It started with me being back in my old bedroom where I had my first episode, except now the paint and decorations were different. I still recognized it immediately and froze up. Then the devil or something put me through so many horrific things. Like there was a part where I had to where someone’s skin as clothing and some other part where he demanded I do inappropriate things to a baby or else he’d make me kill it. He also molested me a lot. I could feel physical sensation in this dream excruciatingly vivid. It was so horrible. I woke up physically trembling and that went on for some time after, like shaking all the way to my gut. I also felt sharp pains in private areas upon waking up like something huge had been forced up there.
I don’t understand why I experience things like this. Why. Why. Why. I definitely need to leave house today but yet again don’t want to get out of bed.
He was having fun with my suffering. He knew there was nothing I could do about it. I just wanted to get away and I couldn’t. It was like catching a glimpse of what hell would be like.
@Anna I’m so sorry. I’ve never been through anything so horrible. It must be horrifying.
But what I do know, from talking to you, is that you are strong. We, including you, are all strong here. We have to be to go through what we go through. You are stronger than this and you are stronger than him.
Have you been able to talk to your pdoc or therapist about this?
The nightmares just started up again after my last session of emdr at therapy so I haven’t had a chance to talk about it yet. I strongly feel it was brought on by the emdr. I’m going to bring it up at my next session tomorrow.
Unfortunately trauma therapy is never a pleasant thing in my experience. At the time you deal with things you hadn’t before, in this case we were dealing with the extreme terror I felt when I was trapped in that situation during my first episode, it is very destabilizing, can flare up symptoms and all sorts of bad stuff. When I first started trauma therapy a few years ago I’d get destabilized so badly I was having a crisis practically every week and my therapist started thinking we should quit. But I pushed on and it helped me make huge progress and heal and things that used to badly upset me before didn’t anymore. I didn’t spend time obsessing over things I used to. Helped make me more normal again. I’m hoping to further those results.
It makes me wonder, I know other people experience terrifying things during their episodes. Do they not remember them? Or is it because their brain is in a dream state that they just don’t remember them as vividly and remember them as they would a dream, thus they don’t remember it fondly but weren’t actively traumatized by it? And because I am a lucid dreamer who clearly remembers all my dreams is why my experiences while psychotic got burned into my brain. I don’t know. Like my other friend IRL who has psychosis barely remembers her episodes.
I remember having a poll on here once that asked if people had ever been traumatized by their psychosis but I didn’t ask if the content of the psychosis itself was traumatizing to them or if it was the actions they did (such as doing things that almost got themselves killed during) or their hospitalization that did.
Yeah for me it was worth it. Moving back to my old town where my mental health issues became intense was what threw me back into instability, I was honestly at a point where I felt I had totally moved on from the past before this. Wish I hadn’t had to move back.
I’ve had something less sever, a dream. I remember very clearly a horrible dream I had. I was in this sort of mine tunnel. Except the walls were made of these small, terrifying creatures sort of like demonic bugs. I was traveling down in a sort of mine cart and the bugs were so close I could feel them rubbing against my skin as I passed. I remember waking up and realizing that I was on my way to hell.
The reason I mention it is because it still sticks with me. I haven’t had it again but the vividness still pops up from time to time. It still horrifies me to this day, the feeling of those bugs on my face.
I think you are stronger than I am. Because part of me wonders if it has forever weakened me psychologically. It is something that I distract myself from and do not face.
I’m so sorry if that didn’t help. I probably shouldn’t have said it. I thought it might help you know that, even though not as bad, I’ve experienced a small fraction of what you did. I probably shouldn’t have said it and if it bothered you I’m really sorry.
Oh goodness no that doesn’t bother me at all. It makes me feel better when I see people share experiences similar to mine because I don’t feel like such a freak then. However I also don’t want anyone to experience what I have so it’s complicated That nightmare sounds awful. I hate when I have gross bugs in my nightmares.
That nightmare sounds awful. I hate when I have gross bugs in my nightmares.