I got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 1980 at age 19. The goal was always to get better. But the next two years were hell with severe, tortuous symptoms for every minute of every day. And among other things, an 8 month long “vacation” in a locked psychiatric facility. I spent the entire eighties in hospitals, various forms of group homes, and heavily medicated and talking to shrinks weekly (hmmm, I can’t remember them ever talking back though).
When I was young in those days in the early 80’s I went through a few stages with my disease. Those first two years I went downhill and showed no improvement. But the hope was to get better though. I never got a prognosis from a doctor telling me what I could or could not do. I was just kind of in limbo, suffering and just going along and co-operating with whatever housing situation or hospital I was in. I had no plans or goals. I did not know if I would ever get better. I remember someone talking about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I thought, “I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel”, but I wished I did.
But in 1982 I moved from the hospital into a nice group home. And just being free and out of the hospital improved my condition. The big term in my area in the eighties for schizophrenics was getting “stable”. It meant the medication was working and my symptoms became more controllable by me, and there were no crisis’s happening and I started functioning better. And in those times, in the back of my mind I always thought that if I did what they told me to do and took my medication and went to therapy and attended the support groups and did everything right, that I would make a full recovery. THat was my belief.I always kind of thought that schizophrenia was a medical condition that with proper treatment, could be “erased” or cured and I would be symptom free and just go on with my life.
But one day in 1984 or so, it hit me that schizophrenia was NOT a disease that would go away. It was a startling revelation. I realized from talking to people that I could show improvement but basically it was a life-long condition. It was a very sobering moment to realize this. But the world did not end and life went on and I got a job and a car, and a friend or two and enrolled in college and just basically had a semi-normal life doing a lot of things that non-schizophrenic people my own age were doing.
And even though I couldn’t feel any progress because its hard to see yourself getting better because it happens imperceptibly and slowly, I did start to get better. But life with schizophrenia is not all steady uphill progress. I had many, many setbacks, including a four year crack and cocaine addiction and a nasty relapse in 1988. Many times my recovery was “one step up, and five steps back”.
It’s funny because when I look back and reminisce about life, I remember the events in my life more than the condition I was in at the time. I remember going to San Francisco Giants games with my bi-polar roommate or going to play ball in the park or visiting record shops or the multitude of activities I did, I remember dating, I remember going to restaurants with family or parties and get-together’s. I remember all those things but it takes a concentrated effort to remember what state of mind I was in. I did everything I listed and it was fun, but actually at the same time experiencing very, very, serious symptoms. I have to try hard to remember what my condition was. But my schizophrenia was always in the picture, but my activities shoved it from my mind.
But at age 40 or so, I started seeing and being aware of making huge strides in my recovery and some of my symptoms actually went away and some others got better. I had always heard almost from the beginning that when someone with schizophrenia reaches middle-age that their symptoms will improve. Luckily it happened to me. I’m 56 now and though I have recovered in certain ways, the symptoms are still here. But they are a 100 times less severe and disabling than when I was in my twenties. My problems now take a different form. In some ways, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my adult life. In other ways, I wonder if I will make it. But this kid is not ready to give up. In a few ways, despite schizophrenia and my age, I have moments where I feel alive and I feel life in me. A symptom of schizophrenia is not being able to feel pleasure in life. Well, I don’t care what they say, I walk down the street and I feel the warmth of a Spring day and I feel the warm breezes hitting my skin.
I take in the sight of the mountains in the far distance and I glance up at the sky and I can feel the spring in my step and life in me. I can’t predict how other people with schizophrenia will recover, but I felt hopeless many times but now I can feel OK and maybe other people can too. But I’ve come full circle and I am enjoying things about life that I never got to experience even in high school before I got ill. I enjoy people now. I enjoy talking to them. I am more interested in what’s going on around me other than just what is in my own head. I experience somewhat scary symptoms still but I realize I am really here on earth. I realize I am not invisible and I have an effect on other people. I realize I’m me, and I always have been.
My sense of humor is back after leaving me 40 years ago. I enjoy calmness, serenity, and peace of mind. I’m nice to people and people are nice to me. People actually care what I think. I’m getting along with people. These things are miraculous to me. My life is far, far, from perfect but I am managing. I offered to buy a homeless woman I see hanging around a coke today because I had a little extra money and I was stressed out from working over-time at my job and she took one look at my condition and said, " No thanks, you need it more than me".LOL. That’s the second time she’s done this to me, lol.
Anyways, life’s a gamble at best, right? And no one makes it out alive but the trip can be interesting and exciting. I guess I’m done rambling. Tomorrow is my day off. Time to hit the books maybe for my Algebra class, good night and good luck.