I’ve been in a hypomanic/manic state for the better part for 2 weeks. I keep telling myself to stop skipping doses of my Invega, and kill the episode. But I’m hooked on the highs, and the wellspring of inspirations. Based on the results of my neurotransmitter test, I feel like I’m gaining more insight to what is going on in my brain. I could be full of manic nonsense, or I’m close to a breakthrough to understanding how the bipolar happens in my mind. This episode has been very norepinephrine heavy more so than dopamine. But when the dopamine trigger gets hit, my brain is in chaos and then my manic high becomes severe mania/anxiety.
I wrote my ideas down, I will get stable someday and take a look at them.
Back to my original point. I refuse to use Invega to kill this episode, because I fear anhedonia and loss of interest in college and learning. I fear depression, too. Anhedonia from Invega’s potent D2 antagonism could trigger a depression. I just can’t let go! But this is not cool. Every morning I drink two cups of half-caffeinated coffee when I tell myself daily to switch to decaf. My mind spirals out of control. Oh I wish I’d obey myself and switch to decaf. All the drama and I lose 3 to 4 hours to manic thinking. Luckily, my psychotic symptoms have not been too bad. Thank you, Invega! Don’t need the drama.
I’ve taken an Ativan 9 out of the past 14 days. Inacceptable! I tried to reinstate my old rule. I may only take an Ativan that often if I fiddle with the Invega to kill the episode. I’m rebelling against my own rule.
My anxiety this morning was so severe that I lost rationality, I was afraid to take a 50 mg Seroquel to rein in my out of control brain. There was nothing to be afraid of! I’ve taken it before, but I have never attempted to drive on it. I took an Ativan instead. Anxiety got into my body. My blood pressure soared, hands were trembling, my stomach hurt, my chest felt like it was burning. I felt a burning/tingling sensation throughout my body. That one might be a hallucination. I feel stupid asking a doctor, but what if it’s real, and something serious? I’ll ask a doctor on Wednesday. Will I please listen to myself on the coffee at least? I’ll need a .5 Ativan even without caffeine. I mg with the caffeine.