Keep it together

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Ive been going a little off the rails lately. Doing a lot more drugs and taking a lot more risks and spending more again.

Its been a wild ride for me and I dont know how Ive managed to do classes. Ive basically been on autopilot but that has been just barely enough to not fail disastrously.

At least I have my internship lined up in March. Just have to not fck it up.

On a positive note, everytime I come here with a problem you guys have always been great at picking me back up, so I wanted to say thanks :slight_smile:

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I don’t know if you want to quit, but AA, CA or NA are always there. When I used to smoke crack in the late eighties I was headed downhill rapidly. I also was taking too many risks, smoking way too much and spending way more money than I could afford on drugs. But in 1990 I found CA, AA, and NA and got serious about my recovery and started going to meetings. My most important steps to getting clean and staying clean were: I stopped hanging out with people who did drug and I stopped hanging around places where drugs were being used.

Near the end of my drug use I had nothing. I had traded almost all my posessions for drugs. I had almost completely lost the trust of my family. I was getting closer and closer to getting in trouble with law enforcement, I was just having too many close calls with getting caught doing drugs.

But then in 1990 I was living in a group home and staying clean. Then I got a job. I enrolled in community college. I made a friend at the home and had some aquaintences in AA. Doors started opening, my life changed for the better. My family trusted me and depended on me again.

AA has a saying I used to hear in meetings and it’s certainly true for me: "My worst day sober is better than my best day on drugs. If you want to quit, AA is free and is proven to work for many people.

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Thanks @77nick77. Im honestly worried about quitting, it feels like I need something to alter my mind because I cant stand my reality for some reason. I have it pretty good, but I havent been sober from drugs and alcohol for over a year now and when I was I was definitely miserable.

My goal is to stop all the hard stuff and try and keep it to just weed until 3 months my internship, then Ill switch back to alcohol in the evenings only (they drug test Im pretty sure). Id never forgive myself if I lost that because I couldnt control myself.

Easier said than done but Ive done it before. If that doesnt work out, I will give AA a shot. I know it sounds like Im making excuses but I really do worry how Ill react to quitting drugs completely while trapped in a foreign country during a full lockdown

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Sure, I can understand that, it’s a valid worry.

You acknowledge that you sound like you are making excuses. I think it sounds like it a little, but a couple of your arguments are valid.

I used to be an active member of AA and from attending hundreds of meetings and hearing hundreds of stories from alcoholics and addicts and reading the Big Book from cover to cover a few times, my philosophy used to be that no one who has a problem with alcohol should drink. Period.

But if you have extenuating circumstances I can see that it might be OK to put off getting clean and sober. As long as you’re not fooling yourself. I mean, you said when you were sober for a year you were miserable. But how happy are you really when you are drinking and doing drugs?

First of all, that stuff cost money that could be going elsewhere like towards a car or a better apartment or a vacation somewhere etc. There’s always a price to pay and consequences to face when you use drugs or drink. And being clean may be miserable, but so is making constant trips to the liquor store or to the drug dealer.

Also, when you have a problem with using drugs or drinking you are not usually rubbing elbows with graduates of MIT or successful businessmen or even the middle-class, at nice bars or lounges. To the contrary, you are hanging around with fellow addicts and alcoholics and they may not be the best influence on you or the best example of a productive adult. So how happy were you really when you were doing drugs?

I’m not even sure if you are an alcoholic or adddict. But if you were miserable being clean and sober it’s either because the absence of drugs or the absence of some good support and help from someone who has maybe had a substance abuse themselves and somehow overcame it and has a good recovery.

I hope I’m not coming across as lecturing you, that’s not my intention. I am just giving you my experience and advice that was freely given to me when I was trying to quit.

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I would get off the drugs ASAP if you want to stay rational.

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You’ll have a much better chance of succeeding if you leave the drugs alone.

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Its really tough for, i got help once. Than i got help twice. Next time i am on my own. You relapsed cause you gave up on your dreams. What else you dream about. Something better with less effort. That dream stopped me fullfilling my dreams. But here i am and live my Australian Dream. It evolved into that. I believe in dreams. You got to see them.

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I can’t remember the name of the self help guru who stated that rather than avoiding the storm of whatever drives you into addiction and escapism; the only way to beat those demons is to run directly into the tornado and face them.

Drugs serve the need to escape your problems but however they also mean that you are not connected to yourself, self understanding and true self awareness; and that means you can spend your whole life in a cycle of addiction with all that entails.

Most people cannot face their problems alone and do it through counselling, friends and programs, but face them you should, or take the increased chance of failure not only to the side effects of the drugs but to yourself.

Until you have weathered the storm a true life of happiness will be unattainable. The drugs are only a mask of delight, but how good would it be to be one of those people who doesn’t need to get high all the time to be happy? They do exist you know and they are not bound to a life subservient to intoxication.

Good luck on your journey! :slight_smile:

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NA is bad. The drug dealers go to those meetings to push drugs into addicts. It’s better to go to AA

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Its tough for sure, and I appreciate you guys. You dont come across as lecturing, just sharing your experience.

My problem is Ive never been happy. Before drugs, after drugs, never. The closest Ive gotten is through artificial means, i.e. drugs and alcohol. I think I am incapable pf true happiness, so why not go for the next best thing? Idk maybe its a defeatist attitude but Ive spent so long working on my life and becoming successful and then this illness crashes down on me when Im at a low point to begin with… youve gotta understand my position.

I have always been miserable, and I believe I always will be. Why not at least enjoy myself for awhile before reality catches up to me?

I dont have a lot of responsibility just yet, my full time position starts in May. I figure why not make use of that time as a means of being artificially happy and enjoying myself before waking up to the ugly reality of life

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I went for years to NA meetings and never saw or heard that. Is that just maybe your experience in your particular local NA meetings? Because NA is located in other countries and if it were true, it seem more people, somewhere in the world would have brought it to light but I never even heard rumors of that. I could see that maybe happening in certain instances but I doubt it’s wide-spread.

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I’m glad to hear that. I went to multiple meetings in different locations in my area and the dealers were there at all of them. I’m glad it’s not widespread

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Umm, you’re kind of rationlizing your drug use @zwolfgang.
Which is not unusual in addicts or alcoholics, but it’s wrong and could concievably lead to a much worse state of affairs than you’re in now.

You have some good self insights; if you are smart (which I don’t doubt) you could make those insights work for you rather then against you. For one thing, you’re right, that is a defeatist attitude.

But I think the first step on getting happy is being aware of your problem. There’s other, better ways to work on problems than drowning them in a beer or shot of whisky or picking up that pipe. Schizophrenia can ruin the best, most ambitious persons life no matter who you are, so you are not alone in that. But turning (or turning back to) drugs and alcohol will bite you when you expect it least.

I mean banking on the premise that you can drink or do drugs before it catches up to you for several months or a year is a bad plan. It’s a gamble for sure, you may delibrately drink for several months but by the time you get around to quitting you have dug yourself into a major, major hole. A deep hole that is extremely hard to get out of. Maybe you might have developed that serious dependence on alcohol or drugs.

I don’t know the extent of your drug or alcohol use but if you are using either of them heavily, you might unfortunately have progressed into the point of you need to quit now while you still can.

I never thought I would be happy, I pretty much withdrew from other people in about 7th grade. I still had a lot of fun but starting in 7th grade I don’t think people knew what to make of me. I didn’t talk much in school except with friends I knew well. I gradually got more depressed. People ignored me which was fine with me most of the time. I don’t know how on earth I avoided being bullied.

But now I’m an adult I’ve had my struggles in life of course in adulthood just like everyone else. But you know what? I’ve had many happy times too, like everybody else. And I’ve had fun, and had many experiences. And since I’ve been clean for many years, I’ve had my moments without drugs or alcohol.

In fact, AA addresses this issue directly. It was in the basic text (the Big Book) or literature that I’ve heard many addicts or alcoholics say that they don’t want to quit because they are afraid that without alcohol or drugs they will not be able to have fun. But this belief has been debunked over and over again by people who have 20, 10, or 1 years clean and sober.

It’s just a different kind of fun. Instead of hanging out in seedy, questionable bars or on the streets with shady people, once people got clean they could now enjoy their nephews 6 birthday party, they could now enjoy a nice picnic in the middle of the park instead of hanging out on the edges smoking pot. Once people got clean, they could enjoy an occasional comedy club, sober. Or having a nice friend over for dinner to talk and have company. They didn’t need to have alcohol to have a good time.

Hey, I never thought I would be happy either. I thought I was just a person who is never happy but I have enjoyed myself often over the years.

I’ll answer your final sentence: why not spend your time being clean and sober and face reality? Reality, may be good too.

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Drugs and excessive alcohol are typically bad for normal people and even worse for people with schizophrenia.

And the drama of hard drugs typically brings jail time and even worse things.

I’m not trying to scare you, @zwolfgang, I’ve just seen some crazy stuff in my time.

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Thanks @77nick77 for the advice. It did come across as a bit lecturey this time but I dont blame you lol I really am rationalizing it I guess. Ive been in IOP so I know about the fun thing, as in you can have fun without drugs and alcohol.

But Ive realized its not about that for me, its about escaping reality. Maybe I should give facing the world sober another shot.

Only reason I even can rationalize it now is because Im a very functional addict. I do this stuff all day, but I manage to get things done as well, just barely enough to not fail as I said. And that includes group projects, big presentations and reports. Maybe thats because most of the drugs I do dont really mess you up physically in the short term enough for people to tell for sure, at least I dont think so.

For reference, I mostly drink but Ive also been using ketamine, various amphetamines and weed. I think the real problem ones in terms of impact on my studies and demeanor are alcohol and ketamine. The weed mostly just chills me out and the amphetamines actually improve my performance but theyre bad in other ways.

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Pick one vice and do it in moderation.

You’re a really gifted cat…and I’m about to toss another musical track your way. :wink:

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Your lifestyle actually reminds me a bit of my upcoming song lyrics.

The Chorus from my song…

Out of Luck

I smoke too much. I drink too much.
I joke too much. I think too much.
I love ya too much. I love ya too much.
I’m on the street I’m out of luck.

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I’m sorry that you are struggling. Last time we talked I was so worried about you. I’m worried about drugs ruining your life or screwing up your internship. I would advise to stay away from drugs because they can harm you. Let’s talk soon and I am here for you.

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The dealers might have been there to get clean!
I hope so, because selling drugs to people who are trying to get clean is really messed up, and a sociopathic thing to do.

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Thanks @anon39054230 I appreciate it. I think the key is the moderation bit, I have a hard time with that sometimes lol. Thats the plan though, just gotta wean myself off. Liking the lyrics to that song tho!

@anon10648258 I know youre worried about me but Ill be ok. Ive been through worse. Im gonna stop most of it and stick to what I know affects me least negatively, which is weed. After that Ill taper off of that slowly.

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