I'm so embarrassed of myself

I’m so embarrassed because I used to act so strangely all throughout university after my first episode. I used to have episodes in school offices (thank God it’s the disability office). I even punched myself in front of everyone. I thought I was an opera singer and I performed like one at church (it was not made fun of, but I suspect people mocked it lol).

My life is so embarrassing. I am an embarrassment.

Even if I go back to Canada, I would be remembered as an embarrassment to people and I worry that no one will like me.

I just want to stop thinking this way but I’ve been getting intrusive thoughts throughout the day. I just want to punch my graduation pictures again.

You’re not alone. I have memories of relatively harmless things that I am embarrassed about having said or done. The weird thing is that I have friends who said and did much more embarrassing things and I was envious of them for being able to do that. One of my friends danced like a lunatic at every opportunity, and another spat into the air and tried to catch it on the way down. Meanwhile I beat myself up for less. We’re so unfair to ourselves.

I have memories of things I did that weren’t harmless that I wish I could forget. There are a number of places I shouldn’t go back to.

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It sounds like those things have harmed you too. Be kind to yourself if you can.

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What type of things were they? Just interested to know

I’ve done lots of embarrassing and shameful things.

You just have to get past them, leave them where they are and move on.

Sure, sometimes my memory will take me back and I’ll just cringe for half an hour,

But most the time I don’t think about it.

Don’t let yourself wallow in it,

Try to distract yourself.

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Thank you all. I’ve been cringing so hard for thr past few days. I just had a feeling that no one would love me because of my past mistakes and embarrassing moments.

I’ve thoroughly embarrassed myself before. I still do. I am awkward, and sometimes when people are talking to me that I don’t know well I blank out and can’t understand basic things. Just try to let it go. That’s what I do. Oh, and my friends accept me even though they know I’m awkward. They have mental illness too

For some reason, past memories have been coming out and haunting me. It is making me so frustrated about myself. I just think I’m an embarrassment when I think about my past and it really stresses me out.

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Everyone in the world has embarrassed themselves, because absolutely no one is perfect. It’s ok that you did the things you did. Just make sure you regularly report issues to your pdoc and always take your meds. That’s what you can do to lessen the number of times you do embarrassing things that result from your illness

Thank you. My pdoc has rarely been helpful these days. She said she would help me find a therapist, which isn’t really happening either. So I’m just like, what do I do now? I feel completely lost.

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Call her office once a week to see if she’s referred you to anyone yet. Eventually, she will do it just to shut you up.

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