I guess it’s because I haven’t had any mind altering weed or alcohol in about a week? I don’t know I was just looking at the ad at the top of the forum that says “Do you have schizophrenia?” and I thought to myself…why yes, I do have schizophrenia…and I can’t ■■■■■■■ believe it. I was supposed to be a world class architect but no. no. no. now I’m just a shmuck on disability eeking my way through life even though I arduously put myself through architecture school in the eighties. I worked hard for that degree. Damn hard. I am kind of journaling right now to get it written down so you might not want to continue reading at this point.
I mean, I don’t get it. Why does it seem we have the stinky end of the stick with this disease? 1% globally have schizophrenia. I couldn’t be like the 99% who don’t. nope. I’m in the 1 % margin of those diagnosed. ■■■■. ■■■■. ■■■■.
Now I can’t self medicate, drink or smoke cigarettes. Great. What now? What’s in this life for me to bring me through my struggles? I say Love. I have the love of my girlfriend. I have the love of my dogs. I have the love of my mother and sister and others in my family coming to see me once in a while. Is it enough? Right now, I say I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like enough. There is God. I have His Love. It’s the only real love I can continually feel even when I’m alone. God help me. Merry Christmas everyone.