It's been a little war lately

So anyways I found out what had happened was Plague had enlisted these two(?) thugs who are probably a class up from his normal little spy imps that can’t do jack to me. So they were giving me a lot of trouble because the tag team dynamic meant that if I banished one the other one would take over, you know? So yeah I was being forced to accept all this dark energy every night and it was giving me extreme anxiety until finally I snapped and ended up basically beating the crap out of the two thugs then yelling at Plague over how him trying to win against me was a futile process. After which I knew he’d keep doing it anyways which upset me to where I was pacing endlessly around the kitchen at night and flapping my arms wildly to try to…I don’t know shut them up?

Anyways after that little debacle and I went back to bed I realized I really had wrecked the thugs because they didn’t attack me. So Plague came after me himself and I easily banished him as I usually do. Then I fell asleep for the first night in like a week without being basically spiritually raped.

That was the night before last. Then last night I made sure to send Plague off before I went to bed and it was amazing, I could no longer feel their will pushing on mine trying to force me to do what they want. And this morning the same, freedom. It’s really remarkable. So I’ve foiled yet another one of his stupid plots. Sure was a distressing week though. Dang. Not even the klonopin was doing anything.

Of course if I tell any of this to my therapist she’d just start talking about hospitalization :roll_eyes: But if I went to the hospital anytime I experienced anything crazy or upsetting I would never leave the hospital. Everyone has shitty things in their life they have to deal with sometimes and this is one of mine. It seems to have passed for now thankfully.

Summary: I kicked demon ass and am now sleeping pretty peacefully again :tada:

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You’ve completely lost insight. You need to get on an antipsychotic before you end up hurting yourself.

You’re now offically insane but you can’t see it.

Take a leap of faith. Explain everything that’s happening to your psychiatrist. Please.

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I’m happy you’re sleeping again,

But I also agree with @everhopeful,

You sound worse and need to go to the hospital.

Its not fun,

However, necessary sometimes.

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@Anna I’m worried about you… how long have you beeen off an ap? Aren’t you worried about the brain damage of psychosis?

Uhhhh I’ve been off geodon a bit over 2 months now? Maybe 3 months? Idk.

The other night I was distressed enough to where I was threatening Plague saying I would go back on an antipsychotic but now things seem to be chilled out again.

Plus the next AP I’m lined up to try is haldol and I just know that will make me gain back all the weight I lost if not more :disappointed:

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What was wrong with geodon? And how long did you take it for. I was on geodon for a long while and really liked it until I had to switch to invega because of auditory hallucinations

Things don’t seem very chilled out.

I’ve got a lot of similarities in my illness and I’m about to have to go back on APs too.

The weight gain is difficult,

But its manageable and better than being sick.

Geodon was marvelous for my symptoms (negatives too!) but had extremely debilitating sedation. Sleeping up to 16 hours a day. The sedation was so bad I could not drive while on that medication (I ended up getting in an accident once even). Also I have naturally kind of low blood pressure and it ended up lowering it even more so I was always very lightheaded and had to move very slowly everywhere or risk blacking out.

Now that I have modafinil I’m intrigued to see if the sedation would be as big an issue. Also my new doctor was disgusted that my old prescriber had me taking it in the morning and said that was the whole problem. But I am extremely hesitant to go back on it because of how horrific it was coming off of that medication. If something goes wrong I have to go through that nightmare again.

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I guess I do need to go back on an AP…ugh…i think I have been deluding myself…I’ve been saying it’s stupid to deal with all the AP crap when my days have been totally happy and normal it’s just I’ve been having rough nights…but that is not the case…the demons force me to stay in bed half the day attacking me…afterwards I am so disturbed by it that I cannot focus on my studying so my schoolwork has suffered…the only thing going well is my job…I am happy there and feel normal…but as soon as I leave and get home at night I know the cycle will repeat itself.

If it’s still bad when I see my pdoc next I will ask to go back on I guess…maybe I will try geodon again first but only taking one dose at night instead of half in morning half at night…hopefully if I’m not on it long before quitting the withdrawal won’t be as bad…then if that doesn’t work out haldol…I hate being on APs so much they give me so many other problems :disappointed:

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I always take the most of my medication in the evening because it is sedating and I have most problems at night time.

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@anna I do hope you do get back on geodon asap and by using modafinil I think you will be much better. I hope so :slight_smile: stay strong

I would be honest with my therapist and psychiatrist about my symptoms to get some relief. Maybe a different diet with meds would help? If the meds are sedating could take at night and isn’t the modanfil supposed to counter that?

@Anna Please go back on an Antipsychotic.
Your irrational and lost insight.
Try Risperdal again if need be.
Work with your psychiatrist.
I’m afraid if you don’t get back on APs you will end up doing something dangerous.

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Someone posted this on one of my things the other day that I didn’t think about until now but they said “you’ve been off geodon for 2 months now so it makes sense your symptoms are coming back” and I remember thinking I was fine because Plague hadn’t shown up in so long and wondering where he was. But it was probably just whatever remained of the AP in my system…or if not that then my brain chemistry hadn’t crashed back to its normal messed up baseline again.

It is dangerous for me to be off an AP…the torture the demons put me through can lead to depression…even when it doesn’t it makes me incredibly disturbed and spacy…my grades suffer…it can lead to me drinking heavily and has lead me to hurt myself in the past to pull me out of the sort of numb stupor I go into after one of the attacks.

What a nightmare all around. I can’t keep letting them torment me though, it creates more and more of a distance between me and my “normal” life…and Plague is too tricky and horrible…not comforting to know even when I am on meds he is there waiting patiently in the background for me to go off them again. That’s something they tease me about too, saying even if I go back on meds I won’t stay on them.

@Anna don’t dwell on the negative comments of your voices, they are only repeating your own fears. Your future is your own to make. Please try to break the cycle of switching meds. You are probably already one of the most experienced people when it comes to their varied effects.

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I made an appt w my pdoc. Next appt was supposed to be 1st week of December but I probably shouldn’t wait that long. Thanks for comments guys I don’t think I’ve been thinking straight lately. Deluding myself into thinking I’m doing better than I’m actually doing. I have to stop Plague even if I got him to back off for now he’s just going to think of something else.

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I didn’t like geodon, but had a terrible reaction after discontinuing, I was at my craziest a few months after I cut it off. Don’t go cold turkey off geodon, or any ap for that matter, but geodon especially in my experience.

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That was my experience too. I’ve never had such a hard time going off a med as I did w geodon it was a nightmare. It was the only med I physically could not quit cold turkey. Took a complicated tapering process that was still miserable for me to go off.

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