The past few days, I have been bothered a notable amount by the fact I’m single involuntarily when it comes down to it, even though I enjoy it right now. I guess it bothers me most, because I feel a major aspect of my life is out of my control, despite I know nearly everything in the universe is out of control, especially for us humans. I’m not choosing to live the way I live and enjoying it, it’s simply chance right now that I do. I’ll be turning 30 this year, and I could be doing things socially that most 30 year olds do, except that I’ve not even known how to be socially appropriate for anything leading up to my current age, thanks to schizophrenia. For all I know, tomorrow I might end up wanting a girlfriend, despite I already learned that living with another human, is a one way ticket to booting them out of my life because I can’t stand them. I’m afraid my happiness that I’m achieving again, is just going to be fleeting and the fact I’m even concerned about this right now means I’m already questioning its authenticity. This is probably partly because I know it’s human nature to not be happy with what we have, no matter what it is.
It just dawned on me that the older I get day by day, it’s just going to be that much harder to achieve social intelligence for my age and I already have an insurmountable amount of immaturity to overcome from being socially retarded.