I guess I just need someone to vent to. I’ve always been a better writer than speaker. The words just get caught in my throat.
My boyfriend moved in 2 months ago. At first it was great, I was also attending school. Now that classes are over I don’t know what to do with myself and can’t seem to find the motivation to get a part time job, I don’t think I could handle the stress of it besides. My boyfriend doesn’t like to see me idle. He works 6-7days a week as a logger from sunrise to sunset and is exhausted when he comes home. When he comes in the door we sit at the table and talk about his day for about 30-45minutes before he showers and dinner. Then we watch tv for an hour then he goes to bed. We had a conversation Sunday, when he actually took a day off, and he said I don’t talk to him about myself enough. And when we are on the couch “he makes a point of ignoring me, if I’m not going to talk to him.” I just don’t know how to talk about myself. I stopped giving my opinions because it feels like he just tells me I’m wrong when I do, so I don’t anymore. When I told him this last night he wanted an example of this and I couldn’t give him one, he made me feel like I was making it up. I have a hard time expressing emotions/feelings, opinions, talking about what I did that day. He says we only talk about light fluffy stuff and that’s not enough to sustain our relationship. I grew up in a household where you were belittled for talking about yourself, so I guess I never learned how. It makes me really uncomfortable and ashamed to do so.
I’ve thought about writing him notes or letters, but thats backfired on me in the past, one ex-bf threw a letter in my face and told me I was childish for writing it. My therapist is on vacation for 2 weeks so I can’t talk to her about this. Even talking to her is painful.
Gosh, I’m really sorry to hear that. I wish I could offer something other than sympathy, but I only overcame alogia through a manic episode, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise. I’m not really liking some of the things that he is doing, such as frequently stating that your opinion is wrong. Hopefully, there is some kind of therapy program available that can help, perhaps your therapist can suggest something. I hope it gets better.
Interesting. Because this is exactly the kind of parental behavior reported in the old books about sz written by Aaron Esterson, R. D. Laing, Jules Henry, Don D. Jackson, Gregory Bateson, Theodore Lidz and Stephen Fleck.
Bateson called the behavior “double binding.” Another author named Paul Watzlawick called it the “paradoxical injunction.” In both cases, they meant that someone close to the sz pt regularly told them to do one thing and later told them to do the exact opposite so that the pt could could never “win.”
Now for the kicker: I have seen probably 20 sz pts who got in intimate relationships with people who did exactly the same thing. (Think maybe it’s… “crazy-making?”)
I’m not sure what I’m experiencing qualifies as alogia. As I’m able to later write what I wanted to say or should have said. But the more I think about it he may have just said I was wrong once and I simply took it to heart and hear it in my mind every time I try to say something. As I said my parents are very negative and constantly belittling, and there were other chaotic things going on in the household that gave me ptsd/dissociative problems.
Wow, is all I can say… I’m just doing some reading on double binding. Describes my childhood and some adult relationships to a T. I knew it was all connected somehow, childhood, parents, ptsd, sza…
I have a similar problem. I have a hard time talking to anyone about anything in a spontaneous way. I can talk in a structured conversation like group therapy, or in an intellectual conversation, but in every other situation I am left floundering. When I try to talk to someone spontaneously I go rigid and start talking in a monotone. Then the person to whom I am talking starts to yawn. It’s frustrating and embarrassing. I’ve decided not to get in any romantic relationship with someone with whom I cannot communicate satisfactorily. I think in your situation you could benefit from some coaching. Maybe a self help book along these lines could help you. Try to develop strategies for talking to your boyfriend. Plan ahead. It might not be spontaneous at first, but that will come in time. Personally, I don’t think there is anything that can help me. I’ve kind of gotten used to being alone. Now that I am older I like it.
I can’t even talk in groups. 3-4 people max then I can’t speak at all when there are more people. I just took a walk with my mom. She’s like talking to a wall, deaf ears. She talks and talks but doesn’t hear me. So I give up and don’t say much. It’s really depressing. I feel like I’m worthless, nothing, useless.
Writing a letter explaining yourself is a great idea,maybe you broke up with that one dude by letter so he threw it in your face,if not then its a good thing that you left him because he sounds like a jerk.
Another thing he, my bfsaid… I had told him recently that I was popular as a child then a loner as I grew older. His therapist explained that it is common for other kids to sense something is not right about someone who may have sz so they start to avoid shun them. This causes the person with sz or pre-sz to “torment” themselves even more hastening psychosis.
Not sure what to make of this info. It does add up. But I’m also a bit pissed he’s talking about me and then telling me.
Fritz Perls wrote 60 years ago that we would find replicants of those who “did it to us” and struggle with them until we understood what was going on. I needed some help to get this. I found it from a lot of sources, but none more than…
Just a thought—Use the words Who, How, Why, What and When as key words to introduce or build upon a conversation that gets around to you. Each sentence can lead to a 40 minute conversation, with quiet pauses.
Who do I want to see myself emulate? (Lydia Cacho)
When we plan this getaway, I have authentic Philly cheese steak sandwiches in mind.
What life changing experiences will result in a trip to Mt. Kilimanjaro, an African mountain where standing upon the peak one can look down at a layer of clouds?
I’m sorry this is happening. It’s a hard wall to break through. I also write better then I talk. I also have to write letters to people when I can’t get the words out.
I wish you Bf could understand how hard it is to express and talk about stuff some times.
I had to relearn how to communicate. I also had to sort of practice with my therapist when it came to pinpointing what I want to say and how to say it.
For me… getting pressured only makes it hard to talk… then the anxiety kicks in and I lock down.
I do hope you feel better… It’s hard to be forced into an intimate conversation. I hope he’ll have some patience with the situation and realize that putting you on the spot doesn’t make it easier.
Thanks for your words J. Makes me feel a little better, less alone.
Since the therapist is away for 2 more weeks I’m trying to research online what I can do. I learned more of what I did wrong than anything. I spoke to him when I was upset and not thinking straight. Didn’t use my “I” statements, instead I said “you” blaming him, making it his fault. Those were two skills I learned in DBT and totally forgot in the heat of the moment.
Also looking more into the correlation between trauma and sz. Its very interesting reading. Then it kind of came about… what’s wrong with my mother? Why does she act the way she does? It dawned on me that maybe she is BPD and her behavior all kind of makes sense now. Then, my father he has some sort of undiagnosed mental illness (I couldn’t even begin to amateur-dx it).