My mind was blown this morning by a simple question…
“What do YOU want?”
It wasn’t asked with a sneer… it was asked as a general question… what do “I” (me, i-alone,) want.
I have no real idea what I want. I don’t get asked that question very often in stuff that matters.
Menu orders, stuff like that… but not on the big issues.
I’ve been sitting here, eating my breakfast, drinking my coffee trying to work out what I want.
It’s just been hitting me… this idea of personal power.
Because for so long… I don’t feel like I had any.
My money was handled by my Mom, my clothing and food choices handled by my Sis, my original job offers handled by case worker, meds handled by my Doc and my sis, the pace of my day handled by the nature of my job/ my boss… therapy classes handled by my therapist, getting into this apartment handled by my Dad…
I didn’t feel like I had any personal power. But as I’ve gotten stronger and healthier, I have to work on using that voice and speaking up for myself. In some cases I have been working on that. I have had some input into my life… but I think it’s time I work on this again… or more.
The few times I’ve done it… it’s worked out Ok.
If people don’t ask me… I guess I have to start speaking up… but even before that… I have to figure out what I actually want on the big scale of things.
I guess what I’m going for is… figuring out not so much how to just ride the wave when it comes to me… but how to get out there and meet it.
When I was at my worst… a lot of people did a lot of stuff for me…
Now that I’m getting stronger… I find I’ve been taking that for granted… or more like habit.
I’m beginning to ponder how much independence goes into functionality. I know that NO ONE gets there alone. But on the other hand I have to put in my own effort too.
So I guess I still hang here and try and figure out… What do I want?