Driving at night is getting dangerous. The road ripples like waves in the ocean, everywhere there are creatures made of shadow, flashes of movement, it’s all so distracting. I know it’s not real but I can’t help but look at it. The murmur in my head is getting louder, and today I heard the first few words from a familiar voice. I am not prepared for this. I thought it would be easier, but I forgot how obtrusive, how all-encompassing the hallucinations are. Paranoia is starting up, if I hear laughter they’re laughing at me, I expect to catch people staring and whispering about me. Not too bad yet but it’s getting there. Bad thoughts are creeping in, doubts and fears crawling into my mind. My mother told me today that if I feel like hurting myself, to let her know, and now I’m worried I might have to. The confusion is getting worse too, it’s hard to maintain a coherent thought, hard to hold a conversation. I keep stopping and reading back over what I type to remind myself of what I was saying. And of course it’s all worse at night. During the day I can live with it, but tonight was rough, I had to go home early because the mental fog started rolling in and I started losing myself. I am not looking forward to the screaming and crying and babbling, all still aware of what I’m doing but powerless to stop it. It’s seeming all so inevitable now, like it’s just a matter of time before I’m back to the way I was last year. I have little faith in my meds, they failed me last time, they’ll fail me again. Unless I’m drugged up to a drooling mess, but maybe that would be better. Go to the hospital, get on the good drugs, ride it out somewhere safe and calm. Get back to my life when I’m better equipped to handle it.
So what is stopping you of being proactive and taking yourself to the ER? Hope you recover soon at anyrate.
I know it’s scary to think about the hospital, but you don’t need to suffer as much as you did last time. I’d say maybe start looking into this option before you are suffering in full blown torment like before.
Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? I bet he will be very supportive and help you.
Please don’t suffer more then you have to. I used to have a deep fear of hospitals due to how things went for me. But now that I’m looking back on them… they will help, and you will have access to other resources.
I am hoping you find a path to feeling better very soon.
Fear, mostly. And stubbornness, I want to think I can handle my problems by myself. It’s stupid, I know, but going to the hospital feels like giving up. I just have to get over myself and get the help I need, I know, but it’s hard. So I’ll procrastinate until I’m far enough gone that I have no other options.
Maybe I should. I said to Dreamscape that I’d wait until I was far gone before doing anything, but maybe getting help before it gets too bad would be a better solution. Again, though, fear and stubbornness are getting in my way. We’ll see how the next few weeks go, but I promise I’ll get help before it gets too bad.
I’m afraid too. Still I will see my pdoc on thursday and tell her voices are acting up. My voices are worse at night too. They tell me to hang myself. Screaming. Laughing. Nonsense talking in three languages. I have written her a letter so I don’t have to talk about it. If I try my head goes blank.
If you do walk in… you want to do it under your own power. I’ve been reading here that the people who do that have a much better time then I did.
I’m not trying to talk you into hospital… but your so talented and you do so much… I just hope you don’t have suffer through even worst symptoms.
I’m rooting for you. I have a feeling that if I was starting to relapse… now that I’m older and my insight is improving… I think I would try to get to a hospital sooner then later. Or at least easy back in to finding a day hospital. Anything not to go back into the worst of this.
@RowanAmethyst
I agree with SurprisedJ going voluntary inpatient does take a lot of the stress etc off being in hospital. It’s a much much better experience then involuntary. I understand your reluctance but it’s not a punishment! It’s a place to heal and recuperate. It does take more strength to ask for help and you have done it here.
u should go to the hospital. in the uk, we don’t have that option of just walking in, unless ur bad enough to b committed and then, there’s no guarantee ull get a bed unless go private which i just can’t afford at 4 grand a week. plus i don’t have anyone to look after my kids so it’s not an option for me. so count ur blessings and go while u can. they will get u stabilized in a place of no pressure. do urself a favour hunni and admit urself before u are sectioned. hope u feel better soon. xxx
Hi Rowan~
Please get some help for yourself…
If you had broken your leg, you would have been to the ER right away. Get someone to go with you. You may just end up on a 72 hour hold until you get stable. Then, you can deal with your doctor after that. My son spent a lot of time in the psych ward in the hospital. The longest he stayed was 2 weeks. If you go now, you may not have to stay long.
Peace and good luck