I can vent a really long story but I want to keep it short and straightforward. I want to add to what I’m going to describe that according to several psychiatrists I am, according to them, not considered as an average schizophrenic (suffering from purely from hallucinations and delusions…)
Whenever I get in a (emotional) heated argument with a loved one, I get voices/hallucinations/thoughts… The voices (their thoughts), the hallucinations (their conviction) confuses me. Eventually I don’t know where to grasp on. The voices/thoughts are so convincing/real and when I look around in my family/friends circle (whom are not schizophrenic at all) I see that this phenomenon is considered normal/non-schizophrenic and passes, same counts for me when the heat is down. In other words my thought-process is the same as non-schizophrenics when having an argument with a close relative which, eventually, resolved into peace.
Where it gets difficult for me is when I contact someone I emotionally cared for and/or still care for and sometimes (usually when drunk) have the urge/impulsitivity to contact them. It first seems like I hear their actual thoughts but time passes by, when I get no reply, my cognition (weighing the pros and cons when sober) gets screwed up and my schizophrenic part starts to fill in my thoughts, positively and/or negatively.
Eventually, the hallucinations become from really convincingly to so dumb because they cannot change my common sense that they will reveal themselves as fake. That’s when I (when my cognition gets haywired) decide for good or bad to never contact that person again.
My question: Should I go with my instinct, their initial voice/thoughts or should I listen to “their” hallucinations?
English is not my native language and I hope someone can make sense of what I describe.
It sounds like you have misinterpreted what your psychiatrists have told you.
Also, when you say the voices (their thoughts), it sounds like you feel these are not hallucinations. You can’t read any one’s mind or receive their thoughts in your head.
You do not appear to be thinking normally.
Also, you seem to be saying that you can hear your friends thoughts too and believe this is real. This is a delusion. The voices or thoughts you hear are not real.
It appears that you think that the “schizophrenic” part of your thinking is separate from the voices and delusions. That is not the case.
To answer your question, I would advise you to try and ignore the voices the best you can, to not place any significance to or act on any of it. Part of your problem is that you seem to think part of your hallucinations are real, and other hallucinations you recognize as not being real.
I would advise you to discuss your thought and experiences further with your doctor and follow whatever treatment they suggest. If they prescribe meds, take them as directed for a reasonable amount of time before you make any further decisions.
I disagree, I clearly state that a part of me is schizophrenic when someone I care for did not reply. I, my schizophrenia, tries to fill that part that has been unanswered but because of my insight into my illness fails to convince me and eventually reveals themselves as unreal in my logic approach.
I also clearly state that the phenomenon I experience when I DO and or a family member or friend gets into some sort of same argument, they experience a “schizophrenic” episode. How do I know this? Watch a close relative get in an disagreement with their loved one and watch their body language and/or watch their feet or other body discomfort. It’s the same as schizophrenics.