How painfully alone I feel lately. It’s been growing for a few weeks. I don’t know why I feel like I have to constantly be talking so I talk to myself a lot or to my pets. This is the first time in so many years I’ve lived alone, I’m not handling it well at all. I don’t miss my ex but I miss having someone just there with me to do things with. That’s what my breakdown earlier qas about. I was sitting at a coffeeshop drawing and the minute I stopped (after hours) I felt the weight of loneliness hit me and I freaked out.
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I’m agonizing over it off and on. 
especially because I’ve been having insomnia every night.
I find it so hard to make friends. I think I exhaust people. My whole life I’ve been told I’m pushy and annoying. I do tend to cling to people and I have frequent depression issues and psychosis. I’m probably hard to love I don’t know.
I come from an extremely broken home and always felt I had to deal with it on my own. I was put in a position to mediate between my parents during extremely frequent fights, sometimes putting myself in between them physically. I mean I’ve seen blood come from my dad’s neck from my mom attacking him. I was 5. I always felt someone was going to kill someone… my mom was arrested several times. I was the black 
of the family and the scapegoat. Idk I’m just ranting. I know it could have been worse. Trust me I do. But I still went through some bad ■■■■ and it’s majorly affecting me today.
Wow, can relate heavily to a lot of what you’re saying.
When I was first living alone, it took 6 months to adjust to it.
Now I wouldn’t have it any other way
But then again, I have never had a partner
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I’m so sorry you can relate. I’ve been living here without my ex since may. I lived with her for 4 years. I had a roommate at first, but perhaps the past couple.months he’s literally never home. Ad I’m working significantly less now that I’m on disability, which I’m grateful for but I need to find like a new activity or hobby idk
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I am sure you can come up with something. I have failed to for a long time, but soon I hope to try lego technics as a hobby
Also doing some decorating to keep busy
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Hey moon. Are you still “dead”?
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No. I’m not psychotic at all
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Don’t down grade what you went through or the feelings that come attached with those memories, saying things like this kinda tells yourself it was okay when in truth it wasn’t, yes it’s the past, yes you can’t change it but in the end it’s not your fault
On another note, I use to tend to describe my issues the same way then I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and it’s hard to live with but knowing what’s going on can help break yourself of some thinking you may not even realize you have… Have you ever considered going to a therapist?
I hope you feel better soon
I have a therapist, thanks
@Moon Okay… Maybe bring your feelings up to them? Sorry if I… Over stepped
Sorry, I’m just traumatized by someone with bpd so any mention of it in relation to me upsets me. I don’t think saying I know it could be worse means I have bpd.
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I’m not saying that saying it could have been worse meant that… I’m just gonna let this go before I get you upset or I get in trouble, sorry I upset you
It’s a hard limit for people to try to diagnose me. I don’t have bpd, but I do have some traits of it so maybe that’s what you’re seeing. This is according to my therapist not me.
I grew up with a BPD mom, so I know how you feel. It’s a hot button for me, too.
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My mom probably has bpd idk and my ex does too.
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See now I’m beating myself up over this.
I SHOULDNT be so needy, maybe it’s all my fault I’m alone.
I show BPD traits too. I just have terrible chronic PTSD. A lot of traumatized people show BPD traits…trauma can affect us all and I think you shouldn’t beat yourself up because you have those traits. I’m trying to see a therapist too but still on the waiting list, apparently. I hope today is being kind to you today.
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I also have cptsd. I have too many diagnoses. Autism schizoaffective bipolar type ocd and cptsd. I’ve been diagnosed before with many other things too…