I am often closed to feeling. I primarily feel anger and determination. Self hatred doused in discipline and then saturated with science.
The thing is, I know the way I think and feel is pathological but it gets results which may translate into helping people beyond just friends and people on here like I do now.
I’ve always been rather emotionally numb due to trauma and then scz made it worse. I find rational thought to be my thing. Science, psychology. Research. Empirical inquiry. Medications. Exercise. Nutrition. Skepticism.
Not much of a touchy feely person. I flip that switch on with other mentally ill people. I feel a surge of empathy for us. I just exclude myself because I…I’m ■■■■■■ up. I am supposed to suffer and live in pain because otherwise I would be in a graveyard or prison. I just don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel like wanting to be a S.E.A.L. was the end of feeling sorry for myself. That happened when I was a boy, not even an adolescent.
In a way I begged for pain to make me stronger. I just got served the pain they don’t have on the menu, the fanciest dishes aren’t on the menu.