Ive been years on aps. and I always had my paranoia, my social fears. I am to a point that I think that the others will see that I am bad or crazy. maybe more, that I am bad cause I still deal with anger or hate or irritability sometimes 
. Some of my ill friends were paranoid and after two months on meds, this symptom fades away for them. while for me, its still here and even raising the dosages doesn’t help, I even find it worse on bigger dosages… Does it mean that its not paranoia? Once my pdoc said that what I have is not exactly a paranoia but it looks like this, idk. I feel transparent outside, maybe I am afraid of not being liked too but its quite extreme in my case cause I dont want to socialize anymore… I avoid eye contact sometimes, I turn my head when I pass close to the strangers outside and stuff like this…
how it was for you personally? Ive also decided to go see a third doc tomorrow but my mom says to not expect that hell do miracles on me… My negatives are strong, that’s for sure…
hugs to all 
@Anna1 have you considered being religious?
It might give you a reason to live, and it might also give you socialization.
What do you think?
firstly, I would like to start to think cause I risk to become just a sheep who obeys. I became dumb with this illness, really… No, I dont believe that the religion will help my symptoms for the moment, really…
sorry to be harsch but I am too bitter now even for the religion. I am not sure it can help me really… the loneliness which I knew for all those years marked me more than you can imagine…
maybe the religion will come in my life one day. BUt I dont see it now, nope… ive already had enough remarks from my mo to believe more, yeah… you can pm if you want chess.
I’m not sure what your asking, because you say you avoid others, no eye contact, don’t care to socialize…?
Do you want to stay this way?
Or do you really want to be noticed instead of feeling invisible?
What’s the worst thing that can happen if you get noticed and someone is intrested in getting to know you?
I dont have a personality anymore. I am not sure that there is something interesting in me cause I am lost. I even dont know which music I like, which food, if I am heterosexual or bisexual. I dont feel a lot of things, that’s all.
@Anna1 have you tried going to church at least once in a while?
I believe it will have a wonderful effect on you.
I am not saying it will cure you,
but you get out of the house, you get to see people,
engage in a joint activity…
It seems to me like it would do you good.
If you’re not ready to be any different, you can always stay where your comfort level takes you.
Maybe one day you might realize your more uncomfortable to remain where you are, than to change into something different, then that’s when you’re ready to change.
No one can force you to be something you’re not ready to be.
no chess, the church pisses me off for the moment. Call me some small Hitler if you want but I did it in the past. It was calming tbh but nothing more… My main struggle should remain in myself now but I could be wrong.
Csummers, I want to see my life change, that’s why I accepted to see one more pdoc… they weren’t a big help in the past but I will ask him all these questions if I should count mostly on myself now and something else or if I really need meds… The melancholia is strong for me now but I decided to see one last doc. after that ill see what I can do more lol
@Anna1 if you don’t want it, I respect you.
Maybe you have autism
why @Moonwalker? My mom thinks it sometimes but with all my paranoia and all my very ‘‘cold’’ behavior I am not sure. But its sure that I suffered since kid which is not so typical for sz… Plus, in my country, people have rarely the diagnosis of autism, the docs often put on us the label of sz easily… But I think maybe more of borderline, idk…I am always low, plus dumb etc etc… Do you find me different from the people here? I find you so intelligent all while me I struggle with this… 
Thanks Anna, I only bring up autism because of the social issues you’re dealing with. It’s possible you have both sz and autism.