What is it’s not actually schizophrenia? Maybe I’m only psychotic from the PTSD? Is that possible? It wouldn’t explain everything but maybe. I don’t know. I’m really confused lately. He was there, but maybe he wantwasn’t actually? Maybe he was? What if I made it all up because of the PTSD? It seems a really big coincidence that he would be there after I was already ■■■■■■ up like that yesterday. Or maybe someone put him up to it? I’m too gross for that now. It couldn’t have been real, right? And yet it was? Maybe? That’s a lot to go won’t all at once like that. But I’m done? Maybe?
I’m so confused. None of this makes sense to me. My clinician is making it worse. She wants me to normal, but writing it all down and reliving how awful it all was only makes it feel real again. But maybe that’s what she wants? She stopped talking to me. I don’t know if she’s busy or angry or just ■■■■■■■ with me. I can never tell. I’ve always suspected she was a fan of mind games.
I need to see my pdoc but he’s only in the office on Wednesdays. I need to reschedule my appointment. But then what’s the point. He’ll probably just talk really fast and confuses me more because I’m so done now because if all these meds. What if they needs are the ornaments. I didn’t look at the vial before the nurse gave me my shot last time. Foolish. I’ve become so complacent and careless. No wonder my life is falling apart.
But could it just be PTSD? Maybe I don’t need these APs after all. They’re just making me dumb for not reason.
Hopefully this makes sense. I’m really confused. I’m sorry.