Maybe not for the better. I don’t know how to say it. Maybe I’m more jaded? Tired of life? I just don’t get excited or happy over the same things. And being a good person used to be the most important thing in my life and now I don’t even think about it, I maybe don’t even care anymore. I don’t get excited over people anymore, I feel dull and blunted, One of the soldiers was just really cool and nice with me and it felt good for a second but then I went back to not caring. If someone was that nice to me just three years ago it would have made my day.
It’s partly because when I try to be myself people just laugh at me. It’s caused me to feel numb and like not liking anybody. I don’t think I even care about making friends because it always turns into a “familiarity breeds contempt” and they soon turn on me and treat me bad. I’ve seen the same pattern over 62 years so why even go through that initial feeling that they like me when they will soon treat me bad or desert me? I’ll still try but it seems futile. My therapist is signing me up for the walking group, I’ll see how that goes.