A bomb dropped on me today!

Hello. I went today to see the MD I was getting my meds from to get refills. He’s been giving me a hard time about the Ativan for 2 years, and I was only asking for it every 3-5 months. He gave me presrciptions, but gave me my walking papers when I told him I had a hard time in June and blew through my Ativan. He told me to find another provider. I didn’t even tell him I had a horrid episode in June. So now I’m going to try another MD I see and ask if she’ll at least give me the Invega before I go back to the first physician to appeal.

I can buy Ativan on the street, and my buddy can sell me his extras. I started in college, took a class in June, and it stressed me out. I was going to start in the fall term too with another algebra class just to get up to college math level. It was math that stressed me out before, I couldn’t deal with the homework. The episode was horrid. I was manic with severe anxiety, visual, tactile, and auditory hallucinations, reverse placebo effect with the Ativan, and a phony feeling of alcohol intoxication one morning. I blew through some of my stash of Invega taking 6 mg/day vs 3mg.

I still have 7 bottles on hand and 2 of Ativan, but still feel like my future is severely threatened. I can’t go back to my old psychiatrist, I’d rather just have an MD to write out the scripts. I’m educated, I know my needs. Still have prescriptions for 4 more bottles of Invega, and one more Ativan, but I’m adrift, up the creek with a rotted out paddle.

It took a month for the medication to take effect and stop all the bullspit. Then I cut it back down. Still struggle with overstimulation and anxiety. Thought about switching back to Zyprexa, but Zyprexa doesn’t control my psychotic symptoms as well as Invega so I’m afraid to do it plus the side effects were worse for me. SIGH! Running to the alcohol tonight. I can burn the last of my serotonin bottles too although they’re expensive and hard to get.

Another reason I don’t want to go on Zyprexa. It’s a serotonin antagonist! Crap.

What about seeing a pdoc rather than an MD? They are usually more helpful about choosing the right meds to get on.

You’re abusing Ativan and you wonder why your doctor doesn’t want you as a patient?

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I’m in the same boat. I’ve been seeing my current pdoc for about six months. My old one started me on Klonopin and when I no longer wanted to be on it he kept giving it to me so I could taper down. I still have a script from him for 90 of them as I didn’t feel I needed to have it filled. I tapered down as he suggested and felt I no longer needed it. Well recently I’ve been having horrible panic attacks that last for hours. Technically it’s not a panic attack because of how long it lasts but it’s all the symptoms of one. Recently my anxiety when I go to ECT is through the roof and I need to take something or else it’s really bad. My new pdoc is super against prescribing benzos. There have been a couple of times she’s given them to me but it’s rare. My PCP sees I need them for ECT or else I probably won’t go, but doesn’t want to go over pdoc’s head. I see her on Wednesday and plan on writing something out so I stay focused (there’s other things I want to address as well). It’s just so frustrating! I’m not trying to get high, I need them to function.

Please don’t buy them though as this creates further problems. And take your meds as prescribed! You may know a lot about meds but you need to trust a doctor. Have you ever tried an antidepressant? I’ve been on Lexapro and that has helped a lot. I still get anxiety but nothing like before. Good luck! :sunny:

Yes, Malvoks right. Sounds like you are teetering near addiction. Maybe you already are addicted. A red flag went off in my mind when you say you’re buying ativan on the street. Sounds like desperation to me. If I were you I would stop what I’m doing and take a long hard look at my drug use. Addiction is insidious, be careful.


I swear I used that exact same phrase when I was badly abusing amphetamines a couple of decades back. It turned out that I was righteously addicted and didn’t know my needs at all, but there was no convincing me at the time. I sincerely hope you don’t have to hit bottom as hard as I did to find out the true nature of your relationship with your Ativan. Your doc did you a real favour, although I’m sure it feels like the opposite.

Hope you get things sorted out in a healthy manner.


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Thank you, Sun Girl, for at least being supportive. As far as other comments, I wasn’t abusing the Ativan, I was using it for anxiety for a month. To comments that I should trust a doctor, doctors are human beings not God. Not all psychiatrists really make decisions that benefit me. I know me better than they do. Please show me my respect, I have learned a lot. No, I don’t know everything.

Some psychiatrists will make decisions on my behalf, I want to make decisions on my own behalf. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I’m in good hands. I know I don’t have to titrate Invega, I got myself out of the episode but digestive and absorption problems prolonged the process. I don’t appreciate the unfriendly remarks, but I can handle it.

I’ve been addicted to Ativan for years, it is true, but many times I do not allow myself to take it if I don’t need it. I used to sit there and think about it but not take it. I only took it if I was in real trouble. I came here for support, I try to be supportive in return. I did not come here for criticism, but I got it. Oh well. Please understand that I have tried very hard. I’ve maintained a job for 3 years. I’m not doing that bad of a job making my own decisions. I did pass that course with an 85 too.

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Ok Sun Girl, this one is only for you. I sometimes need the benzo to function too. My former friend’s psychiatrist said this: “It’s not an exact science”. There rarely is a perfect med for a person. I’m not trying to get high either. I’m tired of being uncomfortable. I have used it too much the past 10 days. I’m working with a homeopath to try to work out a better solution. I have faith that I will get off the Ativan if the homeopath helps me. I don’t believe this is a delusion. If it is, I’m happy until I find out that this is a delusion.

No, I don’t toe the line. I fight for ME! I care about my objectives and fight for them. There is no right med for me. Invega is not strong against anxiety, but it’s strong against psychotic symptoms. That is why I don’t change meds. Thank you for being friendly. I have had a hard enough time.

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I’m sorry if you took my comments as criticism. I was answering from my perspective as being an addict in recovery for 24 years. I was trying to help, not hurt. Malvok is always blunt, that’s the way he is, but the other three of us didn’t really seem to be criticizing as much as just offering our experience.

Point taken. I am going to try to lay off of it if I’m not horribly uncomfortable. I do have the name of a psychiatrist, but can’t risk switching to a more sedating med due to possible interference with work and school. Psychiatrists do not know how a medication is going to affect you either, any more than you do, though some have insight probably! As much as I hated him, I miss my old psychiatrist right now. He saw that I was doing well on Invega and never tried to switch to another med. Thank you. Time for me to sign off.

It really sucks when you feel like you have to fight so hard and your psychiatrist is going against the grain with you. It’s great you’re working with a homeopath, I wish you the best with it. I believe in taking a whole body approach to treating an illness. You can’t just pop pills and expect to be better. Recently I’ve stopped drinking coffee and beer and a while ago I stopped smoking pot and watching horror movies. I’ve learned what triggers me. Although even when I’m doing everything right and still having a hard time, I get frustrated. Keep fighting for you! That’s awesome! Hang in there! :sunny:

Thanks! My brain is going to pot due to alcohol. I might have to stop taking the herbal blends the doctor gave me because they contain ginseng, which is racing fuel for my brain. Anxiety is out of control today. I’m so horribly addicted to Ativan now, it’s not cool. I’m going to try skullcap and schizandra now, without the ginseng. I’ll go back to him and tell him I can’t take ginseng, can he give me something else? I want to stop the drinking, but I’m caught in the trap. Won’t take the Ativan, my hallucinations are quiet so I’m somewhat OK. I was okay yesterday for the most part, the 2 other psychoactive herbs in those blends seem to be helping.

Playing with herbs can be just as hazardous as playing with drugs! But if I don’t try something fast, I’ll need a med change, and I start college in the fall. I don’t want to risk a major med change. The Invega is not a strong tranquilizer, can’t sleep, anxiety. I’ve tried so much stuff. I’m not giving up! I’m obstinate. A few bad hallucinations yesterday. I can pin it on the alcohol rebound effect and the darn ginseng, but it wasn’t all that bad.

I’ll never touch another energy drink, cocaine or meth. Didn’t like pot. Alcohol is making me ill.
I have to take saliva and urine samples today, and send them off to a lab. I’m having some of my neurotransmitters tested, hopefully they can help me. I already know that I’m missing a key neurotransmitter, I was buying it online but it’s expensive and hard to get. Frustrated, pacing today. At least I’m getting exercise!

It’s paradoxical. I’m so hyper and anxious, yet I really don’t want to do anything, not even wash my dishes!

why did i think an actual bomb had dropped on you :bomb: for real, maybe it was ze germans i thought lol

Well it turns out that the MD was not cutting me off from my meds. He is just leaving the state permanently. I can hook up with another practitioner at the same clinic, and they will probably take over my medications. What a load off!

Have to resubmit urine sample to lab. It’s 4 AM I’ve been up since 1:30AM I can’t sleep. I tried Seroquel 50mg, not strong enough! Stressing over lab test, it is crucial that the urine sample not be too diluted. I have cotton mouth and can only swish and spit water so that the urine won’t be too diluted. Stressed.

I take Klonopin on an everyday basis - My doctor said she is ok with me taking it as long as I do not take a pretty large amount of it - 3 mg a day. Addiction, Dependence, and Abuse are words sometimes used when mentioning Benzos like Klonopin. I for one am addicted to Klonopin, not because I abused it, but because the drug causes a physical addiction when used in even small amounts, but on a regular basis. The withdrawals are a nightmare - so I no longer even try to get off of it completely. Many people Abuse benzos like Klonopin and get a euphoric high from taking them, or do stupid things like drink alcohol with them - very dangerous. I for one take very small amounts of it, and I am using it not for recreational purposes - I take it for my crippling anxiety.
When used responsibly, I do think that there is a place for benzos like Klonopin - Ativan - Valium etc…
I do not think one should use benzos if they have an addictiction or are prone to abuse.
These meds are powerful controlled substances - they should be closely monitored by your psychiatrist.
But I do feel that there is a place for benzos - One just has to use a lot of common sense and be responsible with them

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Yeah I’m in a similar boat. I got off the Ativan at the beginning of July when my Invega increase finally stopped my episode. I always try to get off of daily use and go back to PRN. Then all this stress, I was dealing with too many things at once, felt overwhelmed, all the alcohol to get to sleep, hallucinations ramping up. Then I became unstable. Now taking higher doses of Ativan. I’d ramped down on Invega due to anhedonia, now I’m ramping back up to prevent a crisis.I always try to get off of daily Ativan as soon as I’m stable and feel safe re: hallucinations.

Added 50 mg of Seroquel last night. Not strong enough, need higher dose. Still couldn’t stay asleep and even drank alcohol with it which is stupid and hazardous I know. Not sedating enough, probably need 200 mg instead of 50. I have high tolerance especially with all the stress and drama lately. I was headed for disaster.

I feel more stable today. It’s gonna get better.

Well my doctor won’t give me ativan or any controlled substances other than Vyvanse. I tried to explain that I needed something that worked for my anxiety and that Neurontin didn’t work. I never liked benzo’s and I know they are dangerous. I was prescribed Xanax one semester in college and I got loopy on it.