I guess it’s because I haven’t had any mind altering weed or alcohol in about a week? I don’t know I was just looking at the ad at the top of the forum that says “Do you have schizophrenia?” and I thought to myself…why yes, I do have schizophrenia…and I can’t ■■■■■■■ believe it. I was supposed to be a world class architect but no. no. no. now I’m just a shmuck on disability eeking my way through life even though I arduously put myself through architecture school in the eighties. I worked hard for that degree. Damn hard. I am kind of journaling right now to get it written down so you might not want to continue reading at this point.
I mean, I don’t get it. Why does it seem we have the stinky end of the stick with this disease? 1% globally have schizophrenia. I couldn’t be like the 99% who don’t. nope. I’m in the 1 % margin of those diagnosed. ■■■■. ■■■■. ■■■■.
Now I can’t self medicate, drink or smoke cigarettes. Great. What now? What’s in this life for me to bring me through my struggles? I say Love. I have the love of my girlfriend. I have the love of my dogs. I have the love of my mother and sister and others in my family coming to see me once in a while. Is it enough? Right now, I say I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like enough. There is God. I have His Love. It’s the only real love I can continually feel even when I’m alone. God help me. Merry Christmas everyone.
I do hope you feel better. You are doing great getting your health back. It’s definitely a transition as the mind gets used to detox and breaking the habit of self medication.
I’ve met some very monetarily successful people who don’t have half the love you have. Asking… is it enough… it might not be… but it’s a great starting place. You have a lot of support to try new things and I bet a new path will open to you.
I know it’s frustrating… being in limbo… things will get moving again as you heal more.
thank you @SurprisedJ I don’t know why but I started crying from your caring words.(you too Bryan). I’m not used to life without a crutch and it scares the hell outta me. I keep telling myself not to focus on the rest of my life without a crutch. only today. One day at a time. that phrase has been beat into me from being in a 12 step program I used to attend when I was married. but it sure seems to calm me down. I would attend a 12 step program now but I don’t have the courage to go.
I completely understand how hard it feels to change a long habit so suddenly.
I can also understand how scary it is. Keep leaning on that love you have.
Even if you don’t attend a 12 step meeting just yet… there are 12 steps on the web… or a book from a 12 step program to get a feel for it… a paddle in the shallow end… before a plunge into the deep end.
there came a point where pot and alcohol was taking my money, my time, my sanity, my health… finally I came to see… it wasn’t a crutch as much as an anchor.
Take it slow and do your best. Your right… it really is one day at a time. I’m rooting for you.
Instead of thinking of all you have lost from your career, and yes, it is a huge loss I understand, look how blessed you are to have the love and support of your wife and family. A lot of mentally ill people lose the love of family because when we awe sick, they do not want to be bothered after awhile, some family find us to be too big of a burden I suppose and eventually we find ourselves alone. God will always be there for you to support you and help you from your addictions. And he is always there to carry you through the rough times.
you know it takes awhile to get used to not being stoned…at least a few weeks and it doesn’t really matter if you fall off the wagon a few times on your way to sobriety, you’ll get there simply because you want to. it really is that simple hunni. when you decide that you want to quit, you’ll quit. there may be a couple of times when you cave but they’ll get less as time goes on. believe me, once you make the final choice to stay sobre, that’s it. you’ve cracked it. you’ll get there michael. i have faith in you. x