More reflection; Effect of Depression on Psychosis

[Anna]

I’ve been really weird lately. I don’t know what I’d call it. It feels like grief more than depression to be honest. Like heart-shattering grief. I feel like it’s largely due to my realization that there is a very small chance I ever had a real relationship with God and it was merely a voice in my head who eventually became very abusive, and it’s a long story, but anyways I’m finally done with it for good and this is a HUGE loss for me, it’s a BIG DEAL. And on top of that all this other stressful, sad stuff is happening. So I’m in a kind of nightmare place right now where I can hardly even look people in the eye without bursting into tears.

It’s had a very curious effect on my psychosis. I was in a psychotic episode, until all the bad stuff happened and I went into grief mode. Almost all of my positive voices vanished entirely. I have not been experiencing any delusions. I have been completely incapable of sleeping at night, despite not being paranoid, and when I do sleep I either don’t dream or have very mundane, brief ones that I don’t remember.

All of that is deeply atypical for me. I just think it’s fascinating to see how my psychosis interacts with different mental states. When I have high anxiety, as I did last week, it flares up and becomes very scary and intense. When in this grieving, very emotionally upset state I’m in now it seems to move to the back burner and almost disappear.

I’m serious this is so weird. I’m sobbing all over the place, really messed up, and my psychosis is just…gone? Like I can barely hear Azriel. Barely. I have to really focus, and he’s the only one I can still hear or even feel right now, no one else. This is incredibly bizarre.

I wish I was aware of my psychosis when I was in middle school, when I was truly depressed. Then I could have studied how the two interacted. For now I’ve found that grief almost KILLS my inner world. Sure I have no paranoia now, but all the good things are utterly gone.

To anybody with comorbidity of illnesses or just anyone who’s been in strong emotional states, have you noticed how it affected your psychosis/episodes? It could be different with actual schizophrenia, as I merely have a psychotic disorder. This kind of thing fascinates me deeply.

[darksith]

my brain is mush at the moment, so here is a ( it’s a rabbit ) to cheer you up…
…oh yeah and a , two things that make me smile.
i am 4 going on 46…
take care from the

[Anna]

Hahaha oh you. Thanks for your support! My brains kinda mushy too , heh.

[SurprisedJ]

There have a been a few times where my episodes were not dark and scary and crushing…

They were euphoric and enlightening and filled with epiphanies. I was one with the entire universe and a pure Zen life with the ability to heal sorrow was my reward. My heart was wide open to love and empathy. I wanted to look everyone in the world… in the eyes and maybe give them a hug and heal all sorrow and pain.

When I was pulled out of that… when something happened and it all vanished… it took me a long time to come to grips with that loss. That was depression. Sorrow… emptiness… confusion.

A lot of people from my support group have never seemed to feel a euphoric episode. For them it was all deep fears… and isolation.

I myself have wondered… was I depressed because I lost that euphoric spot… or did a depression creep in and take it away from me?

Actually… I now think… I was sliding into my negative wax build-up and that is why the euphoria left me.

I do hope you feel better soon and it’s hard… but take it one day at time… If you end up crying… that is OK. You’ve been through a very huge change.

It’s not easy coming out of this with out some feeling of… “what in the world is happening”

Good luck and I’m rooting for you.