I have a little status. I hold down a job and move freely in my community. My sister tells me I have a little power. I have a car. But i still have lingering feelings of doubt that I don’t deserve anything because I’m mentally ill. I feel like I don’t deserve what I have. Like I’m deceiving the world. But I rationalize it in this way: I have never been in love and I never will be. Love is mankind’s best feeling you can have and I missed out, so why shouldn’t I compensate for that loss by getting a little something else out of life? And I’ve only had two real girlfriends so that’s another loss. I missed out on a lot. So why should people begrudge me my little place in the world with my little life? And there is a huge faction out there who are tricking other people;conning them, taking advantage of other people.I don’t do that except to hide an illness. I don’t see that as getting over on anybody. Other people have diseases they hide and don’t advertise. Another rationalization is that I’m not doing anything illegal. That stopped 25 years ago when I quit smoking crack. I pay taxes and I’m a contributing member of society. If my life is a house of cards because I have a disease that is not my fault then so-beit, I’ll live with that. It’s society’s fault for making me live on the edge where if I get discovered I will face stigma and prejudice. I will be “othered”. A term I learned reading Cinderella when the evil step-mother and daughters place Cinderella in a disadvantaged position from themselves. I will never be married or have kids. I actually don’t want those anyways. As I write this I feel even more strongly that I should not feel guilty for what I’ve got or my life. The ones who should feel guilty are the ones playing on my weaknesses and using me as a steppingstone for their own wants and needs.It probably doesn’t happen often but it’s there. But to paraphrase, “Crap runs downhill”. I realize people just want to be left alone But I’m a human too despite how people make me feel. I’ve lived 53 years.I deserve a little respect. I’m in a situation now where I’m being subtly and not so subtly being discriminated against. Sobeit. I can’t do anything about it. God knows I’ve tried. I never thought I would be discriminated against.I don’t feel like I ever discriminated against anybody. Power is a weird thing. Someone who has power can MAKE you think something they want. That’s real power. I face it at work, I face it at home.
It sounds weird but LIFE is weird, right?
Am I really hurting anyone by cleaning restrooms and vacuuming carpets three days a week? Am I hurting anyone by not wanting people to tailgate me or to deliberately slow down in traffic ahead of me? All I’m getting away with is living on the edge of my life crumbling at any time. I’ve been pushed to the limit and treated unfairly everyday. I tried fighting back but when you have been crushed by everyone it’s hard. The fights almost out of me. Of course I get the occasional odd person who smiles at me and says “hi” or is nice in other ways. It restores my faith in humanity and I try to do it back… But I also have people laying their trip on me when I don’t want it. Who should feel guilty, me or them? What am I really getting away with. Occupying a small space on the planet.
I’m in a lull right now. I’m all alone in my sisters house feeding her cat and writing my school paper. It was a warm and quiet day. “Do not go quietly into the night”. I want to kick this diseases butt like Mortimer does. Well, not EXACTLY the same way as him. But I want to win. But I am on everybodies side on this site. I want everybody to do good because it helps me. I’ll be quiet now.
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My one friend describes me as a “Free Power”.
Jayster
I describe myself as learning how rotten people are. Or re-learning.
When is your birthday, anyway?
March 11th. I’ll be 54 years old.
Happy Birthday, Pisces!
Thanks. My sister is going to take me out to dinner for my birthday. I’m looking forward to it.
Im the same age as you-and Im just learning how complicated things are. But really, " There`s nothing new under the sun" just new ways to do it! For every rotten thing there is-the opposite is also true.
Get rid of that guilt! We are at the age where we have paid our dues…you are a fine man @77nick77, you can live your life in a free way. No one has power over you-not in a real way. **
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