Thirty years old, and I’m really disappointed at how my life has turned out. I couldn’t handle college, have no career, I can’t even hold down a minimum wage job to pay the bills. I am entirely dependent on others for my survival, and I hate it. I want to be functional and productive, but the best I can manage is a bit of costuming every now and then, nowhere near enough to live on. Any more and I get overwhelmed, then the bad thoughts start drifting in, I start blanking out and fighting with my own mind. This isn’t the life I wanted. Thirty, and I have nothing to show for it. This ■■■■■■■ disease.
Happy Birthday!! I’m 30 and just getting my life together. Have you ever thought about trying school online? That’s what I do and it works for me. I don’t have the same stress of sitting in a classroom, taking exams, and driving to and from school. Maybe check out other forums of people in careers you’re interested in and ask questions to see what you would be interested in. Good luck and enjoy your day!!
I empathize with your anger at the loss from the disease…just for perspective though…30 is still so young…years seem to pass me by quicker since I’ve fell ill and the years in recovery…cheer up @RowanAmethyst, you still have many many years to try and feel better !! I am sorry you suffer.
Rowan, Happy Birthday! Don’t be too frustrated about this illness, you are not the only one in the boat. I’m, too, annoyed by my illness…What you need to do first is get those voices out of your world. talk to your pdoc about the voices and get new medication.
I have a bad feeling about what’s to come. I’ve gotten bad before, and I feel many of those same feelings coming back. I don’t know if I can keep subjecting my family to this. Maybe with government assistance I can get into an assisted living place and stop being a drain on my family. My boyfriend wants to marry me and take care of me but I don’t know if he can. If I get bad again, he won’t have the time to tend to my needs with his work schedule, so I’ll be left alone with the bad thoughts and the hallucinations, not really safe to be alone. But maybe it won’t come to that. Maybe I can get on a higher dose of my meds and they’ll do their job and I’ll be okay.
I’ve seen people who I never thought would work again get jobs and keep them. Of course I’ve also seen people I know become alcoholics. I just plug along and learn and try to get back at the people who for some reason think I’m the person that they can use to solve all their problems. I don’t mean on here of course. I mean users who have no sense that other people are human too. The people who have no pride But I’m tired of being negative, I just had an OK dinner at my sisters and played a few word games. Now I’m trying to figure out how to get the leeches off of my back. I don’t care if my neighbors survive or not. It’s not my problem.
First off, very genuinely, happy birthday and I do hope you get to spend it with people who make you happy.
I am sorry to hear that life doesn’t feel as fulfilling or has been so dramatically side tracked.
I see you as an incredibly talented person. I just have this feeling that when you get this illness under control… I can see you starting your own business with the costuming you have a talent for.
I don’t see you as employed under others considering you have such a vast array of talent from playing in the band, the costuming talent… the instruments your building… I could see you starting your own business of some sort.
You have good friends who have stuck by you, a family who loves you and a boy friend who is ready for a serious commitment.
I know sometimes it feels like it’s all slipping away, but that part you’ve said is this illness trying to worm in.
I do hope you feel better, and I do hope you get some time to rejoice in the amazing talent you possess. As soon as this gets under control, I have a feeling you will be unstoppable.
Please be patient with yourself… your worth it and I think your pretty amazing.
If you were walking down a road towards a city and you found a large tree had fallen in your path what would you do? You would turn around and take another path towards your destination. Life often works that way. Your life isn’t going to end up the way you thought it would when you were eighteen. Nobodies ever does.
But if you focus on the things you can do now, focus on your positive qualities then you can find your sense of peace. I’ve been on this board for less than a week and just from the posts I’ve read from you I know you have worthwhile qualities. You are a very kind, considerate, and intelligent human being.
Also 30 only seems bad when you are on the 20’s side of it. When I turned 30 I felt the same way you do. I turn 35 in November and I still feel young. Of course I am a rather immature person so that helps. Maybe tell your boyfriend some fart jokes. You will feel like a kid again in no time.
Happy birthday, I feel exact same way and I just turned 33 a few days ago. I hope you find a path that makes you happy, I found writing, and while the voices make it difficult for me it gives me a way to vent my feelings and anger, and I can easily put the character’s I come up with in my head through anything without getting in any kind of trouble…I wish I could help you, I too went to school on line, University of Phoenix. I only took one class at a time, and the only classes that held tests were the two math classes I took…and in my area they offered free tutoring, and of course since you’re on-line you can take exams with notes and the book and whatever else you need. I failed the first math class I took, and had to retake it.
I didn’t know about the local tutors so I wound up going to a service offered by one of the local schools to have students going after their own degrees teach you. The Tudor I had was very nice and understanding that I had very limited knowledge when it comes to math and numbers give me a headache after a while. Though having a degree really didn’t help my situation because of my lack of experience no one really wants to hire me when there are other top candidates to go after…in my area unless you know people it’s very hard to get into the door somewhere, and I don’t know anyone. Which again is why I like writing, but that’s just my hobby.
I’d immerse yourself in what you feel the happiest doing and not worry about money. I know that may seem hard, and I struggle with it (especially with bill collectors calling) but if I don’t have the money for them what else can I do?
For one thing: you’re life hasn’t “turned out”. You’re still young and your life is evolving. I know you’re situation might not be how you pictured it being, but you have PLENTY of time to still get a little out of life. I’m 53 years old.I don’t look at it as if my current situation has “turned out”. You make the phrase “turned out” seem so final when it really isn’t.
Happy birthday to you, happy brithday to you, happy birthday to you…
Think of it this way: the big majority of people feel like you feel right now, be they SZ or not. Turning 30 and turning 40 is a tricky business, don’t just put it down on your illness. Try to enjoy yourself more and more. I am getting close to 30 and I found a way to avoid the feeling of underacomplishment: I’m looking forward to being 32, and I made a bet that by 32 I’d have something very interesting to find out about life and myself. It worked when I was 24, I had been looking forward to that age and by that year I discovered social interactions and it was wonderful. My life wasn’t yet fulfilled, I had not finished college and depended on my family still, but I had found something I was longing for and enjoyed it.
You are not a person who is satisfied with being codependent. That over there is a healthy feeling. Stick to it and promise yourself you will be able to accomplish some of your goals by…let’s say 35. As @SurprisedJ said, maybe you’re simply not a good employee, maybe if you work a bit on your skills you will be able to have your own business and live on it.
Cherish the feeling of underachievement that you have right now. It means that you care, that you want to be socially adapt. Find resources that will help you be so. You will succeed in the end.
Leave worries aside. You’re a person who has a very debilitating illness and you are still alive, having friends and family next to you, a lover, sometimes you even make money for yourself. The fact that you turned 30 is to be celebrated, not mourned. You succeeded in getting up to this age safely, through teenage and the debut of the SZ , the rest of your life is going to be piece of cake for you.
I love strong women. I consider you one of them for reasons that, for me, are obivous and probably they are for most of the people that know you. Why not try to be one of the people who know their strength?
Happy birthday again!
Happy 30th Birthday RowanAmethyst!!
I remember reading when I was 21-22 that 30 years old was when you kinda relfected on what you had become compared to what you thought you would become. I didnt think that I would do that when I was 30, but now that Im 32 I see that it is precisely what Im doing.
Welcome to the true age of maturity! Happy 30th…
@mottec…you hit that spot on. But I think the 30’s are a lot lot easier. Life is relatively easy in ur 30’s compared to ur 20’s, and its all down to us having a lot more betwwen our ears. Wisdom, maturity and understanding that other tormentors are to be forgotten about.
You’ve got this! Us artists have a right to be late bloomers. In time your struggles will have paid off.
I’m turning 30 this month and I have not been looking forward to it. I’ve learned in these few short weeks that looking back is as productive as looking into the sun. I wanted to cry over being single and attracting only users/losers. I realize that I have to apply the same effort that I do in school and remember to keep my standards up.
You’ve survived an illness with a 13% suicide rate. You are managing your symptoms. You might have to get a medication adjustment at times, but you’re making progress. You have high standards, and that’s what will get you through these hard times. I know you’ll have many more happy birthdays to come.
Its not your fault that your like this at this point in your life. Did you read my paper yet? I want everyone on this forum to understand none of this is their fault. Please read my paper so we all can move forward.
Your not the only one in a position like this. A lot of schizophrenics are. Funny how Schizophrenics are.
Happy Birthday. Wish you all the best.
firstly happy birthday.
secondly i think you are very articulate , intelligent, caring, insightful…
your are fighting a mental disease and you are still here…so you are very brave aswell…
personally i admire you for your strength.
i hope the future blossoms for you, have a good day.