This is something I have heard people mention but don’t really know what it is. I know for me, I am happy that my psychotic symptoms have seemed to really mellow out and that I have not had any episodes for over a year now. However I am also sad. I often think about how during my episodes despite the often intense fear and suffering, there was such powerful excitement. Excitement so strong it was like I couldn’t contain it and it was exploding out of me. Every day there was some thrilling new development in this plot my brain was making and I was always at the center of it all. I think about that aspect of it now and feel very hollow. My life feels so dull and colorless compared to what it was. It is like I’ve lost all the magic in my life.
I don’t know what the point of anything is anymore. I spend every day struggling not to fall asleep. Too tired to focus in class or on work or studying and even to do stuff I like to do. Medication did not help my focus or energy at all and actually made it worse. I’m a shell of who I used to be and I’m just going through the motions. My life is like dry toast, but dry toast that is somehow stressful.
I know what you mean. I had a very dangerous psychotic break a year ago that resulted in a suicide attempt and almost cost me my life. I was terrified and confused. I don’t want to relive that. I am also constantly paranoid that I am going to be mentally and physically tortured all for purposes of a ‘study’. It’s terrifying. I want it to stop.
On the other hand, in my delusional world, I have an amazing gift, lot’s of money, a job with purpose that I love and the world shares one belief and is training itself to be kinder and more respectful. It is better for me personally and MUCH better for the world in general. It is hard to let go of the magic.
I think I’m dealing with that right now. But then again I still get periods of euphoria
Post psychotic depression is when you face the realities that you have schizophrenia and you will have to live with the symptoms on a day to day basis for a long, long, time.
I really know what you mean. I definitely can relate to how the world is so much more colorful and magically when you experience a psychotic episode. After that the world just seem so boring and grey. It is lonely to think that I am not being monitored by people. I have Truman syndrome and when the delusions take hold of me “I am really alive then.”
A high dose SSRI has helped me a lot.
I feel that way too. There is a stage in psychology where infants have to adjust to the fact that certain things are no longer a part of them so it creates an inner tension of sorts. I think you’ll get through this but with MI sometimes time isn’t a very good friend.