Hi it’s been a while since I last posted on this forum. But I’m on day 3 sober today. And need a therapeutic outlet. Plus I wanted to warn yous as well for what I consider to be a lethal chemical, that has caused me much decay in the last year and a half.
As I am writing this I am slowly getting better physically but my kidneys hurt. I am pissed off that they market this chemical as a safe anti-depressant, because when I look around in my circles, my friends are in so much physical pain that they have to take a hot bath and can’t get out and still don’t find a way to cease their use.
So it started 1.5 years ago. I just came out of rehab for an amphetamine addiction, and it was the new years eve, so I went to a party… I had done K in the past but never got into trouble with it, it was just a wonky drug that made me act a bit silly. So I decided it wouldn’t hurt to do a dose, so I did. What I had done in this instant was mistakenly replaced my drug of choice for a new one, which in hindsight was a big mistake… This dose even overwhelmed me so much, it should’ve scared me away, because I was totally destroyed, I had no clue wtf just happened. But instead of taking the warning I got intrigued…
I didn’t go into full blown addiction straight away, it slowly crept up on me. How did it happen? I found a dealer in my town. And picked up a baggy in the weekend here and there to go on deep trips that connected me with the universe. Or showed me impossible states - as many of you know they can be quite wicked even without the drugs. Why did I seek out these states even with my vulnerability for psychosis? Well I considered myself a psychonaut it was one of my identity traits before the psychosis kicked in. And also I am always looking for ways to elevate my state outside of me. Call it trauma avoidance or what you will. Let’s just say I am an addict and anything that can help me escape will forever be a seductive danger.
So as it happened to be my dealer was just as seductive as the product she was peddling. She was a squatter-princess, I fell in love with her and found as many excuses to hang out with her as possible… Which as you can guess didn’t do me to well. She didn’t take the ketamine herself that was just her way to support herself… She was addicted to GHB and my old drug of choice amphetamine. At this time I was practically living at her place. I wasn’t doing to much ket but had quit my meds and was taking ghb and speed with her. She wouldn’t give me K cause it made me silly or something I never got why.
So now I see all the clients passing by every day at her place. I was warned about the physical effects… But I thought they were just stupid taking it every day, they just didn’t know how to take it properly: Once in a while and heavy…
By now the love for my dealer started to fade, I don’t know if it was her addiction, it could very well be, but I suspect she has borderline with narcissistic traits, cause the constant drama, you can’t even imagine… I wasn’t the best housemate neither, as you can imagine, of my meds and in a constant drug haze…
Since I was off my meds, it could’ve gotten way worse, but fortunately it didn’t. I was off them for a couple months untill a stress situation got me running back to them before things got completely out of hand. Which has avoided me going into full blown psychosis. By now the relationship with my family was in complete shambles, I don’t understand how they keep forgiving me, they must truly love me.
This time is quite vague in my head, and I don’t really remember all the things that happened exactly. But somehow I made my way to another country where I have some family living there. Unfortunately I took a big bag of ketamine with me. I sold most of it… For a while I was doing quit good in this new country. I was able to stay sober for a couple months, I think I used 3 times over a period of 7 months. But I was wanting to start my own business so I went back to my home country to get the paperwork in order. From day one it completely spiraled out of control. I didn’t start the business and got on a mental bender for a month and a half.
Went back to the other country but wasn’t able to lock down stable housing was able to stay sober for two months. Then got back to my home country and the cycle started again. F’d up all my business contacts in the last round of daily use.
And now I feel useless, damaged physically, back at my mother’s house, no money. With my only hope being Narcotics Anonymous and never touching drink or drug again. But I’m so weak I have very low hope. But hey just for today right… Waiting for inpatient rehab as well. Because I don’t want to do any more damage. It seems so benign but it’s really hard to quit, even when you feel you’re doing physical damage and you can’t stop, it makes you feel like a total loser…