I survived the appointment

The therapist turned out to not be the super religious lady I found online, it wasn’t her, I had never seen her before. I didn’t sense anything from her, I couldn’t read her at all, no emotion, no personality, no motives, nothing, which I want to think is a good thing. She asked me tons of questions and I did my best to answer, but I probably came across as high or retarded or something, because I forced myself to be honest and tell her things, but it made my anxiety so bad I could barely even think. I’m not sure what she thinks of me. She did ask me if I would be okay with taking medication, so maybe she thinks I should be on it. That’s kind of a relief because I wanted to see a psychiatrist in the first place. I told her why I don’t think I have schizophrenia, and she only argued with me a little bit, but then quickly moved on to the next question. She didn’t say she thinks I had it but just argued with me about my interpretation of schizophrenia, not sure what that is supposed to mean. But anyway I survived it, it wasn’t the religious lady from the internet, and it seems like she is okay with the idea of me taking meds.


Glad it went okay, besides the anxiety. And really glad it wasn’t the religious lady from the internet.

Why don’t you think you have sz?

Well I am normally open to the idea, but for whatever reasons while trying to talk with her, I just suddenly felt very anxious and defensive, so I started explaining to her why I don’t think I have it. The reasons being that I am often able to figure out when things are not real, and because my entities are not like what I have seen online in examples of schizophrenia, like how they whisper mean things to the person and the person hears it. My entities are inside of my head and communicate differently. To be completely honest just trying to talk about them made my anxiety so bad that I could barely think straight, so I am probably lucky if I made any sense at all. I am just relieved she seems keen on me getting on medication, at least that was my impression. My last therapist was anti-psychiatry and so I was scared that was going to happen again.

So are mine. I hear other peoples thoughts, as thoughts not as voices on the outside of me, but inside my head.

This was actually my great argument against my diagnosis at first, I kept saying “But I don’t hear voices” now I get that I actually do, just different.

Were you ever diagnosed?

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No this was just my first session with her, so I would be alarmed if she tried to diagnose me so soon.

If you mean in the past, the labels I have received before have been depression, panic attack disorder and bipolar disorder 2.

When I first came her to this site, I explained that since I have to pick a category to post, I picked “Diagnosed” because the description includes “or who think they might have schizophrenia”. I was sharing some of my experiences and trying to see if anyone diagnosed could relate to any of them.

And TBH I wound up sticking around because I like ya’ll.

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Yeah, we can’t really diagnose here, I have no idea what your symptoms are, I might have read but forgot, my memory is crap.

I meant before :smile: Well, it can be your bipolar with psychotic features, we have @Bipolar_Bear he hangs around here sometimes. It’s what he has.

Yeah, of course she won’t diagnose you right away. But did you like her? I instantly liked my therapist.

Speaking of @Bipolar_Bear where you at man?

Yeah for sure, I wouldn’t expect people to diagnose me over the internet. I just often feel so desperate for answers that I will investigate in any way that I can. I have wondered if it could be bipolar after all, it’s just that I never experience mania. The lady who diagnosed me as bipolar 2 also only saw me for a month before deciding, and her reasoning was because I get insomnia, and she said that meant I was manic. I didn’t really have faith in her diagnosis, but I don’t completely discard it because I can relate to things I have read about psychotic depression, a least. Not sure if I like her or not, I could not read her at all, and I hardly looked at her because I was afraid her face look messed up. When I get very anxious, sometimes people’s faces start changing and look screwed up, and I didn’t want to see it. I am willing to see her again, I didn’t dislike anything about her.

Do you consider possible you were manic but didn’t realize it? Happens to me a lot, I mistake it for normal. It took a while for me to be able to identify my episodes. Whats mania, what’s normal, what’s depressive, what’s negative symptoms. And my mania isn’t very strong, just mild enthusiasm not complete euphoria.

Yeah sure it is possible. But when I read about mania, it sounds unfamiliar to me. People having so much energy, grandiose feelings, trying to get lots of things done, euphoria, etc. I never experience those types of things. I do get wicked insomnia often, though. I guess it could be mania, if it was mania with a really dark twist, like paranoia, being harassed by entities, depressed feelings, not showering for weeks and so on. Maybe something like a type of “mixed state” that I have read about it. But from what I have read, both would be treated with the same type of medication, so either label if fine with me as long as I can get some drugs to shut it off.

Yeah, same thing about the label here, I don’t really care what diagnosis I have as long as the meds work.

You seem reasonable and on top of things.

Thanks. If nothing else, my tendency to obsessively analyze everything half to death has served me well when dealing with certain types of things.

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That’s really strange. Insomnia is a common symptom of depression. I hope she had more to base her diagnosis on than that.

I know what you mean by a dark twist. I call those times whirlwind times.

Well she told me that she was bipolar, and that this made her really good at detecting it in others. She told me that she knows Bill Clinton is bipolar for that reason, as an example, and that he cheated on his wife because he was manic. Her only specific reason for me being bipolar was the insomnia. I don’t know, she may have been right, maybe not. Maybe SHE was manic when she diagnosed me lmao. Who knows.

I’ve just been going back through your posts. A lot of what you post about is very familiar to me.

I think you shouldn’t worry about what your diagnosis is at this point, but instead that you’re honest with your doctor about the things that are hurting you most. Believe me, I know how hard that is :smile_cat: I’m working at it, too. I’ve got a strong sense of shame, of not wanting to make a fuss, of feeling like I should be able to handle this if I’d just get myself together, and of wanting my pdoc to like me - all of these things get in the way of me being as honest as I should be.

I’m serious about wanting to get better, though, and I think you are, too.

I wouldn’t read too much into her arguing with you about sz. She probably is nowhere near a diagnosis yet. One of the major issues people with sz face is self-stigmatization, it’s probably something she’s seen before and knows she needs to defuse. If she thought you had misconceptions on what the range of sz could be, of course she’ll try to correct them.

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Yeah I agree. I just want her to get it right, whatever it is, because I want my treatment to actually work.

Like at one point she asked me if I had a good relationship with my mother when I was a kid. I just answered, “No.” And then she immediately said, “Because you were angry with her.” And I had to be like, “No, because she didn’t like me and didn’t want anything to do with me, until my parents got divorced when I was a teenager.”

Something as slight as that can make me doubt a therapist. Like no bitch, don’t try to play psychic, actually ask me. Or if you have a theory already, explain why. If she was picking up on any anger issues (which I do have, in a covert sort of way when dealing with people in person), fine, but talk about it. Don’t tell me what my childhood was like.

I feel very hypervigilant about everything. Just tired of professionals with issues and biases getting in the way of me being treated correctly. The first counselor I saw when I was teen thought I just needed Jesus, and it’s all been a steady stream of disappointment and weirdness from there. I would just really like this one to eventually come to a conclusion, be able to explain their reasoning and have it make sense, and then get proper treatment. Fingers crossed.

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In my first appointment with my pdoc/therapist, I came in with a list of concerns about seeing her :smile_cat: she was pretty taken aback but was like, okay, let’s hear 'em. She had her own, too - she told me her issues and said, if any of these are a problem, let me know and I’ll help you find another doctor. I appreciated that.

She also asked me exactly what I was hoping for out of seeing her. I liked that a lot. It’s good to have goals. Before, I would kind of sit there passively and wait for a doctor to ask the right questions and tell me what to do. This is bad for me, because I don’t volunteer information, and if they don’t ask exactly the right question, the information doesn’t get shared.

This time around, I’m coming at it with a concrete list of things that are not working in my life. I still have the tendency to clam up and say things are just fine, but it’s going much better than before.

Anyway, maybe try that next time. Say, this hasn’t worked for me in the past, here’s why. Here’s what I’m hoping happens when I talk to you. See what she says.

I’m no professional, but from my understanding, the primary difference from bipolar psychosis and sz psychosis would be the duration and if there is mood swings present. The two disorders share a lot of symptoms, so sometimes they are misdiagnosed.

If you believe that you might have bipolar disorder, I’d look back at your general mental health throughout your life. Since early childhood I had long periods of depression followed my periods in which I was “normal”. My weight , academic performance and athletic performance had gross fluctuations throughout my life. For example, while I was tending towards a hypomanic state, then I would have straight A’s in school and do great in sports, and be in great physical condition. But while in depressive states, my grades would drop to B’s, I’d have no motivation for sports and I’d gain a bunch of weight.

If you’re having long term issues with psychosis while off AP’s, then you’re probably sz or sza. For bipolars it’s not a very common occurrence and the duration should be relatively short (in my case at least). Mood stabilizers like lithium or lamictal should be more effective for you long term than APs. AP’s are a must though if you feel like you’re going to slip into psychosis. I keep a bottle of seroquel around just encase I feel like I’m on the verge of psychosis. AP’s have saved me thousands of dollars from having to be forced inpatient in the psyche ward even though I rarely ever have to use them.

I’ve had a lot of people complain about my posts on this site so I have decided to move on. I still check my email and respond to pms or if someone directly asks me a question but no longer browse topics in which I’m not called out in. I finally sold my house so my financial worries are over for a very long time, but I am struggling to find employment.

Obligatory cute cat gif for old time’s sake: http://i.imgur.com/Vp9Q38k.gifv :sunglasses:


Good to hear from you man, glad you dropped by.

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I’m glad your appointment went well. Personalities can clash in therapy, and it can be a bad experience. It sounds like your therapist is a good fit for you. Make the most of your time with her.

Well I am glad you popped in. I have been to depression and bipolar support communities, but most of the time, nobody can really relate or understand the psychosis part of things. I can’t relate to most bipolar people because I don’t get anything like normal mania. If I am bipolar, then I must only be getting depression and very dark mixed states with psychosis. And on depression communities, almost nobody ever experiences psychosis. So far it feels like only people with primary psychotic disorders feel relatable, even if I also get depression stuff.