Welp, obviously I wasn’t really honest in my previous sort-of-a-goodbye thread. I really meant what I said but now I feel the need to explain myself more seriously.
■■■■ it, im far from being good. There i said it. But here’s the truth - no I dont suffer from delusions and/or hallucinations of any kind. I suffer and suffered long, and extremely hard depression (with BPD) And no, I shouldnt be on this forum and yes I should have gone to depression forums at the first place. But some paths have lead me here, and I met people with whom I feel comfortable to speak and so I stayed. Finding another group of internet personas who can be my diagnosis mates should be my option now - but it also shouldn’t be, since I wouldn’t feel safe and comfortable.
Over the course of few weeks my depression got worse ( the question why, as some of you know, in the case of this condition is totally unnecessary bc it got no answer) and it made me feel literally, physically and mentally EMPTY.
I cry without reason.
I dont socially engage unless I really have to.
I am nervous all the time
I dont see the meaning of living whatsoever
I deeply hate and belittle my own existence
I started yelling at my kid and react impatiently.
You won’t see this on my pictures. (Btw I just got off all my social profiles). I never show those ones where my face is swollen and my hair is dirty. Those days i hide and sleep and pitty myself.
Let me tell you: damn pills won’t help if you feel like dont want or need to fight. I raised my meds and nothing happened. I still feel sick and dead.
I just had to write this down because this is my only space for such talk. Sorry if I was being too negative. Just wanted to give you a clear picture.
I don’t know. My mentor’ s son has some form of sz and I know that, while taking his meds, he constantly battle the negative symptoms. I think that’s the area where I find the same language with you folks.
And because of the deep nature of this suffering i relate to you all and I understand. ( the magic word I wish someone could tell me in real life)
That’s rough, i have spoken to family that have bipolar and some have borderline personality disorder. They all describe a depression like yours. I still have problems with my moods. I have sza.
I can’t recall when I had a hype mood the last time. If that happened it was with the help of alcohol.
And you know this is beyond the mood. This is the state of feeling dead inside.
we know you understand. we know you suffer. no need to prove your suffering. I understand why you made this post though its ok hun. I know youre feeling down and this post helps you feel better.
I actually saw a post directed towards you about you not being here and I think that it was a joke directed at the wrong person. I cant remember the context and who but I think that poster didn’t wish you weren’t here…I think you were in the wrong place at the wrong time if that makes sense?
And sincerely i hate stupid Instagram and Facebook. They just made me jealous and always sneaking at others people supposed happiness.
Im going to try to live without it for a while.
No i’m not. BPD as borderline. If I really have a Bipolar than this must be some quite long shitty low period. Really im tired of all that symptoms picking up. Its hard and ■■■■■■ up whatever you call it.
Sorry…im going to sleep now.
Well most of us know you are way nicer than you’re giving yourself credit for. And you fit in good here. I’m a recovering crack addict but I got clean by going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Not everything fits in a perfect box. Do what makes you happy but I hope you don’t feel like you’ve been driven off of this site.
You aren’t alone there. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has some sort of flaw(s). Look at the people driving through red lights or basically just self inducing stupidity. But the last thing I would say about you or anyone is you aren’t good. I know this because I know this about myself.
Sara, if anyone is making you feel unwelcome here, just let me know. You’re a great addition to the forum. Not everyone here has psychosis, but we are a community and we take care of each other. It’s about what we have in common, not about how we are different.
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