with working, just getting my butt out of bed.

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I’m sorry that you’re going through all this. I have had paranoid schizophrenia for 35 years. I went through some sh*t too about six months ago.

In the space of two weeks I lost my mom too, I lost my housing, I had to quit college midway through a class, I had to take a 2 month leave from work without pay, I was also experiencing disabling back pain, I was not allowed to drive my car, and I was hospitalized in the psyche ward for two days for being suicidal after staying out of the hospital for the last 25 years.

The people on this forum were instrumental to me in me getting my life back. Seriously. If anyone tries to say that internet support forums are useless and not helpful, than they are dead wrong. I posted my troubles on here and got extremely kind and empathetic, caring encouragement.

When I was depressed I came on here every day and read I those posts and it buoyed my spirits and gave me my hope back, and gave me confidence to start over. I had other help too from my family but the support and encouragement from some great human beings on this site and their faith in me was a huge part of getting some of life back and they should be proud of themselves for their help and they should let themserlves feel good inside.

Now it’s six months later after my fall. I have been back at my job for 5 months now. I have fairly good housing, I am missing my mom, but the grief has gotten a little better. My car is fantastic, I get out almost everyday, I take care of most by own business, and I am friendly with my fellow tenants where I live.

It sounds like you are struggling a little more than I was in some ways and even though my situation was dead serious it sounds like you have it worse.

I’m just trying to show you with my story that it is possible to get through these things that happen to us. I can’t make your pain and depression go away but I hope this helps to give you some hope and I hope it helps and relieves some of your suffering. You can survive this. You will survive this. It is not hopeless.

Just try to let others help you and try to help yourself. You do not need to go through this alone. There are kind, empathetic people out there who want to help you.

Other people have suffered as much or more than us and they have come out the other end I know you can’t really compare suffering, because to anyone in the world. their own suffering seem impossibly bad to the individual at the time. But believe me, some people in this world (as you well know) have gone through some impossibly bad hardships in their lives and the odds that they would survive were astronomicaly bad. Worse than ours. But they survived, and you can too. I wish you good luck. Take care.

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It’s all right for you to open to your family. You should overcome your fears about this. Once you do this, you will feel a tremendous amount of relief. As for your present state of mind, bad things arise for a reason and pass out of one’s life. You might look for an upswing in all of this soon. Live day to day. That’s all that is required of us at this point.

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Wow. Big hugs to you. I suggest you talk to social services and explain your hard times. More big hugs

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