This is strange but I think there is a small part of me that is well. It wants me to take my medication and stop isolating myself. It wants me to stop cutting and start listening to my T. This is the person that I was before I started showing major signs of SZA (even though I realize I’ve been showing small signs most of my life, just not all at once). The thing is that this person has gone from being 100% me to maybe 10% me. I dont feel like her very often because I feel schizophrenic more so than I do well. They’re so separate that they’re two different streams of thought in my head. The “well” side literally fights with the schizophrenic side. The “well” side also has a different agenda with my T. They’re conflicting so the SZ side blocks her out a lot of the time. I’m afraid my T will think that I’ve made all this up if I tell her that the well side still exists. Anyways I hope this makes sense. Anyone else have a bit of themselves that actually resembles themselves pre-schizophrenia? Any tips on how to figure this out or explain it to my T?
If you have sza and you feel like you’ve got two trains of thought going on in your mind then it could actually be depression that is doing that to you. Anti OCD drugs like Prozac helped me tremendously to put me back in the right state of mind.
@MeghillaGorilla1 The two trains of thought are depressive/schizophrenic vs. well. Is that what you mean? I’ve stopped my meds again so I’m in a rough bout.
I guess what I’m saying is it’s not just the depression. It’s the SZ that has a separate mindset. The well part of me does not hallucinate or have delusions. Or at least that part can dismiss the hallucinations and continue with daily life. Like cats and dogs basically.
I supposedly have sza too but my doctor was like, you really have bipolar disorder and you’ve been depressed for like fifteen years. I hate meds, but I decided to let her treat me. She was right. The depression was making me so crazy you have no idea. Im just saying because I could relate to your description of two trains of thought so I thought maybe if she has sza and I understand what she’s saying and I’m not sza then you can get better too.
Does that make sense?
I think the one thing that survived my psychosis intact was my fighting spirit.
I think so. You’re saying I might have a diagnosis of depression with psychosis and not Schizoaffective disorder… that depression meds will make the psychosis go away. Did I understand correctly?
Yea I’m saying that depression can seriously screw up your thinking
YES! This is a good way to describe it because when things get particularly bad for me symptom-wise she always pipes up extra loud so I notice her.
I had dementia I was so depressed. And catatonia.
I had serious psychotic episodes one after the next and I wouldn’t let anyone treat me because I didn’t want to get fat.
Gotcha. Definitely a possibility to bring up with a pdoc. Although I’ve been on antidepressants before with only some pick up.
Saaaaaame. I don’t think I have dementia but my memory is definitely ■■■■. And I’m already fat so I feel like meds will make it worse.
most days i can make atleast one person have a good laugh… usually through wit… but sometimes i am the butt of the joke… cant complain though sometimes we tell jokes sometimes we are the joke… my memory is also shot… do you guys ever remember stuff but theres not enough of the memory so you question wether it even happened?
My opinion is that no one is a 100% mentally ill. Each of us has some reality in our make-up, despite mental illness.
And by the way, I personally think a large part of me is well, though some might not share that opinion.
Yes, there is a part of me that is well. In fact, I am identical to my pre MI self with the exception that I have a chronic delusion. That and knowing that I am MI, in and of itself, takes a toll on my self-worth. I can still ‘see’ my non MI self though. She is still there.
All the time. My T calls them false memories but I’m sure at least some of them happened. I just don’t have enough of the memory to verify with someone else that it did happen.
Good question! I wonder if there is anything left of me at all. My mind is fractured but whole. Somehow I feel little sparks of the old me here and there but I don’t think skunk remembers what he used to smell like.
The majority of me is well, I must say.