I write in my journal every morning. It’s a stream of consciousness. I say bad things to myself when I don’t like what I am thinking, and sometimes it’s a little paranoid, thinking that someone else is reading it, in which I address the reader, which makes sense, I write it right when I wake up and eat breakfast and take my morning meds- thing is, morning meds haven’t kicked in when I write it, so it’s a little cloudy, I have some of what J calls “the head circus” going on when I write in it. It’s usually about what I have been up to, what I think of what I have been up to, and sometimes a long stream of consciousness, like asking myself why I am doing what I do, also includes reports of my dreams. I printed off a few days of it for my shrink to read and he read the most delusional parts of it back to me. I sometimes just write a very brief “nothing is happening, I am on winter break” or I write an essay on why I am taking the GRE.
I am writing a science fiction book, it’s 180 pages so far. I have had major writer’s block, I know how I want it to end, but I can’t figure out good dialogue for the next chapter (it’s about schizophrenics in the future, to say the very least and be vague). I like to develop characters and incorporate psychology crap into it, I’m studying psychology in school. I often brainstorm for a week and then write on the weekend, but I haven’t touched it in a month. I have been studying for the GRE (fuck math) and been spending a lot of time with friends and family other than that, all of my high school friends have been in town for winter break so that’s kept me out of the house a lot of nights in the past month, and kept my mind from wandering into creativity.
I took the DISC inventory when I was a sophomore for a personality psychology class and came up as “creative” according to my results- the professor asked if anyone in the room got it, and I said I did, he said it is very rare and seemed to insinuate that it is desirable. Very high scores on D and C, very low on I and S.
Now the MMPI-2. According to that, I am a traumatized veteran, been divorced three times, am somewhat of a psychopath (psychopathic tendencies), have an addictive personality and have severe paranoid schizophrenia. Half of that is true.
The MBTI- according to that, I’m a military officer, an ENTJ.
The children’s story “Winnie the Pooh” is an allegory of mental disorders. Christopher Robin has schizophrenia, Owl has narcissistic personality disorder, Eeyore has major depression, Tigger has ADHD, Piglet has generalized anxiety disorder, Winnie the Pooh is an addict (or an eating disorder, maybe bulimia nervosa) Rabbit has OCD, and hell if I care about the kangaroos, looks like the kid has an insecure attachment to his mom, it seems.
let’s add in a new character, Mouse, who has chronic paranoid schizophrenia, a little compensatory narcissism, a little psychopathy or perhaps it’s just asperger’s mistaken as psychopathy (what my shrink thinks but isnt positive about), trauma, is a smoker and won’t shut the ■■■■ up about psychology, also likes barbaric things like lifting weights, fighting and eating lots of meat when he is not filling his abnormal brain with more psychology crap, and he loves dogs, also goes off topic and continues to talk after he has made his point.
I just wrote a lot. Obviously we have different clusters of symptoms, because I can just keep talking if I want to, it’s evidence of Asperger’s, I don’t know when to stop talking about facts. All I talk about is facts. I mean I am still talking.
Shut up, Mouse, you’re drunk, go home.
I didn’t drink a drop of ethanol, check my blood.
No mouse, don’t cut your self, we don’t need or want your blood.
I used a syringe, cutting myself is a no-no.
What did we tell you? We told you to shut up!
Pluto, come here!
Now he’s letting his dog lick his face. He’s disgusting. Don’t ask him anything, he will talk for like five minutes if you even ask him what he had for dinner. He will talk about the nutritional value of what he ate and tell you about how many grams of protein he eats a day, then he will talk about how much water he drinks, then he will talk about this one year he was a member of a powerlifting gym and met a bunch of juicers, then he will tell you about when he was a martial artist and how he got a cracked rib–
Dammit Mouse. Your splitting of mental functions should not be used as a form of free public entertainment.
Go to bed, Mouse. You need to wake up before 10am tomorrow. You need to practice for the GRE and lift weights tomorrow. Mouse has a date tomorrow! That’s too personal. Shut up, Mouse. I find your stream of consciousness disturbing. For a schizophrenic, you sure are talkative.
See I just wrote a stream of consciousness, even included a slightly delusional statement about “public entertainment.” That’s delusional, only other mentally ill people will read this. I hope. ■■■■. Anyways, try doing what I just did- just keep writing what you are thinking.
Snake eyes. Time to die! Peanut butter pie, in the moonlit sky, someone in the state of Colorado is really ■■■■■■■ high.
I can also just crap out words and phrases that rhyme, it’s weird. One of the characters in my book is medication resistant like hell and loves to rhyme half of what he says, I wrote all of his dialogue so that’s actually my unique little useless talent. His rhymes are more coherent and mostly make perfect sense, like here
“That’s what I meant by saying “inexcusably”, I mean I don’t need no ■■■■■■■ excuses for what the United States mass produces and reuses and infuses with pride, so you better be glad that I am on your side coming along for the ride.” -talking about being a veteran.
See, just write.