The past few days, I have been bothered a notable amount by the fact I’m single involuntarily when it comes down to it, even though I enjoy it right now. I guess it bothers me most, because I feel a major aspect of my life is out of my control, despite I know nearly everything in the universe is out of control, especially for us humans. I’m not choosing to live the way I live and enjoying it, it’s simply chance right now that I do. I’ll be turning 30 this year, and I could be doing things socially that most 30 year olds do, except that I’ve not even known how to be socially appropriate for anything leading up to my current age, thanks to schizophrenia. For all I know, tomorrow I might end up wanting a girlfriend, despite I already learned that living with another human, is a one way ticket to booting them out of my life because I can’t stand them. I’m afraid my happiness that I’m achieving again, is just going to be fleeting and the fact I’m even concerned about this right now means I’m already questioning its authenticity. This is probably partly because I know it’s human nature to not be happy with what we have, no matter what it is.
It just dawned on me that the older I get day by day, it’s just going to be that much harder to achieve social intelligence for my age and I already have an insurmountable amount of immaturity to overcome from being socially retarded.
I say just go with what you’re enjoying. You could be single at heart the way a lot of people are finding out, myself included. Having a relationship won’t solve all your problems, anyway. And you also have to be prepared to watch both your and your partner’s looks fade over time, something a lot of people in your demographic may not be accepting of.
I’m not thinking it will solve my problems, it’s that I can’t successfully do anything like that to begin with, if I were to want to. Plus I already got past that whole “looks fade with time” thing. My ex-wife had anorexia where she was pretty much a skeleton with skin stretched over it, and I was only bothered by it because she looked like she was going to die at any time. And I only was able to get married because the circumstances were astronomically unusual.
Its only a waste if you feel like it is. We have 3rd party interference that isnt taken into account with this where i should be by this age feeling. For example i have made 2 friends this year one is bi polar and the other is a sz. I didnt know when i met them but it gives us something else to talk about. No its not inviting the neighbors over for cards because thats what we do on sat after work.
But it seems like an accomplishment thats equally worthy of being happy over.
That’s pretty insightful schizofriendia.
I wonder what makes something socially appropriate anyway… it’d be nice to have some company sometimes, I think, and their age isn’t so important as whether it’s comfortable, at least for a while. Some ways it’s been possible for me to “catch up” is enjoying being the observer. Like watching the Warhammer game from behind the players, or grinning at the antics of the little kids learning to swim when I’m exercising at the pool.
Live-in relationships are a huge challenge. My folks always said it was essential to have their own room so they had their own private space if needed. Works for them.
As for choosing to enjoy the way I live - the way you live - the way we live, maybe that’s not so much chance. Maybe enjoyment comes from having a choice…just saying.
It’s more along the lines of, I feel like a guy in a wheelchair, who wants to run a race on his own legs rather than a wheelchair.
You still have decades left before that train leaves the station. I am 27, and I find that most people our age are currently on their first attempt. They are recently married, maybe having children, buying their first house, etc. But come their 40s, a bunch of them will be getting divorced and will be back on the scene. Then most people go through their second major relationship attempt in life. That’s the way it seems to be based on my observations.
So we’ve got about a decade to work ourselves all out, and then we can catch that second round. I would be interested in a divorced man who has children. I never want to have my own children because I don’t think I could care for them very well, plus my whole bloodline seems to be cursed with severe mental illness. But I would enjoy being a supportive step-parent quite a bit, I think. So I think things could still work out in the future.
I’m not comfortable to be around. One time this guy in a mental hospital told me, “Man, I’m afraid that if I get to close to you my head is going to explode.” I learned to enjoy being alone. It’s easier for everyone.
You sound like a good candidate for Buddhism. You can see the unsatisfactory conditions of the human life. As for socializing, I agree with Crimby. It is better if you do without it and learn to be alone. Get to know yourself. Enjoy your own company.
@Turnip I’m fine where I am now, it’s if I ever decide I want to try the other approach, I’m kinda screwed in my current circumstances.
@crimby I don’t even want to live with anyone, except my cat. All other humans I’ve lived with, can’t even respect the fact I have medical conditions that need accommodated.
@martinhersey1 I do, I’m speaking of in the future, if I want to try something new.