I'm back on this forum and on meds after a horrible psychotic break and struggle with addiction, and back on my commitment to the world and its imperfections. (Major trauma trigger warnings)

I was living in Tennessee with my dad who physically abused me as a kid. I found out through memories resurfaced and from my dad when I escaped that situation that I was raped when I was six years old. My dad is not a horrible person, but he is a broken person who has hurt a lot of people. He got me addicted to crystal methamphetamine, which absolutely destroyed my life as a person pretty naive to drugs and because . . . schizophrenia and meth do not ■■■■■■■ mix, to say the least. When my dad cut me off I started having sex with strangers to get it.

I escaped back home to San Francisco to live with my mom and brother, but was struggling to maintain sobriety. I then found out that during a poker match where my dad invited random tweaker strangers into the house, I was raped in the spare room, age 6. Don’t remember by who, but I know my dad was complicit.

I totally lost my mind then. I was completely unable to cope with the intense pain. My 5250 reads: “Patient attempted to cut out his tongue and jumped out of a moving car in the setting of suspected medication noncompliance and methamphetamine use.”

Well I am out of the hospital and am 40 days clean and sober. I met with my sponsor today, and I’m on the Fourth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am clinging to hope of a new way of life. I am undergoing Lacanian psychoanalysis, which has been amazing for processing the trauma that induced my schizophrenia in the first place. I am also seeing a psychiatrist for medication management who practices in the Jungian analytical psychology school.

I am exploring the deeper reasons why I have always struggled with medication noncompliance and substance use. I am scheduled to start IOP to cope better. And the doctors at the hospital were SO encouraging (to say the least) of my recovery. They truly saw the uniqueness of me as an individual and saw how much potential I had. It is my long-term goal to become a psychiatric nurse practitioner and receive postgraduate training in the Lacanian psychoanalytical school. And THE ONLY WAY to get there is substance abstinence and compliance with medication.

When I left the hospital I told the doctors: “I am ready now to fully commit myself to the world and its imperfections.” And that is what I am doing and what I will do. I am taking my dual recovery one day at a time. I believe that my trauma has molded me into a more beautiful person, who MUST carry the weight, and make something out of it. I am trying, really, so hard. I am trying to remind myself that everything is as it should be.

I will update this with more details later, but I’m glad to be back.


Stick with the medication.

I tried living without medication and I couldn’t handle my physcotics


You sound good. Just maintain the spirit. We’re here for you with all our imperfections, too.

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Welcome back. Stick with the meds.

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This made me cry. I worry so much about people when they leave unexpectedly. I am sorry you have been through so much. I fully believe in your ability to achieve your goals in life.


Remain strong @HulGil!
Glad to see you back!


Welcome back. It sounds like you got some good insights and identified the problems. And you’re taking some good steps to solve them. Good job.
Without going on a rant here, AA, CA or NA are a great way to get back on track with your life. Those programs not only treat the problem of addiction but they also show you a new way to live. They can help guide you to an honest, principled, useful life. Following some of their simple principles and taking suggestions from other people who had more experience than me changed my life drastically for the better. I am personally not as gung ho about being so involved in the program. I haven’t been to a meeting in awhile but some stuff stuck with me and maybe my experience can help anothet struggling addict.

My life in my crack addiction revolved around getting and using drugs. The addiction took me to the worst places with the worst people. And I had to sneak around hiding my addiction from my family and employer and all the people who were trying to help me.

Personally, as an addict I never had a “typical” day when I used. Every day was a new misery and more problems and new, fuc*ed up situations. Anyways, When I got clean after four years of smoking, my life blossomed. I became employable again, I enrolled in college, I made a couple new friends, I was going to AA, CA and NA five or six days a week. People in meetings started recognizing me and getting used to me and I made few AA friendsand many aquaintences.

I started socializing more and did a ton of fun stuff with my family and friends.

I credit it all to the program. I took my recovery dead serious but I was having fun. I became a more honest, responsible person thanks to the program. Sorry about talking so much about AA, addiction is only one slice of your life, you have many other hurdles in life to get past. But when people in meetings moaned and groaned about their life and all their responsibilities and problems and complained that NA or CA took up too much of their precious time and they had other important things to do instead of meetings someone in a meeting would usually point out that without your sobriety and AA and being clean you would not have any of that stuff anyways. So that’s why meetings are a priority.

Anyways, congratulations on your 40 days, that’s huge. Just be careful, try to stay away from people and places with drugs. You don’t need the temptation. You’ve been through the wringer with drugs and schizophrenia, just take it easy now and maybe your head is out of that drug induced fog and you can make some good, smart desicions now and help yourself live a decent life. Good luck, take care and hopefully things will work out.


Wow. I’m sorry you went through that. It’s amazing you’ve come around like you have. You’re an inspiration


Yep, and you bet I’m doing my doctorate on creating a novel modality of psychotherapy specifically to increase medication compliance in psychotic populations. :wink: (I’ve wanted to work in mental health forever, even before my diagnosis, and so many doctors and clinicians have encouraged me deeply that I feel hopeful enough to work toward my goals in a meaningful way.)

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I totally agree; I love 12 step.

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Well the good thing is the essay that I wrote about my recent experience made it past the first round of peer review at a psychological science journal. :smiley:

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Welcome back @HulGil. Congratulations on being clean and sober for 40 days. It’s so nice to hear that you are feeling hopeful and are looking towards the future and towards achieving your goals.

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