I texted my keyboard instructor to complain about the quality of my playing and told him I was ready to quit today.
He was having none of it. He even sounded like he was a bit pissed off. He said that I wasn’t using proper recording equipment. He said I was playing slowly so I could count. He said that despite his repeated requests, I wouldn’t practice on my acoustic piano. (He doesn’t know I got rid of it). And most of all, he pointed an accusatory finger at my Risperdal Consta shots and ordered me to get off of it, like he had to himself. (He was once diagnosed bipolar.)
I see my new doctor in mid May. Although she’s not a pdoc, she’s a psychopharmacologist, which is even better. I will talk to her about titrating down off the shots and switching to the pills. I was alright headwise and piano wise on the pills.
Are you not enjoying it anymore?
I never did enjoy it because it was a struggle, but knowing that I’m not improving over 15 year period is very frustrating and disturbing.
I actually think you have improved but lack self esteem. I would listen to your teacher about whether or not you’ve improved
This is how I’ve improved:
I’ve gone from:
Hopeless Loser to
Dismal Failure to
I think you’re just being too hard on yourself
I agree that a lot of it might be due to my low self esteem. Or better yet my complete lack of confidence in myself and feelings of failure.
@SkinnyMe every musician I feel unless they are a professional musician feels down about how they play…you seem to enjoy it and talk of it all the time? did you lose heart? well I hope you going on pills fixes the downer of it all for you…you are a good person…I know…
Try not to be to hard on yourself @SkinnyMe . I think that what matters at the end of the day is are you having fun? If you’re not, it may not be the best hobby for you.
Kurt Vonnegut’s quote strikes a chord:
“When I was 15, I spent a month working on an archeological dig. I was talking to one of the archeologists one day during our lunch break and he asked those kinds of ‘getting to know you’ questions you ask young people: Do you play sports? What’s your favorite subject? And I told him, no I don’t play any sports. I do theater, I’m in choir, I play the violin and piano, I used to take art classes.
“And he went wow . That’s amazing! And I said, ‘Oh no, but I’m not any good at any of them.’
“And he said something then that I will never forget and which absolutely blew my mind because no one had ever said anything like it to me before: ‘I don’t think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you’ve got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them.’
“And that honestly changed my life. Because I went from a failure, someone who hadn’t been talented enough at anything to excel, to someone who did things because I enjoyed them. I had been raised in such an achievement-oriented environment, so inundated with the myth of Talent, that I thought it was only worth doing things if you could ‘win’ at them.”
Hope it helps…
@ThePickinSkunk that was great man…thanks…
You might benefit from music therapy actually… I haven’t done much of it myself but what little I did, I felt freer when it comes to writing music and now I can finish songs without letting perfectionism get in the way. Might be worth checking into?
Thank you, @jukebox for saying that.
@labratmat , you’re right. My father was a very achievement oriented person. His goal in life, and constant obsession was to somehow make 2 million dollars. He was crazy so, of course he never achieved it. So he was my example of an incredible loser.
My mother was an athlete. She ran in long distance marathons, and entered triathlons well into her late 70’s. Always winning in her age category.
Toward the end of her life, she had done bungee jumping, mountain climbing, snowsled racing, and parachuting all in her mid 70’s.
Mom was all about succeeding and winning, And win she did. Lots of medals, trophies and ribbons over the years.
This all taught me that I couldn’t be like my dad and I had to be like mom and succeed at all costs.
And that’s why I am so hard on myself.
You have recognised this inside of yourself, You understand why you feel the way you do, so upon this acceptance you can transform yourself. Meditate upon this need to achieve and let go of it.
Play music because you love doing it, not because you have to be the best at it.
I don’t have anything to say about the quality of your playing but being told that you should get off the Consta seems a little overbearing on your teacher’s part.
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