It all comes rushing back

I think the worst part of the symptoms coming back is the inevitability of it all. I know I’ll just keep on degrading until I get on a dosage that works or it goes away on its own, whenever that might be. But it’s all so familiar. The same thoughts of friends and family plotting against me, conspiring to crush me and leave me all alone. The same bugs crawling on the walls, on my skin. The same murmuring, same music, and knowing the voices that terrorized me last time are just around the corner, waiting for their grand entrance back into my life. I see the monsters lurking in the shadows again, feel that same fear of the dark and the alien shapes hiding within it, knowing it’s nonsense but powerless to overcome it. Will I get better this time? Or is this The Big One, just starting to ramp up into an episode that lands me in the hospital? And maybe that’s not so bad, last time there were days that I certainly should’ve gone to the hospital, but had no insurance so I just suffered through it all. This time, though, I have a secret weapon. I can go to the hospital now, get treated and remove myself from the world for a while if I have to. It’s not ideal, but what about this illness is? I have to make the best of a horrid situation, and try to get through it as gently and carefully as possible. No tolerance for self-harm this time, no acceptance of the suicidal thoughts, the screaming and sobbing and shaking in fear. If it gets that bad again, I can get the help I need. I can do this. I hope.


Is your psychiatrist aware that you are having more severe symptoms again?

He will be on Tuesday when I go to see him. Hopefully it’s as simple as upping my Risperdal, but last time it barely took the edge off, though between episodes the Risperdal did help with some of the residual symptoms. We’ll see what happens!

so sorry ur feeling this way hunni. yes, tell ur shrink everything and hopefully u can nip it in the bud b4 it gets really bad. i’m rooting for u xxx

You’re right. From my point of view, the hospital is not a bad place. They can work on getting a combination of med’s that works best for you. I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope things get better.

I’m sorry you are struggling. You have awesome insight and you are not giving up on yourself. You know how to ask for the help that you need. You can do this!

I admire your determination and courage on this. Getting to a hospital under your own power will make your stay different then mine ever was.

I am so sorry this is all coming back. I understand you’re dreading the rest to come. You’ve had a bit of a break it seems and now to have that fog slither back, is scary.

But having a plan in place, and a secret weapon is the best thing for this.

As always, I see you as a very strong and talented person. I have a feeing that if you do have to go to a hospital, you’ll go knowing what your getting into.

Good for you for having the courage to get help sooner then later.

I’m rooting for you.

Thanks, everyone. Yeah, right now I can say I’ll get help if it gets too bad, but I tend to minimalize my condition. I’ll convince myself I’m not so bad, tell myself that I can just make it on my own. I’ve always been like this, and it all boils down to not wanting to be a bother. I don’t want to inconvenience friends, family, or medical staff if it’s not entirely needed, so I tell myself it’s not needed. But I know how far this goes and I don’t want it to get that bad again, so I tell myself if it keeps coming back, if I keep getting worse, that I’ll go in and get help. I just hope I have the presence of mind to know when too much is too much.